Serving the I AM

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

I can't stop crying, so I guess it's time to write. I'm not crying because I am sad, but because my heart has been touched by grief and overwhelmed by gratitude.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

An old man wanders the halls of the new church I have been attending. He seems a little lost, a little unsure on his feet. Yet... a slight smile tugs at the corner of his mouth, and there's a twinkle in his eye. I smile back. I don't remember seeing him before. Something about him catches my attention and I turn to watch him as he passes unsteadily down the hall. I wonder if he has had a stroke.

Later, I find out it is worse than a stroke... and Jim isn't as old as he looks. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. Now he has a brain tumor - yet his eyes are saying, 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I will never forget the first time I met his wife, Virginia. I was wandering over to one of the few people I knew in a sea of unfamiliar faces. My friend was talking to Virginia and graciously introduced us. In a few words, my friend told me what Jim was going through, and that she was asking Virginia for an update. Virginia, equally gracious, allowed me, a total stranger, into her world and included me in her report. 

I was struck by her calmness as she told us her husband's mind and abilities were deteriorating, and it was only going to get worse.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

Two images flashed simultaneously across my memory. The first, my ungodly, alcoholic grandfather. Although diagnosed with dementia in his final years, my aunt always said he had "pickled brain." The more his mind deteriorated, the meaner he became, saying nasty things to people and spitting in the faces of the nurses who tried to feed him.

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

The second image was of my husband's grandmother, Grandma Eileen. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she could remember nothing more recent than forty years ago. Yet the day she met me, she patted me on the hand and said, "Oh, Honey, he (David) doesn't have to introduce you - I would never forget you!" Everything that woman did was aimed at making sure the people around her were happy and cared for - she even left sandwiches laying around for the helpers at the nursing home because, "they are growing boys and boys are always hungry." Her love for Jesus shone in her eyes and permeated her actions.

It was Grandma Eileen’s testimony that broke the final chains binding me to legalism and convinced me of the finality of Christ's work on the cross.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Hearing Virginia voice her concerns about what Jim's deterioration might do to his personality, I blurted out, 

"In my experience, the more a person's mind deteriorates, the more we see what Jesus has built in them."

What was I thinking? Open mouth, insert foot. Who was I to offer such advice to someone I didn't even know? I meant to be encouraging, but I must have sounded terribly condescending. Virginia only flashed me a beautiful smile and explained the drugs they were giving her husband were known to change personalities and to make people mean. There was nothing more I could say except that I would pray.

And pray I did. I prayed... and I watched. I don't know if Virginia even remembers meeting me, but I've spent the past eight months watching them like a hawk. I was new to faith in total salvation by Christ alone. I had been raised to believe only people who understood the doctrine of perfection could live a transformed life...and since people outside that fellowship did not believe in perfection.... Yet, I had seen Grandma Eileen, while not perfect, living a life so transformed, so different from the ordinary, it had convinced me of Jesus' complete ability to save us in spite of ourselves.

So I prayed, and I watched. Would it happen again? Was the God I now served more powerful than brain tumors, troublesome medications, and doctor's predictions? Had I just put a huge stumblingblock in front of a grieving wife?

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

February came, and with it the annual Ladies' Retreat. Virginia gave her testimony. A beautiful testimony of God's grace as He walked with her family through these terrible times... of how Jim's faith remained secure... of Jim laughing in times of clarity at things he'd done during times of confusion.,. of them being able to share their faith, love, and joy in spite of the medications and that terrible tumor. 

Over the spring and summer, I watched Jim age another ten years as he continued to decline. In all that time, I never once saw his smile waver.  In all that time, I saw only faith and courage in Virginia - and her still beautiful smile.

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

When my father went through his cancer twenty years ago, we prayed God would heal him - we begged God to heal him. Death was a frightening thing to one who had not yet reached perfection. Therefore, all our prayers centered on my dad being healed. Although my pastor did not teach faith healings, there were whispers around the edges...if only we had enough faith.... Then my father’s friend called him from California, "God told me He was going to heal you!"

My father was not afraid. He ignored both the nonsense about his rumored lack of faith and the hopeful prophecies. Somehow, the Lord he served his entire life had gotten past our perfectionist doctrine and assured my dad that he was saved. He had no doubt where he was going when he died. 

It is well, with my soul,

Unfortunately, while my dad rested in the peace of his Savior, the faith of others rested in dad's healing. When he was not healed, their faith was severely shaken. At least two people left the church over it. The rest of us sought comfort in believing maybe he reached perfection in his last hours. 

What a contrast I saw that night at Jim's memorial! The family was grieving - but only for themselves. Not one person there doubted where Jim was. Not one person wondered whether or not he reached perfection. Not one person secretly doubted if Jim was righteous enough to be saved.

Because it was not Jim's righteousness that mattered! It was Christ's righteousness. Jim had believed in the saving power of the cross of Christ and accepted Christ's righteousness as his own. Longtime friends testified to the transformation they had seen in Jim when he became a believer. Those who knew him well testified that he was not perfect, but he took his faults, his insecurities, his needs to the cross where his Savior met him every   single   time.

It is well, with my soul,

Instead of faith being shaken when Jim was not healed, faith was strengthened as people witnessed the faith of Jim and Virginia and the provision of their Lord as they walked through his final weeks...days...hours.

In the end, when Jim could barely talk, the pastor asked him what verse was helping him through these last days. (I noticed he did not ask if there was a verse - he knew there was one.) Jim's answer had me crying for days. On a piece of paper, with shaking hand, Jim wrote the reference Isaiah 26:3. 

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”

Jim and Virginia do not serve an If-Then God bound by circumstances. They serve the I AM.  

I have my answer.  Our Lord Jesus Christ is still bigger than brain tumors, troublesome medications and doctor's predictions. Is it any wonder the first song at his memorial was "It is Well?"

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well,

With my soul.

Dear Virginia, I know the days ahead are going to be hard. Please know that my prayers are still with you and your boys. Know as well that the I AM who brought you this far is still with you, keeping you, loving you. Rest in Him. 

God Bless, 

Jules

See story behind "It is Well" here.

"If - Then" or "I AM"

I serve a different God now than the one I served as a child. Oh, it's not the fault of the people who raised me. I just somehow had my perspective skewed. My understanding of God now is so completely different, it almost feels like I've changed religions. The Bible is the same. The terminology is the same. I don't have the right words to describe exactly what has changed. But my God is not the same.

It's like going from a 22-inch TV screen to Omnimax; or perhaps from a scratchy recording to surround sound - from one-dimensional to multi-dimensional.

The God I served as a child was puny and limited. The God I serve now is OMNIPOTENT.

Omnipotent. 

What a word! He's not a flat character bound by our choices and limited by our self-will because He's such a gentleman.

He's not a gentleman. He's the Almighty God. 

"Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases." Psalm 115:3 ESV.

Job discovered this:

"But he is in one mind, and who can turn him? and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth." Job 23:13 KJV

"Behold, God exalteth by his power: who teacheth like him? Who hath enjoined him his way? or who can say, Thou hast wrought iniquity?" Job 36:22-23

Horrible things were happening to Job. He did not understand why these were happening to him - but his grief and pain did not change his faith in his God. 

"Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips." Job 2:9-10

Why?

Because Job did not serve an "If - Then" God. His faith was not grounded in his prosperity or the things he hoped to gain in this life by serving God. His faith was grounded in Who God was and what He promised.

Sitting in the ash heap, scraping away boils, he resolutely declared,

"For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me." Job 19:25-27

Wow! Job had just lost his wealth, his children and his health. Why wasn't he shaken? Why did he still believe in his redeemer?

I used to hate the book of Job. It made absolutely no sense to me, because I, like Job's wife and friends, served an "If-Then" God.  "If" I did well, "then" God would bless me. "If" God was displeased with me "then" He would not bless me. When bad things happened, it was because God was trying to perfect me. "If" I handled the bad thing perfectly, "then" He would take it away and bless me again. "If" I did not handle it perfectly, "then" God would make me go through it again...and again...and again until I finally got it right.

The problem with this type of thinking, was that the "ifs" became my gods, and I did not even know it. 

"Think of those things in life that mean a great deal to you. If you were to lose this thing, would it destroy you?" ("The Sin of Idolatry", Rashid Alamir)

When I read Alamir’s article, my heart almost stopped beating. I had no idea my "ifs" were idols. I thought they were just what I was supposed to do. Then, one by one, the Lord took away my "if’s." One by one, everything I did to prove I was righteous became impossible for me to do. Each one left a hole in my foundation until at last I could not even attend church. And it completely destroyed me. I became a weeping, broken, non-functional mess.

In spite of my raging idolatry, Jesus loved me. How amazing is that? He loved me enough to destroy each of those idols - and kept me from doing something irreparable while He took them.

Only when all my works were gone and my own righteousness revealed as filthy rags could I finally come face to face with Who my Savior is, and what He has done for me. The more I understand the awesome power of His gift of grace, the more I realize circumstances do not matter. Good or bad, everything can be turned to God's glory, if we will let Him work through and in us. Sometimes the hardest circumstances are the ones where we discover the depth of our Lord's love and power in our lives.

Which brings me to the second reason Alamir's quote stopped my heart: 

I can no longer be destroyed!

My works did not gain me salvation. Christ's work bought my salvation. I did nothing to earn it; therefore I can do nothing to lose it. I am free - free to serve the I AM. 

The I AM who created the universe - created me.

"Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." Psalm 100:3

I don't have a lot of special talents or gifts. I can make a mean cup of coffee with any kind of machine you care to throw at me, and that's about it for talent. But my limitations don't matter - because the God who made me knows all of that - and He wants to use me.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

Isn't that incredible? No matter how ordinary or talented we are, God has already decided what He wants us to do. Look at that last phrase: "...that we should walk in them." To walk implies motion - if the door closes on one thing, we can be sure He has something else lined up. All I have to do is keep my eyes and heart open for the opportunities. I don't need any "if" idols to be secure in the love of my Savior.

What other idols did I hold?

I did not consider my church an idol, but losing it nearly cost me my soul. Why? Because I believed God could only be found within its walls. I was taught "If" I left that church "then" I would be cut off from God. But I don't serve a God limited by location any more. I serve the I AM.

The I AM who is omnipresent. 

I had understood God was always present, but somehow it's not the same. Changing the "always" to "omni-" adds the sense of being surrounded. I love the church I attend now. But if it falls apart or I have to leave it for some reason, I will still have my Savior. There are other churches, but there is only one Jesus. I don't have to be afraid of being abandoned.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

My heart sings. I want to dance for joy.

“Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 

If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10

What a beautiful promise! I cannot be destroyed by a change of location.

I serve the I AM.

ª   The I AM who is not bound by circumstances, not limited by location, not forced to conform to man's ideals, not subject to my demands.

ª   The I AM who is the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6)

ª   The I AM who is "...able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think..."  (Eph. 3:20)

ª   The I AM who remains faithful even when I am faithless. (II Timothy 2:13)

ª   The I AM - "...the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending... which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty." (Revelation 1:8)

Do we know who our God is?

Today, I am only beginning to touch the edges of His reality. It may take me all of eternity to even come close to knowing Him.

Thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus, I will have that eternity.

So can you.

God Bless, 

Jules

Baptism

Yes, On Sunday, June 21, 2015, I was baptized in a church completely unrelated to the fellowship where I grew up.

No, I have not lost either my mind or my faith.

Instead, I have learned a completely different Christ than the one I served as a child. Strange term - "learned Christ" - but it comes from the Bible. Interesting verse: Ephesians 4:20

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

Paul is talking about the change from the old man to the new. Backing up to verse 17:

17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,

18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:

Verse 19 lists various sins, then we get to verse 20:

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

I saw that verse for the first time nearly a year ago, and it has haunted me ever since. What does that mean, "Ye have not so learned Christ?" What does it mean to "learn Christ?" I did not know, but it seemed important. I think I am starting to understand it now.

I lived for forty-four years with my understanding darkened, alienated from the life of God, blind in my heart, because I had not learned who Christ was and what His sacrifice meant.

I thought Jesus died just to give us the gift of the Holy Ghost. I thought the Holy Ghost was what was supposed to make me perfect, though I did not know how. I thought Jesus could only use me if I was perfect. I saw Jesus as a righteous judge, sitting on His throne, throwing hardships at me that I had to navigate perfectly or He would send them again and again until I got it right.

I wasn't getting it right. 

I was getting it wrong - again, and again, and again, and again, and again...

Every. Single. Day.

No matter how determined I was when I woke up in the morning, I had failed miserably by the end of the day - usually long before noon.

I spiraled into a pool of miserable blackness, completely unable to wash my robe white - to make myself clean.  I could not wash my sins away. I had learned a Jesus who only paid for my past sins; my present sins were my responsibility.

And I could not bear them.

The trials came fast and furious, and I failed every test. I could not look at myself in the mirror. I became convinced that Jesus could not stand to look at me either. Why should He? I had "learned Christ" from a very young age, I should be able to please Him by now, and I could not.

Broken and bleeding on the inside, I ended up in a doctor's office, getting a prescription that would hopefully keep me from committing suicide, along with an order to get into counseling.

Where could I go?  

There was nothing the fellowship I was raised with could tell me I did not already know. Besides, my former counselor had moved to Illinois. The Portland splits were so angry with each other, I trusted none of them for objective counsel. I certainly could not go to a secular counselor when my despair was based on the belief my God had forsaken me.

Expecting nothing, I reluctantly went to the counseling program at a place called Southwest Hills Baptist Church.

Sitting in that room, hating the questions I was forced to answer, mentally arguing with everything the counselor said, I met Jesus.

A different Jesus whom I had not met before.

Not a cold judge, but a loving Savior.

One who left his majestic glory as King of the universe, and somehow was contained in the body of a tiny helpless babe.  He lived the life of a poor child of questionable birth during a time so barbaric, our Christianized minds shrink back from its brutality. He walked this earth as a human, with all the temptations of humanity thrown at Him from every side, yet He did not sin - even in His thoughts! Because He says in Matthew 5:27-28

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Also, Proverbs 23:7 states, 

 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Even in the most private of His thoughts, Jesus kept Himself pure. 

In over forty years of walking the path of perfection, I have not met one single saint who can make the same claim. I have met many who are as exhausted as I was from trying.

After healing the sick, raising the dead, giving sight to the blind, and endlessly teaching his disciples, He allowed Himself to be offered as a pure, spotless sacrifice for our sins. All of our sins, past, present, and future. Because He knew we would fail, but He did not. There is absolutely nothing we can add to that sacrifice.

Why?

Because the minute we sin, we've disqualified ourselves. The sacrificial lambs had to be without a single blemish to be accepted. As Isaiah 64:6 says,

"But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away."

Fortunately, we don't have to depend on our own righteousness. Christ has become our righteousness. I Corinthians 1:6

"But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:"

All we have to do is believe.  Romans 3:22

"Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe..."

Because Jesus didn't stay in the grave. He rose from the dead and ascended to His Father where He sits, making intercession for us.  Romans 8:34

"Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

Intercession - coming between us and the judgment we deserve. He didn't have to do that. He could have told His Father He was done with us - humanity was not worth it. Instead, I John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Every. Single. Time.

Day after day. As Lamentations 3:21-24 says, 

21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Wow. What a way to learn Christ!

When I finally grasped all of this, when I understood that this beautiful redemption could be for me, it changed everything!

I cannot find words to describe the complete transformation in my life since the day I fully accepted Jesus as the final sacrifice for my every sin. I can only say I am not the same person I was a year ago. I don't even recognize that person as me. My memories of those terrible times are like the story of a stranger.

My despair has changed to hope. My grief has been replaced with peace. My turmoil transformed to trust. My failures eclipsed by His victories.

I know what it means to have the joy of the Lord be my strength. When I remember what His sacrifice did for me, my soul dances and sings and circumstances can't touch me anymore.

I know what it means to have a peace that passes understanding. When I realize He has orchestrated every tiny detail of my life to bring me to where I am today, I have an absolute trust that He is in control of where He wants me to be tomorrow. He has a plan and a purpose and it's for my good!

When I see the enormity of the care He has taken of me these past eight years, I am overwhelmed by His love and His faithfulness.

He is so much bigger than I ever believed He could be, so much nearer than I could ever comprehend, and so much more involved with every aspect of my existence. I can truly say that

"...in him we live, and move, and have our being;" Acts 17:28a

The changes in my mind and heart are so great, I can only say I have been saved. Even though I have served God my entire life, I was only saved last August. Therefore, I needed to be baptized.

It seemed only right to share that moment with the people who taught me the meaning of the word, "grace".

They saved my life.

So, yes, I was baptized at Southwest Hills Baptist Church. I have learned much from them. They are a studious people, hungry for the Word, passionate to share the Gospel, full of the life of the Lord. I love where God has brought me. He has truly done great things.

God Bless,

Jules

Morning Prayer

My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.   Psalm 5:3

This Psalm has echoed in my heart since the first day I read it. Morning has always been my time for devotions.  If I did not take that time first thing in the morning, it did not happen. Then I started having babies. Lack of sleep and general morning chaos wrecked havoc with my devotions. Add in the confusion and despair that followed my church break-up, and my devotions became almost nonexistent. There were seasons when I would begin them again, but I could not seem to keep them going.

Then, last summer, the doctor put me on a medication that gave me lots of energy. Bouncing off the walls energy. I couldn't sit still for more than a few minutes, and I began waking up early in the morning - early meaning 5:30 AM or earlier. This is not normal for me. Since I was up that early anyway, I thought this would be a good prayer time. The only problem was that every time I tried to pray, someone else would get up and want attention. (My children tend to be early risers.) Frustrated, I began walking in the morning, just to have some quiet time.

This habit has become a treasured time for me. I handle the frustrations of the day much better if I have my morning time with the Lord. I was only on the medication for a brief time, but the energy and habit of waking early has stayed with me. I have been surprised by this, but thought maybe it was simply a lingering aftereffect.

Then came daylight savings.  I thought, This is it. There is no way I will be able to get up an hour earlier. I did not get up an hour earlier. I got up two hours earlier. It was completely bizarre.  Not only was I getting up earlier than normal, but I was also more wide awake than normal!

As I was walking on the second morning of this, an unbelievable thought popped into my head.

Maybe, just maybe, the Lord wants to talk to me in the morning as much as I want to talk to Him!

What an incredible thought! It's even in the Scriptures.

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Psalm 62:8

Arise, cry out in the night: in the beginning of the watches pour out thine heart like water before the face of the Lord:  Lamentations 2:19

I am completely blown away. The God of Heaven actually wants me to talk to Him. Somehow, I thought that prayer was only for my benefit - something I was supposed to do to show my faith.

But prayer is so much more than that. Prayer is how we build our relationship with God. The same God who sent His Son to redeem His fallen creation wants to have an ongoing relationship with us. That's what love is. Love is doing whatever you can to spend time with the ones you love. Whether that means taking time out of your schedule, sacrificing your resources, mending bridges...these are things we do when we love someone. God is not an absent parent - making sure we have what we need physically while He goes off and does something else. Instead, He wants to be fully integrated into every part of our lives. My mind has difficulty grasping this kind of love from the Creator of the universe.

I have learned more about prayer during these morning walks than I ever thought possible. As the wonder of Christ's saving work becomes more clear in my life, I have completely changed the way I pray. In my group at Bible Study Fellowship, we are handed a list of prayer requests, or A.S.K.'s, each week. Do not call them Asks. They are A.S.K.'s, and any leader in BSF will correct you immediately if you forget. Why?

A.S.K. comes from Matthew 7:7-8

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Okay, I get that. Why the big deal? Ask, A.S.K. - it's still just a prayer request, right? Not exactly. There is sooo much more to it than that, as I discovered a few months ago.

Sometime in February, I came to a crossroads in my life. I needed some answers to something that was critically important. I knew if I sought for counsel among those I loved, I would get diametrically opposed answers. I needed to know the truth for myself. I needed the Lord to make the answer clear to me from His Word. Without realizing it, I applied the A.S.K. principle.

I started asking questions, and seeking for their answers in the Word of God. At first, I did not find much except more questions. I needed to seek some more. I would tweak my questions, seek for more answers in the Word of God, and once again, knock at the door of heaven. I repeated this process over and over. One amazing day, the door of heaven opened, and the light nearly blinded me. I had my answer, and it seemed so clear and simple I could not understand why I had not seen it before. With the answer to my question, came also an understanding of what it meant to A.S.K.

Ask:

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  Philippians 4:6

I think most of us have this part down, although the thanksgiving part sometimes eludes me.


Seek:

This is the step I tend to forget. Oh, I remember the obvious application:

Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Isaiah 55:6

but there is another application that I have often neglected:

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

In my quest for answers, this part was critical.


Knock:

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: Matthew 7:7

This principal has completely changed the way I pray. I begin with thanking the Lord - for the opportunity to meet with Him one more time, for the day, for the beauty around me, for the sacrifice of Jesus, and for anything else I can think of. Then, as I bring people and situations before the Lord, I try also to seek the Kingdom of God - to ask that God will bring His glory into the situation. I bring all to the Lord with a humble heart, instead of pounding, begging, or demanding, as I used to do. I recognize that He is in control. I knock gently as I lay these requests at His door.

The results have been incredible. Most of the circumstances I've prayed for have not changed, but the hearts of the people involved have changed dramatically - even mine. Perhaps especially mine. I am beginning to understand what it means to have a peace that passes understanding, and a joy that the world does not give and cannot take away. Peace and joy that are not dependent on circumstances but are instead dependent on my relationship with the Savior of my soul, and with an absolute trust that He loves me more than I love me. A trust that His love is far greater than mine, and whatever the circumstances, He is only interested in the absolute best for me and for those I love.

When I can remember these things, my heart dances, and I rejoice.

May the Lord wrap you in His arms and may you also rejoice in His love.

Jules

Writing By Faith

Voices.

It's the voices that get to me.

Soundless voices that echo endlessly in the back of my head.

It began with a still, small voice that told me to write. A compulsive command that resonated through my veins and made my fingers itch. I ignored it as long as I could, but it was relentless. Almost a year ago now, I gave up, and I began to write my story.

I like that voice. That voice gives me permission to do what I want to do anyway. To play with words and weave pictures and somehow, somehow proclaim to the world the glorious song of redemption that plays endlessly in my heart. I can't sing it - but maybe I can write it.

But as I get deeper into my story, deeper into the pit from which I've been redeemed, the other voices begin hounding me. Sometimes barely audible, sometimes like a pack of yipping chihuahuas, tearing at the edges of my paper,

"What do you think you're doing? Nobody's going to want to read this! Why would they? Who wants to read about someone else's personal angst?"

I hesitate. My fingers fumble at the keys. My words refuse to flow smoothly. Maybe the chihuahuas are right, I am being stupid.

"Write."

It's that still, quiet voice again, and it is a command. I obey, but inside, the battle rages.

However, as my Bible Study Fellowship leader keeps repeating, we serve a kind, gracious God who never calls us to do what He will not equip us to finish.

Just when the yipping starts to pull me under, it is time for the Winter 2015 Oregon Christian Writer's Conference. I am tired. I am ready to give up. I don't really want to go - but my son and my sister are going. I have promised a report to my critique group. I've already registered. Pride won't let me back out, so I go.

I go to a place my Heavenly Father prepared for me months ago, before I even knew I would have a need. I find I am not the only one who writes simply because that quiet voice won't let me stop.

It begins early...before the keynote speaker is even introduced. Maxine begins with devotions, reminding us for whom we write, asking God to be the center of our works, asking that He will use our writing to bring glory to Him and value to the reader.

She then brings us to Isaiah 41:17-20

17 When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

18 I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.

19 I will plant in the wilderness the cedar, the shittah tree, and the myrtle, and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the fir tree, and the pine, and the box tree together:

20 That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand together, that the hand of the Lord hath done this, and the Holy One of Israel hath created it.

Trees found in the desert. Many varieties, each with a distinctive use. Because we all come from different backgrounds - different soils, if you will - yet those very differences have equipped us with everything we need to accomplish the purpose God has designed for us. We are HIS. What He has spoken will come to pass.  Isaiah 55:11

11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

As these words sink into my doubting heart, the keynote speaker, Bill Giovannetti is introduced.

Bill brings us to the story of Peter walking on the water - but he gives the story a twist. He points out that the miracle of the story is not that Peter walked on water - physics is easy for the creator of physics. The real miracle of the story is that Peter got out of the ship. He hitched up his robe and stepped over the side with the other disciples (like my yipping chihuahuas) watching in fear from the safety of the ship. He likened Peter stepping out on the water to our putting pen to paper - or fingers to the keyboard, for the more technologically minded.

The point is that our job is faith. Our job is to get out of the boat - to start writing. It is God's job to control the outcome. He sees the big picture and weaves together our stories with the stories of others. We can't see where our writing may lead - all we see is the mess. "Heaven is less interested in our getting published than in our keeping faith with God." Nothing leaves you as vulnerable as stepping out in faith. However, "If you walk in faith, grace will find you."

"If God has called you to write, the only way to sink is to stop writing."

Forget the yapping chihuahuas, the nay-sayers, the fearful who try to keep you in the boat. Jesus expects you to live a life of bold faith.

Why?

Because He is standing right beside you. It is not the size of your faith that matters. It is the fact of your faith - and the size of your Savior. "If you have enough faith to pray, you have faith enough."

That was just the first session. In the second session, Bill got personal.

He talked about the labels that have been slapped on us. Words and attitudes that have been hammered at us until we believed them and made them our own.

But those labels are not who we are - not anymore - not once we have accepted the sacrifice of Christ.

As Christians, Christ is our identity.

Paul said it best in Galatians 2:20

20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

When we come to Christ and accept His grace, the first thing grace does is rehab our identity.

Through grace we are transformed from sinner to saint; addict to redeemed.

Through grace the guilty are forgiven and the worthless become precious.

By grace, those labeled stupid or incompetent find themselves able to do all things through Christ.

By grace, the lost and forgotten are engraved on the palms of His hands.

Forget the labels this world has pasted on you - go write the words God has given you. Write from your pain, your passion, your fear, your joys. All good writing is emotional. Emotions are the threads that bind our writing to the hearts of our readers. Humans need heat and light - the light of God's truth mediated through the heat of our emotions.

In the end, the goal of our writing, our aim, the outcome we pray the Lord will grant us is to

"Take the reader by the hand, and walk them home to their true self in Christ."


If my story can do that for one person, then it is worth it to write.

God bless,

Jules

In the Eye of the Storm

I have not written in a long time, and I do apologize.  The Lord has been moving me into a new era in my life.  I feel as though I am walking through a massive tornado - but safely held in the eye of the storm while events swirl crazily around me.  Events - ideas - new ways of thinking - wrongs being turned right - impossible heartache being redeemed.  There is so much to learn!  So much I need to study!  So many questions to ask!

As I begin to understand more and more about the sacrifice of Jesus and His cleansing blood, there is a cascading effect on my thinking patterns.  Everything is inter-connected.  If it is the blood that saves me and not my own works, how does that effect the doctrine of resurrection? What I was taught was very complicated.  I was taught there was a heavenly body waiting for those who reached perfection, and an earthly body waiting for those who did not.  However, there is no record in the New Testament that anyone has ever reached Jesus-level perfection in this life.  There are, however, many references to being covered bythe righteousness of Christ.

Romans is particularly eloquent on the subject.  In chapter three, for example, Paul makes it clear that we cannot be righteous in our selves:

10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:

And,

20 Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight...

Therefore I can only rely on a righteousness given by God - which is provided through faith in His Son:

22 Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference:

23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

25 Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God;

26 To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

Did you notice that verse 24 says that we are justified freely?  That word denotes generosity - open handedness.  It also denotes a complete lack of attached requirements for those who will believe.

So if it is the righteousness of God and not our own that saves us, how would it be decided who received an earthly resurrection and who gets a heavenly one?  (Assuming there are two different resurrections, which I now doubt.)  The answer I was given, and that I find curiously comforting, is Colossians 3:3

3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 

Somehow, that is enough.  I can leave the question in the hands of my Saviour.

In the doctrine of perfection, I was taught that Christ paid for my past sins, but my present and future sins were my responsibility.

Here's the problem:  Sin can only be atoned for with a spotless sacrifice.  As soon as I sin, my soul is stained, and I am no longer qualified as a sacrifice.  How in the world could I then cleanse myself from my present and future sins?  I cannot.  Nor can I find anything in the New Testament that tells me I should.  The scriptures are very clear about what I should do with my sins.
I John 1:9

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Again, it is Jesus that washes us clean.  How?

7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

Through His blood, shed for me at Calvary.

Do you know what is really wonderful about all of this?  The blood was shed so that we could have access to the Father.  I was raised to ignore the Father.  Somehow, once I learned that it is through the blood of the Son that we come to the Father, I delight in doing exactly that.

There is such a beautiful picture of this found in the Tabernacle in the Wilderness.  I have recently joined Bible Study International, an organization founded in 1959 by a woman who believed women should be better acquainted with their Bibles.  We are studying the life of Moses, and therefore, the Tabernacle.  What a beautiful walk-through of the Gospel this is!  There is only one entrance into the courtyard of the Tabernacle.  In John 14:6, Jesus said,

6 ...I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Not clear enough?  There's another verse in John 10:9,

9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved.

We begin our journey into God's presence by coming through His Son, Jesus.  Once we have entered the outer court, the first thing we see is the brazen altar, where all the sacrifices were brought.  Over and over again it is made clear that the need of every one of these sacrifices was fulfilled in the sacrifice of Jesus.  Hebrews 10:9 states it quite clearly:

12 But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins for ever, sat down on the right hand of God;

But you know the verse I really like?

14 For by one offering he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.

It is through His sacrifice that we are perfected.  Funny thing. The only place we are asked to sacrifice ourselves is in Romans 12:1:

 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

Here, we are called a living sacrifice, offered as the only reasonable response to His perfect sacrifice.

Once the sacrifice is made, we come to the brazen laver, where we are washed and made clean. Ephesians 5:26

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it (the church) with the washing of water by the word

Why do we need to be washed with the word?  How else will we find out what needs to be cleansed? Jesus atones for our sins, but we do need to bring them to Him.  Revelation 7:14

14 ... And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

 Note, it is the blood of the Lamb that makes the robes white.  Not our own efforts.

Once clean, we can take the sweet incense of our prayers,
Revelation 8:4

4 And the smoke of the incense, which came with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.

light that incense with the coals from the sacrifice of Jesus, and come boldly into the Tabernacle itself, where the veil has been rent, from top to bottom, giving us full access to our Heavenly Father.

Hebrews 4:16

16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Isn't that a beautiful picture?

I am grateful - deliriously, rapturously, supremely grateful that my precious Saviour did not leave me to rot in the sins I could not cleanse, struggling to pay a price He had already paid.  I was completely oblivious to what His sacrifice meant for me, and He could have left me there.

I am afraid I have caused Him no end of trouble with my "Julie do it!" attitude.  Like a four-year-old who wants to do everything for themselves and cannot understand why they fail.  I was not looking for answers.  I accepted my failure and expected to die in my sin.  But the Lord was gracious.  He sent me person after person to tell me the message of grace.  And when I still could not believe, He sent me a special friend to be an example of His grace.  Never underestimate what can happen when you let Jesus love through you!

Eight years.  Eight long years of me struggling and screaming and accusing my loving Saviour of all sorts of terrible things.  He endured it all.  Patiently blocking me from going here, opening a door for me to go there, sneaking a lesson in during the rare times I was calm enough to listen.

I stand today, washed clean, basking in my Saviour's amazing grace, and able to daily kneel at my Father's feet because of one thing:  I have a God who does not fail and would not give up.


The Lord bless you and keep you;  the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift up His countenance unto you, and give you peace.  Numbers 6:24-26



Jules