Wow!
As I travel through the holidays this year, I am constantly struck with a sense of "deja-vu" - or should I say "deja - this is SO different!"
Last year at this time, I was a broken, bleeding wreck, terrified of having to go a whole three weeks without Bible Study Fellowship, and even more terrified of going two weeks without attending my new church while we went on a trip over Christmas. I had reason to be terrified. By Christmas, I was a complete basket case, emotionally crawling from one day to the next. By January second, I slipped away for a quiet Bible study at Shari's and spent most of the time crying into my coffee. I don't know what the waitress must have thought.
It wasn't missing the services that bothered me. It was being without the people. Precious people who had taken me into their arms, their hearts, and their prayers. Especially their prayers. The people held me steady, and even a few days without their influence found me struggling against debilitating depression.
Last year, at this time, I was less than two months away from the day I handed my knife to my counselor, and promised to quit planning ways to take my own life. I did not give it to her because I thought I could actually keep such a promise. I gave it to her because the woman who listened in our sessions had looked me in the eye and said,
"She needs to hear you make the decision to live...and so do I."
She was almost in tears. Knowing someone cared that much gave me the courage to look hard at what she was asking of me - and the reasons I was resisting.
It was not an easy decision to make. Even though I had knelt at the foot of the cross and accepted Jesus Christ as the first, final, and only sacrifice for sin, had felt His cleansing blood wash away the black tar of sin that covered my soul, and experienced His joy flooding my being, I was still afraid to give up my only way out when life became unbearable.
But because of the love in my friend's eyes, because of the pleading in my counselor's eyes, because there were two women in my life who desperately wanted me to live, I stepped out in my baby faith, and made the decision they were asking for - but only if they promised to walk through the hard times with me.
I have SEVERE DEPRESSIVE DISORDER. It's written just like that, in all caps, across all my medical records. Did they have to do it in all caps? I mean, it's a little embarrassing. They put it there because almost two years ago, I was a slender thread away from committing suicide. I had the tool, I had the plan...but my conscience would not quite let me leave my children.
Today, I still have moments of severe depression, but suicide is no longer an option. Really. The truth is, such an act would accomplish nothing except to cause incredible damage to my family - and the people who love me. I belong to Christ. I have a solid foundation in my life. I have people who pray for me all the time. And I know depression for what it is - an emotional headache triggered by lies I tell myself. I can't always control the emotion of depression, but I can usually keep it at bay by countering the lies with truth.
This year, going a few weeks without Bible Study Fellowship is no big deal. It just gives me some time to work on my other studies. I rarely see my counselor, and I have no fear of what might happen if I'm separated from church for some reason. And while I still spiral into severe depression at times, my spirals have a bottom.
I know the depression is not me.
Two weeks ago, I had one of those horrible episodes when I ended up hiding in my room. More specifically, hiding under a blanket in my room, shaking. But something was different: while the depression crushed me under a terrible weight of worthlessness and failure, there was no guilt. It's gone. With the guilt gone, so was the anger - the intense urge to punish myself was simply nonexistent. Jesus already took my punishment. What could I add to His sacrifice?
Even better, with the anger at myself gone, so was the danger of lashing out at my children.
This is a huge change from two years ago. I used to have to lock myself in my room, with noise blaring to keep me from thinking, so I would quit hitting myself, and if my children disturbed me, I would find myself screaming at them. They learned to stay away from me during those times.
This time, when my littlest disturbed me, I didn't push him away. I hugged him. When another child asked a question, I crawled out from under my blanket to answer him. And I found once I started moving, I could keep moving, even if slowly. So I cleaned the girls' room. One. Object. At. A. Time. It was all I could do, but it kept that unbearable weight of depression from crushing me.
It took me a few days to get back on my feet and start thinking clearly again, but when I did, I was able to see the differences in how I reacted. I may still have to fight depression, but God has done an incredible work in my life. Even during my worst episodes, I am stronger than I was.
I did not get here by myself. God used people. Because that's what God does. That's what He has always done. God could have taken the animals through the Flood by leading them to a really high mountain - but he chose to lead them into an ark built by a man. This time of year, we are reminded that God could have sent His Son to earth as a full grown man - but He chose to send Him as a tiny baby completely reliant on frail humans to nurture, protect, teach, and raise Him to the adult Who could be our Savior.
Nearly two years ago, God used my sister to drag my hopeless self off my couch and insist David take me to a doctor. God used a doctor to diagnose me and get me the medical help I needed. God used a woman at church who saw me crying, and took me to someone who could show me Christ. And when that wasn't enough, God used a counselor to make me face my fears and teach me how to counter them with truth. God used a total stranger who came and listened at those counseling sessions to show me His unconditional love.
Except for the doctor, I met all of these people at a church. Along with a woman who barely knew me, but prayed for me for four years, and another who insisted I go to the Ladies Retreat where I found, for the first time, people I could be myself with. The person who insisted I go didn't make it, but God had two others standing by to give me a ride and make sure I didn't feel awkward around so many people I didn't know.
God used the simple sharing of another's tragedy to point me to where I could find help. God used the heart-wrenching journey of a debilitating disease that left behind a wife and two children to show me how He holds those who are His, no matter what circumstances come their way.
The list goes on.
Each of these people are a gift from God to me. And I would have met none of them had I refused to go to church. I need these people.
I know I'm an extreme case. There's a theory going around that church is just for babies in the Lord who aren't strong enough to stand on their own, and don't know enough Bible to teach themselves. While at one time, I thought this idea might have some validity, I could not make it on my own. My belief in this idea led to the belief that Jesus was angry with me because I failed to be strong enough to stand on my own.
The truth is, I was never meant to stand alone. None of us were. The Bible is very clear on this subject:
"And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching." Heb 10:24-25
This is not a law to control people, but a way of fulfilling the command given by Jesus:
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:34-35
"Love" is a verb - it requires action. We are not left to figure it out on our own, but the Scriptures define what love looks like:
"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord."
Colossians 3:16
and
"Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do."
I Thessalonians 5:11
But my personal favorite, putting it very simply, is
"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2
How do you keep this command when you either don't go to church at all, or refuse to build relationships with those in the church you attend? Yes, the church is the people, not the building or the services, but you meet the people by going to the building for the services. You find out about their lives and their needs by talking to them after those services. And, yes, they find out about yours.
And because they found out about mine, people have stepped up and borne my burdens for the past year. I no longer have to be carried, but I still appreciate their continual support, encouragement and prayers.
Sometimes I can even give back...if only just a bit. My heart bleeds for the widow who lost her husband recently. I don't have the words of wisdom to give her and only see her occasionally, but I can give my love and certainly my prayers. And I watch with gratitude to our Lord when I see others who know her better gather around and support her and her family.
If we are not part of a church family, how can we possibly pray for and support those who are grieving? We may think our relationship with God is so strong we don't need anybody else, and we may even get away with that kind of thinking for a time. But are we then withholding the gift of our strength from a weaker brother or sister who needs us?
What happens when tragedy strikes our home? When I am the one with a husband that's suffering, I want someone to come around, to pray with me, to sit with me in the hospital, to give me hugs and remind me that no matter how bad it gets, God is still in control, and He will bring me through.
No one gets through life without a few hard times. Are you rejecting the gift of people God would use to bless you?
Lord Jesus, please break down the walls of pride that keep me from accepting the people you place in my life. Give me the grace to accept strength and counsel from those you send me for that purpose, and the wisdom to give strength and counsel to those who need what you've already given me. Amen.
Jules
