A Biblical Excuse for Homeschooling

Yes, I called it an excuse.  Because sometimes you feel like you need an excuse. Because the guy at the park is doing everything in his power to convince you your son will not be able to find his place in society if he does not spend enough time immersed in his own age group. This after complementing you on how articulate he is and how well he interacts with his siblings.

The truth is, when you homeschool, the world lands on your shoulders.  Socialization, academics, spiritual life, character, special needs (even "normal" kids sometimes have them) - the responsibility for all of it is on mom's shoulders.  Yes, the mom's...sorry dads, but even a supportive dad is rarely involved enough to shift the blame.  These are the children God gave us, and we moms all feel that if anything goes wrong in any of the above areas, it is because we did something wrong.

It is sooo much easier to shift that blame over to someone else: Let church handle the spiritual life; school handle socialization, academics and special needs.  What a relief! My only responsibility is character, and if something goes wrong I can always blame it on the "wrong" friends.

Seriously, if your only concern is academics, there are some really good schools out there that will keep your child in lock-step with the rest of their age group, teach them to properly diagram a sentence, and have them doing calculus by twelve.  By age sixteen, your children will be perfect cybermen. (Oops! Did I just say that out loud?)

How much do you love your children?  Do you ever take a moment to look down the road at their future and consider what their life will look like in thirty years?  I do...and I am completely terrified. I am terrified that I will dot every i and cross every t, and thirty years from now be raising my grandchildren, who are horribly scarred due to divorce and want nothing to do with God.

I am raising my children with my grandchildren in mind.  In the end, I know that regardless of what I do, it will be God's grace and mercy that saves them from the above fate. However, as Gregg Harris so often says, "Give God something to work with!"

Homeschooling, for me, has very little to do with academics.  If I can give my children a love for books and learning, a basic foundation in math, and a good work ethic, the academics will take care of themselves. I know that sounds sacrilegious to the well-educated out there, but my children will go a lot farther in life with a love for learning than they will with a head stuffed full of facts and a hatred for academics.

Coming off my soapbox now and back to my title...

The conversation I opened with really happened.  I had allowed my children to go ahead of me into a park.  When I followed about five minutes later, this gentleman stopped me. He told me he was very impressed with how William carried himself, how intelligent he was to talk to, and how well he looked after the little ones.  As I was starting to stand a little straighter and feel like I was doing something right, he added, "He says you homeschool. Do you realize how badly he needs to be around boys his age?"

Caught off-guard, I pointed out that my children were learning to interact with all age groups, not just their own.

"That's okay when they're younger, but your older son needs to be around other boys. He will be confused about his place in life if he is not able to work it out in a group of boys his age.  Being around adults will keep him from growing up. He needs his peers to teach him where he stands in society."

I blinked.  This was a new one.  As this man was not a Christian, there was not much I could say to change his mind.

I finally stammered that I would try to get him into a co-op this fall, and made my escape.

His words stayed with me.  I am not nearly as articulate in repeating his argument as he was in presenting it.  The very idea boggled my mind.  I was apparently supposed to throw my son in the middle of a dog pack so he could figure out his place before he joined the dog-eat-dog world outside my doors.  While I knew he was wrong, the mommy guilt was setting in.  Maybe I should work harder to get my sons more interaction.  Would my introvert come out of his shell more if I threw him in with just his age group?  Would my oldest always remain a child if he was not thrown into a dog fight to prove his alpha-dogness?

Oh, wait...I am not raising dogs.  I'm raising men. Men who will one day, Lord willing, become sons of God (John 1:12), and have dominion over the animals - including dogs.

A few days later, I ran across this scripture:

Psalm 144:12-15

12 That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace:

13 That our garners may be full, affording all manner of store: that our sheep may bring forth thousands and ten thousands in our streets:

14 That our oxen may be strong to labour; that there be no breaking in, nor going out; that there be no complaining in our streets.

15 Happy is that people, that is in such a case: yea, happy is that people, whose God is the Lord.

What homeschool parent doesn't know verse 12?  But I never connected it with verse 11. I had read the chapter many times; yet I never noticed what David was asking God to do so that "our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth," and "our daughters as cornerstones".  Those happy people "whose God is the Lord" had been delivered from something before those things could happen.  Here is the preface to all of those blessings; the prayer from verse 11:

11 Rid me, and deliver me from the hand of strange children, whose mouth speaketh vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood:

Blink...blink.

I know the ungodly do not want to accept Bible answers, but I finally had one.  This is why I homeschool.  I may not be able to deliver my children from all the pressures of the sinful world around them, but I can make them harder to reach.  The word "strange" in Bible days did not mean "unusual in a weird way", it meant unknown.  The children of strangers. I cannot know every child in a school, how they are raised, and what their values are.  If I want the Lord to "rid me, and deliver me from the hand of strange children", I cannot throw my children into their midst on a daily basis.  That's like asking God to keep you warm in a snowstorm as you wander outside without a coat.

Proverbs 13:20

20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

I want my children to be wise. I need to find them companions that are wise.  I need to put a coat on them, as it were. How?

Romans 12:21 has a good answer:

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

I cannot shirk my responsibility.  But I can turn to the Lord for help, for strength, for patience and for wisdom.  I can use the tools God has given me: His Word, prayer, and other godly families. Sometimes you have to search for these tools, but God will not ask you to do what He will not provide tools to accomplish.  Finally, I can run to the cross of Christ, recognize that He died because I fail. He shed His blood to make up the difference.  It is not just on MY shoulders anymore, if I will get in the yoke with Him and let Him take the lead.

I close with Proverbs 3:5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Be encouraged mothers.  Shake off the doubts in your head, the nay-sayings of unbelievers, and the well-meant but unbiblical advice of believers.  Stand firm in the light of the Lord, and, above all, remember this:

Jesus loves your children even more than you do.

God Bless,

Jules

The Elder Brother

Read a post today about a new book coming out.  I don't recall the title, but it was yet another story of a prodigal. Chased from God by unloving religion, this young lady embarked on an incredible journey that led her into the saving grace of Jesus.

What a wonderful story!  Don't we all love to hear those stories?  To weep with the lost and rejoice with the found?

Yet, an almost rebellious question popped into my mind:  Why are the stories always about the prodigals, and never about the elder brother?  Because if that girl was the prodigal, then I am the older brother.

We look at the older brother and we think, "How selfish! Yes, his brother made some bad decisions, but he paid for them with loss and heartache.  Now he's back and all the older brother cares about is not having a party for himself?"  We shake our heads and cluck with self-righteous disapproval.

I'd like to offer a different perspective.

Yes, some older brothers just want a party.  But sometimes there's a deeper issue.  Let me set the scene for you.  Younger brother, let's call him Sam, asks for his inheritance. Father gives it.  Sam goes and starts having the time of his life.  Parties, friends, games, anything he wants... Older brother, call him James, watches in horror.  James knows none of this will bring lasting happiness, but there is a secret part of him that envies Sam and wishes he dared do something like that ... just once.  He doesn't.  Nor does he admit to anyone that secret desire - he quashes it immediately when it rears its ugly head. Good people work.  They don't play until the work is done... and then they keep it dignified.  What Sam is doing is NOT dignified.

Time passes.  The family loses track of Sam.  James, ever faithful, ever obedient, continues to work hard on the family farm.  Nobody pays much attention to James, but they pray every day for Sam, crying out to God that He will bring their boy back to them. James prays too, but that secret part of his heart wishes his parents would notice that they still have one boy.

Then, Praise the Lord!  Sam comes home.  Ragged, skeletal, broken... but home.  The father is thrilled! They kill the fatted calf. They invite all of their friends.  The music plays; the home is filled with joy and laughter.  James wearily trudges home at the end of a long day, ready for a good meal and a hot bath... but what is all this noise?  The servants tell him, "Your brother came home!"

James freezes in his tracks.  The faithful, ignored one.  They are giving a party to Sam.



And they didn't even invite him!



Oh, since he showed up, he's welcome to come inside, but no one thought of him out in the field.  No one sent for him to rejoice.  All his faithfulness means nothing, in the long run.

And if he dares to try to express all those emotions tumbling around inside, he is written off as selfish.


Please understand, my parents never neglected me or made me feel ignored.  I had the best parents on the planet.  But I went to a church school.  Same kids, same teachers for 12 years.  Even if the teachers quit teaching in the school, we still saw them at church. As we grew into our teen years, I watched the "cool" people bending over backwards trying to "save" the teens who were seemingly not interested in God.  I had my own friends, but I kind of wished some of the "cool" people would do some of the cool things with me that they kept doing with the other teens.

I remember our band leader having a "heart-to-heart" with the high school students at the beginning of one school year.  She said something special about every student there, pointing out the things they could do to build each other up in the Lord, some talent they had that could be used of God.  When she came to me, I swear her mind went blank.  "And Julie... well, she's faithful. Always has been, always will be."  I felt like a nice piece of wallpaper.

I kept trying to think of little things I could do, skating the edge of "badness", just so people would notice me as a person.  I told one of my friends I should wear a black strapless dress to my graduation, just to get people's attention.  She thought that was hilarious... I think she would have helped me pick one out... except that she was restrained by the standard I was.  There are some things one just doesn't do in an ultra-conservative setting.

One more story that I hope brings the point home.  When I was in college, something happened that had me devastated...something that probably wouldn't even bother a normal person (before your mind goes to all the horrible things that can happen on a college campus).  I, however, was very upset at the situation.  A lady that I considered my friend noticed I was upset and asked me if I was going to be okay.  I told her I didn't know.  She laughed, and said, "You will be, you always have been before." Then she just walked away.  I stared after her, thinking, "How do you know? What if I'm not?" She never even asked what was wrong.

I'm not complaining.  I was lucky.  In spite of my teenage angst, I really did have good friends and people who cared about me.

So what am I trying to say?  Just this:

Parents, don't neglect the good kids.  The ones who do not cause trouble.  They need to know they are important to you, too.

One of the speakers at the OCEAN conference (Carol Barnier) mentioned this.  She had two ADHD children and one compliant child.  She pointed out that you don't have to give the compliant child as much time as the difficult ones.  I can testify to the truth of that statement.  You don't have to give us as much attention... we really do understand.  Then she said, "But you do have to give them some time." She said that she cut an hour out of her week to spend just with that compliant child... alone.  I wanted to leap out of my seat, throw my arms around her neck and cry, "Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for understanding!"  It could be half an hour... it could be fifteen minutes... just something to let us know we matter.

In my case, I spent a lot of time folding laundry with my mom.  I knew she appreciated that she didn't have to worry about me.  I knew she would always be there to listen.

However, at these homeschool conferences, on parenting sites, on different blogs, everyone always seems worried about the difficult children.  I just want to point out that, whether you have a prodigal or an older brother, both need your love.  Both need to know you will listen.  And both have an equal need for the Savior.

Remember your quiet child.  Read Lisa Jacobson's How to Get Your Quiet Child to Talk . Give them an extra hug.  Let them know you appreciate not having to worry about them.

Most of all, make sure they know you will listen when they need you.

God Bless,

Jules

Mothers In God's Eyes

What a delightful weekend I've had.  Just spent 2 days at the annual OCEAN Conference. For those unfamiliar with OCEAN it's Oregon Christian Educator's Association Network. (You can find it at OCEANetwork.org - one 'N').  I always love this conference because it reminds me that I'm not alone.

Not alone in having a big family - not alone in wanting a godly family - not alone in my frustrations and fears - not alone in my inadequacy - not alone in my deep need for God in this process - and not alone in the rewards that come from following it.

What a blessing and relief it is to talk to parents who have survived the 14-18 year age range that I am currently entering.  To realize that these people have crazy, seemingly unproductive homeschool days, and yet their children still test, on average, consistently higher than public schools. (I have no idea what the rating is compared to private schools.)

I've listened to mothers confess to homeschooling while their kids are in their pajamas.  I think, "Hah!  At least I make MY kids get dressed!"  We won't mention the fact that while their kids are learning in their pajamas, mine are fully clothed, playing out in the yard because I haven't got it together enough to even start schooling.

I wander through the curriculum hall.  Oh! How I would love to unit study and have art projects to demonstrate our learning -- and look at all the cool Math games that I would love to buy and never get around to playing with my kids.

Forget art!  We're lucky if we get Bible and one other subject done.  My poor 5-year-old is sooooo neglected.  The only reason we do Bible at all is because I make myself do that first.  What kind of mother do I think I am?  What gives me the right to have all these children?  I fail every - single - day.  And the world's voice screams at me that I am a shame to homeschooling, a shame to big families, a shame to Christianity, and a shame to my Lord Jesus Christ Himself.  Who do I think I am?

I am a mother who has a choice.

I can listen to the voices screaming at me that I am just a sinner who deserves to die. That I am the reason birth control was invented.  I can follow those voices into the deep, dark pit of black despair.

Or I can listen to a still, small voice in the quiet of my soul that says, "Yes, actually you are a sinner, and you do fail.  But in the midst of all that, My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your weakness."  We heard this message again and again at the conference.

The Bible says that children are a gift from God.  I would not even have them if God had not given them to me.  All - six - of - them.  I know barren women that I think would make much better mothers than me... but God gave them to me.  Why?  Heidi St. John says because that's how many it took for me to realize just how much I needed God. (slight re-wording).

Something Todd Wilson said a couple of conferences ago has been working its way down into my spirit.  He was talking to dads.  I don't usually listen to talks to dads.  Every dad does things slightly differently.  My poor husband would be completely overwhelmed if I took everything that every dad does and expected him do them all. (Wives, are you listening?)  However, Todd came up on random play on my computer, and he's funny, so I let the MP3 play.  He made this statement: "If you were to die today, the only one that could replace you as a father is God Himself.  You are plan A.  God is plan B."

Wow.

That goes for mothers, too.  There is no teacher, no coach, no curriculum, no "supernannny", no auntie, nor grandma that can replace what you do for your children. Know what else?  God knew every single one of your faults, inadequacies and failures before He ever gave you those children.  Knowing all that He knows, He chose YOU to be their mother.  YOU are God's perfect plan for your children.  He has matched them up with you perfectly.

Sit with that in your spirit for a minute.

The next time you are tempted to crawl into a hole, remember that God created you, He created your children, and He knows what is best for both of you.

Then go read I Corinthians 12:9

"And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

God Bless,

Jules

Why Do Our Children Leave?

I guess this is appropriate, coming on the heels of my last blog, although I did not plan this.

The fellowship we have been visiting while here in Portland has raised concerns over their children and the choices their children have made as they became adults.  They feel they need to start youth-based, youth directed Bible studies (under the guidance of an experienced, adult couple) because their youth are leaving their church and attending other churches after attaining adulthood.  Let me state, before anything else, that I think the Bible study as they have outlined it is a fantastic idea.  How can our children learn to be adults if we never give them the opportunity to do adult things?

That said, when I look at their reasons for doing this, my heart screams in agony.  I pray to God that He will allow me to voice my heart cry so that others may understand.

First of all, dear, precious people of God, fall on your knees before a merciful God and praise His name in absolute gratitude that your children are still serving Him... no matter what church.  My beloved brothers and sisters, for the most part, are not.  There were 17 of us, from different families, but we grew up together, went to the same church together, learned the same lessons, had the same joys and losses... we were siblings.  Even if some them prefer not to claim me, I will always claim them. Out of the 17,  four are serving the Lord.  Count them.  Four.

Every one of them had the gift of the Holy Ghost.  Every one can quote Bible and most can prove our beliefs from Bible scriptures.  Every one, at some point in time, had a personal experience with God.  And one by one, I watched them leave... because, of the four that are still serving the Lord, only one couple is a part of what is left of our church... and they left and came back.

You see, I am the one that stayed.  At least until the war came and what we had was destroyed.

You may think I am not qualified to speak on this issue because I have not raised any children to adulthood in church.  You are right.  As a parent, I am not qualified.  But as a child who grew up in church, please hear me.

First of all, do not be offended if your adult sons and daughters feel the need to explore.  I was a certified "church angel".  Ask anyone who knew me.  I went to the most wonderful church on the planet (according to me).  We had a pastor that always had something fresh to share, and I wouldn't have traded him for anything.  I still miss him.  Yet, there came a time when I felt that there was something else God wanted to teach me, and I couldn't learn it where I was at.  I needed to see life and the Bible from a new perspective in order to grow.  I needed to leave the place I was in to get that perspective. This is not an insult.  It is part of growing up in the Lord.

Second, creating a bubble for the young people to keep them entertained and interested is how the youth groups we see all around us began.  "The young people need something more, let's create a program just for them, where they can associate with their own age.  Then they'll want to stay."  It works great... until the kids outgrow the bubble, then what?

Thus, the cycle repeats itself.  One of the principles that Household of Faith was founded on is that church needs to be age-integrated.  It is one of the things that make fellowship there such a relief for my family.  Please don't make the mistake of tossing that principle out the window, of making the same mistake as hundreds before you.  (Please don't feel bad, it is a very common mistake.)  The mistake is that you are treating the symptoms, not the problem.  We are buying into the very ideals that are helping to destroy our public schools.  When you segregate children by age, they have only themselves to look to for examples.  Children trying to impress other children rarely produce anything good.  We don't want our children to be raised by children.  This is one of the reasons we homeschool.  We want our children to become adults.

Understand, this is only one woman's perspective, but the main reason I see/had for wanting to go someplace besides where one is raised, is that the people who raised us have a tendency to not let us grow up.  Giving them a Bible study or other such event, while good training, will not help them in this area.  It's like patting them on the head and saying, "You're such a good kid, why don't you come play adult for a while."  Meanwhile the non-supervising adults go back to their concerns; back to ignoring the young people.  Did you hear what I just said?

The young people aren't leaving because you are not providing them enough entertainment.  They are leaving because you are not making them a part of your world.  Don't believe me?  Look around after services, during fellowships, at special events... What do you see?  You see adults talking to adults, and young people talking to young people.  You see adults clustered at one end of the table, little children clustered at the other end, and the young people at a completely separate table.  (I am as guilty here as anyone.)  When was the last time you, as an adult, joined a group of young people and had a conversation with them?  At the time when they should be integrating among you, they are becoming more and more set apart.  Because we adults are living in denial.  In our minds, they are still 10 years old...they can't possibly be sixteen already, they were cutting their teeth just yesterday.  Dave Ramsey calls it the powdered bum syndrome... once you've powdered their bum, you don't want to listen to what they have to say.

Let me illustrate my point.  When I was 18, I was thrilled to be graduating.  I was finally going to be an adult!  I had always preferred adult company.  Graduation meant I finally could join their ranks.  It was my graduation party.  I had the certificate in my hand proclaiming my entrance into adulthood.  MY party!  Where everyone was congratulating me for becoming an adult.  Joyful in my success, I approached a table where two older people were talking and sat down... or started to sit down.  The older woman turned to me and said, rather angrily, "Do you mind?  We're having an adult conversation here."

Are you still wondering why children feel the need to go elsewhere as adults?

One more story, then I'm done.  When I was 28, I came back after being in another state for a year.  I was given a job teaching in the church school under a principal that had not been in the church when I was a child.  She would ask what I thought about certain situations, and when I told her, SHE LISTENED!!!  I was flabergasted.  She actually acted like what I said mattered, and was something to be considered.  I wish I could put you in my heart so you could feel what these two examples did to my emotions.

I would like to say that emotions do not matter, but they do.  God, for whatever reason, made us to be emotional people.  Please don't forget that when raising up young people.

In closing, I want to point out that causing separation will not win your children's hearts.  We need to be looking for ways to bind them to us, if we want them to stay, or even come back for visits.  They need to be integrated into our world, or they will leave, and find their own world.

Teach them well, lay the foundations in their lives, and then make them a part of your life.  Not a distraction, not an obligation, but a real, living, equal value, integral part of your life.

Let them cease to be your children and become your brothers in sisters in the Lord.

God Bless,

Julie Streit