"Jesus adopts all the messy people and all the broken people and all the imperfect people into His tree and His story and His heart, and He gives you His family name and His absolute happy perfectness and He makes you alive and fully free."
Ann Voscamp
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, Jesus. Because I am messy and I am broken, and I am imperfect and that fact has never been made more clear than it was three weeks ago.
So...It's been a rough three weeks. But, as often happens, the rough times are accompanied by some deep lessons. I would like to share mine with you, if I can get my thoughts to translate coherently.
This particular lesson began when I picked up a book called Engaging Today's Prodigal by Carol Barnier. I picked it up out of sheer curiosity. (Okay, call it what it is - I'm nosy.) It was not supposed to be about me! I do not consider myself a prodigal - although there are some who might - yet, I keep running into sections that speak to me - or to my circumstances.
Six weeks ago, when I first read the book, I laughed a bit at the first section. Then I found myself getting angry, but did not really know why. Carol claims that it is a myth that perfect parenting produces perfect children, and then wonders where we got that idea. I can tell her where we got it: We got it from books like To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debi Pearl. Michael and Debi raised five wonderful children who gave them nothing but joy and are now happily serving the Lord and raising perfectly wonderful children of their own. Their method makes a lot of sense, and seems to work well... if only I could follow it. But I have not the resources of Michael, the energy of Debi, nor the consistent temperament needed to keep up with it all. Let's face it, I do not train my children as well as I'd like - I'm too busy trying to survive them.
Where else did we get the idea that perfect parenting makes perfect children? We got it from walking into a church full of happily homeschooled, perfect children. I am sure their parents would say they are not perfect, but I have never seen children like these. I'm serious. Every child there is respectful, obedient, courteous, willing to work, always looking out for the little ones, kind to each other, and, above all, they never, ever fight. My son came up to me, wide-eyed after our first visit, and said, "Mom, the teenagers here are nice!"
Obviously, Mrs. Barnier just hadn't met the right parents yet.
Fast forward three weeks: An event occurred that reminded me just how much of a failure I really am. In the chaos of the moment, I was not paying attention, and nearly lost my three-year-old. It was my fault. I have no excuses. By the grace of God, my son was safe and unharmed, but the enormity of my mistake and the "what might have happened's" continue to plague me.
This weekend, there was another incident - just a little one. My children were playing happily, although a bit loudly while my husband was tuning a church piano. David sent me a text to let me know that the customer was getting upset with the noise. It was the matter of a minute to settle them down on a quieter game, but the incident completely unnerved me. It seemed that even when my children were being good, they were bad, and it was all my fault. They are never good enough, because I am not good enough. How many more mistakes will I make before I ruin them entirely?
We have spent a year in the church with the perfect families, trying to figure out how they do that. What are those parents doing that I am not? How do they get children that well-behaved? I am as clueless now as I was a year ago. And my time has run out. Our life is taking yet another turn and we will no longer be able to make the trip, but must go somewhere closer to home.
Weeping over my guilt and failure, I grabbed a book to stop the spiral. The book happened to be Prodigal, and I opened to the first chapter and began reading, "Myth: Perfect Parenting Produces Perfect Children." This time, I am not scoffing. I read the chapter. Then I read it again. And again.
I am not a perfect parent. My children are not perfect children. I can no more make my children perfect than I can make myself perfect. But Carol points out that there was once a perfect parent, who perfectly raised two children who should have been perfect. They lived in a perfect place and had only one rule. It should have been easy for them to obey. But they still sinned. Adam and Eve were God's children, and the consequences of their sin impacted the entire human race.
As I read and re-read the chapter, a peace began to steal into my heart that was as absurd as my earlier anger had been. Maybe I can be forgiven for not being a perfect parent. Because, perfect parent or not, model children or hooligans, in the end, they all become adults who have to make their own choices. In the end, there is only one Saviour - and it is not me. Yes, I must keep trying, but I must also do with my children as I do with my own soul. I must take them to the cross and leave them there. Jesus gave me these children knowing exactly what my weaknesses are. It is time for me to trust Him to make up the difference.
Calmer, I take my changing circumstances, and, instead of fighting them, I shine the light of Romans 8:28 on them. Because this new path is not the one I want to take and it is breaking my heart. I love the people I am leaving, and I do not know when I will see them again. Normally, I would take a nose dive into the Slough of Despond. But when I forced myself to examine my loss from the perspective that God is working these things for my good, something changed in my heart. I could see that these people I love taught me an important lesson: they taught me about grace. Now it is time to learn the next lesson. I may not know exactly what it is, but I know it will be equally important.
Then, a dear friend, who knows my circumstances, sent me a text: "Read #18, pg. 31 in that book we gave you." That book is A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent. I am on #15, but I dutifully skip ahead to #18...and start laughing. God has a sense of humor, and tends to plan things out well in advance. Six months ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the passage. Now, because of what God has been teaching me, it not only makes sense, but I find myself beginning to live here:
"...every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good to me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ."
Timing is everything. Once again, I see the Master Planner at work. There are things happening now that were set into motion four years ago. Then, four months ago, a stranger crossed my path. I thought I would never see her again, but God had other plans. She chose to become my friend, and, through her, A Gospel Primer was put into my hands so that I would have it now, when I need it. Four months ago, I attended a workshop given by Carol Barnier at the OCEANetwork conference. She gave us a brief teaser about her salvation journey and aroused my curiosity enough that I bought a book I would never have considered otherwise. Yet God knew I needed to hear the message it contains. Or, more properly, several of the messages it contains.
I am once again amazed and humbled by the extremely detailed way God is working in my life.
Yes, I still fail as a mother, nearly every day. Every day I must go to Jesus again and again and ask for His grace, His mercy, and His wisdom. I am so grateful for the reminder in Lamentations 3:
Thank-you, Lord, for forgiving me, even in my lowest places.
May God bless you all and give you peace.
Jules
Ann Voscamp
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, Jesus. Because I am messy and I am broken, and I am imperfect and that fact has never been made more clear than it was three weeks ago.
So...It's been a rough three weeks. But, as often happens, the rough times are accompanied by some deep lessons. I would like to share mine with you, if I can get my thoughts to translate coherently.
This particular lesson began when I picked up a book called Engaging Today's Prodigal by Carol Barnier. I picked it up out of sheer curiosity. (Okay, call it what it is - I'm nosy.) It was not supposed to be about me! I do not consider myself a prodigal - although there are some who might - yet, I keep running into sections that speak to me - or to my circumstances.
Six weeks ago, when I first read the book, I laughed a bit at the first section. Then I found myself getting angry, but did not really know why. Carol claims that it is a myth that perfect parenting produces perfect children, and then wonders where we got that idea. I can tell her where we got it: We got it from books like To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debi Pearl. Michael and Debi raised five wonderful children who gave them nothing but joy and are now happily serving the Lord and raising perfectly wonderful children of their own. Their method makes a lot of sense, and seems to work well... if only I could follow it. But I have not the resources of Michael, the energy of Debi, nor the consistent temperament needed to keep up with it all. Let's face it, I do not train my children as well as I'd like - I'm too busy trying to survive them.
Where else did we get the idea that perfect parenting makes perfect children? We got it from walking into a church full of happily homeschooled, perfect children. I am sure their parents would say they are not perfect, but I have never seen children like these. I'm serious. Every child there is respectful, obedient, courteous, willing to work, always looking out for the little ones, kind to each other, and, above all, they never, ever fight. My son came up to me, wide-eyed after our first visit, and said, "Mom, the teenagers here are nice!"
Obviously, Mrs. Barnier just hadn't met the right parents yet.
Fast forward three weeks: An event occurred that reminded me just how much of a failure I really am. In the chaos of the moment, I was not paying attention, and nearly lost my three-year-old. It was my fault. I have no excuses. By the grace of God, my son was safe and unharmed, but the enormity of my mistake and the "what might have happened's" continue to plague me.
This weekend, there was another incident - just a little one. My children were playing happily, although a bit loudly while my husband was tuning a church piano. David sent me a text to let me know that the customer was getting upset with the noise. It was the matter of a minute to settle them down on a quieter game, but the incident completely unnerved me. It seemed that even when my children were being good, they were bad, and it was all my fault. They are never good enough, because I am not good enough. How many more mistakes will I make before I ruin them entirely?
We have spent a year in the church with the perfect families, trying to figure out how they do that. What are those parents doing that I am not? How do they get children that well-behaved? I am as clueless now as I was a year ago. And my time has run out. Our life is taking yet another turn and we will no longer be able to make the trip, but must go somewhere closer to home.
Weeping over my guilt and failure, I grabbed a book to stop the spiral. The book happened to be Prodigal, and I opened to the first chapter and began reading, "Myth: Perfect Parenting Produces Perfect Children." This time, I am not scoffing. I read the chapter. Then I read it again. And again.
I am not a perfect parent. My children are not perfect children. I can no more make my children perfect than I can make myself perfect. But Carol points out that there was once a perfect parent, who perfectly raised two children who should have been perfect. They lived in a perfect place and had only one rule. It should have been easy for them to obey. But they still sinned. Adam and Eve were God's children, and the consequences of their sin impacted the entire human race.
As I read and re-read the chapter, a peace began to steal into my heart that was as absurd as my earlier anger had been. Maybe I can be forgiven for not being a perfect parent. Because, perfect parent or not, model children or hooligans, in the end, they all become adults who have to make their own choices. In the end, there is only one Saviour - and it is not me. Yes, I must keep trying, but I must also do with my children as I do with my own soul. I must take them to the cross and leave them there. Jesus gave me these children knowing exactly what my weaknesses are. It is time for me to trust Him to make up the difference.
Calmer, I take my changing circumstances, and, instead of fighting them, I shine the light of Romans 8:28 on them. Because this new path is not the one I want to take and it is breaking my heart. I love the people I am leaving, and I do not know when I will see them again. Normally, I would take a nose dive into the Slough of Despond. But when I forced myself to examine my loss from the perspective that God is working these things for my good, something changed in my heart. I could see that these people I love taught me an important lesson: they taught me about grace. Now it is time to learn the next lesson. I may not know exactly what it is, but I know it will be equally important.
Then, a dear friend, who knows my circumstances, sent me a text: "Read #18, pg. 31 in that book we gave you." That book is A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent. I am on #15, but I dutifully skip ahead to #18...and start laughing. God has a sense of humor, and tends to plan things out well in advance. Six months ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the passage. Now, because of what God has been teaching me, it not only makes sense, but I find myself beginning to live here:
"...every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good to me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ."
Timing is everything. Once again, I see the Master Planner at work. There are things happening now that were set into motion four years ago. Then, four months ago, a stranger crossed my path. I thought I would never see her again, but God had other plans. She chose to become my friend, and, through her, A Gospel Primer was put into my hands so that I would have it now, when I need it. Four months ago, I attended a workshop given by Carol Barnier at the OCEANetwork conference. She gave us a brief teaser about her salvation journey and aroused my curiosity enough that I bought a book I would never have considered otherwise. Yet God knew I needed to hear the message it contains. Or, more properly, several of the messages it contains.
I am once again amazed and humbled by the extremely detailed way God is working in my life.
Yes, I still fail as a mother, nearly every day. Every day I must go to Jesus again and again and ask for His grace, His mercy, and His wisdom. I am so grateful for the reminder in Lamentations 3:
22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Thank-you, Lord, for forgiving me, even in my lowest places.
May God bless you all and give you peace.
Jules
