What a delightful weekend I've had. Just spent 2 days at the annual OCEAN Conference. For those unfamiliar with OCEAN it's Oregon Christian Educator's Association Network. (You can find it at OCEANetwork.org - one 'N'). I always love this conference because it reminds me that I'm not alone.
Not alone in having a big family - not alone in wanting a godly family - not alone in my frustrations and fears - not alone in my inadequacy - not alone in my deep need for God in this process - and not alone in the rewards that come from following it.
What a blessing and relief it is to talk to parents who have survived the 14-18 year age range that I am currently entering. To realize that these people have crazy, seemingly unproductive homeschool days, and yet their children still test, on average, consistently higher than public schools. (I have no idea what the rating is compared to private schools.)
I've listened to mothers confess to homeschooling while their kids are in their pajamas. I think, "Hah! At least I make MY kids get dressed!" We won't mention the fact that while their kids are learning in their pajamas, mine are fully clothed, playing out in the yard because I haven't got it together enough to even start schooling.
I wander through the curriculum hall. Oh! How I would love to unit study and have art projects to demonstrate our learning -- and look at all the cool Math games that I would love to buy and never get around to playing with my kids.
Forget art! We're lucky if we get Bible and one other subject done. My poor 5-year-old is sooooo neglected. The only reason we do Bible at all is because I make myself do that first. What kind of mother do I think I am? What gives me the right to have all these children? I fail every - single - day. And the world's voice screams at me that I am a shame to homeschooling, a shame to big families, a shame to Christianity, and a shame to my Lord Jesus Christ Himself. Who do I think I am?
I am a mother who has a choice.
I can listen to the voices screaming at me that I am just a sinner who deserves to die. That I am the reason birth control was invented. I can follow those voices into the deep, dark pit of black despair.
Or I can listen to a still, small voice in the quiet of my soul that says, "Yes, actually you are a sinner, and you do fail. But in the midst of all that, My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your weakness." We heard this message again and again at the conference.
The Bible says that children are a gift from God. I would not even have them if God had not given them to me. All - six - of - them. I know barren women that I think would make much better mothers than me... but God gave them to me. Why? Heidi St. John says because that's how many it took for me to realize just how much I needed God. (slight re-wording).
Something Todd Wilson said a couple of conferences ago has been working its way down into my spirit. He was talking to dads. I don't usually listen to talks to dads. Every dad does things slightly differently. My poor husband would be completely overwhelmed if I took everything that every dad does and expected him do them all. (Wives, are you listening?) However, Todd came up on random play on my computer, and he's funny, so I let the MP3 play. He made this statement: "If you were to die today, the only one that could replace you as a father is God Himself. You are plan A. God is plan B."
Wow.
That goes for mothers, too. There is no teacher, no coach, no curriculum, no "supernannny", no auntie, nor grandma that can replace what you do for your children. Know what else? God knew every single one of your faults, inadequacies and failures before He ever gave you those children. Knowing all that He knows, He chose YOU to be their mother. YOU are God's perfect plan for your children. He has matched them up with you perfectly.
Sit with that in your spirit for a minute.
The next time you are tempted to crawl into a hole, remember that God created you, He created your children, and He knows what is best for both of you.
Then go read I Corinthians 12:9
"And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
God Bless,
Jules
