The Promise

After that first experience, where I learned that my husband really IS my head, I started studying the Bible, researching, trying to find what my place really is. It has been eight years, and I think I am finally ready to start sharing what I have learned. The first lesson I would like to pass on to others is the promise. I've never heard anyone else call it that, but the more I try to live what I learn, the more I see that the very first promise in the Bible is almost completely ignored - or tossed off as a nice saying for a wedding service.

Genesis 2:24 "For this cause shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife, and they twain shall become one flesh."

That's a promise. One that has been ignored or misunderstood, and in modern times and from what I see throughout history, only obtained by accident. What does it mean?



Any single living unit is made up of different parts working together for a common purpose. If we want to be one with our mates, we need to learn which part we are and function accordingly. The Bible is very clear about what the man is to be, and what the woman is to be. Unfortunately, it seems that everyone focuses on what the man is, gets it wrong, and completely ignores what the woman is. For this post, I'm going to start with the man's position, and how it relates to me (although I am finding that there is no way for one to function properly without the other falling into place).

I Corinthians 11:3 "But I would have you know, brethren, that the head of every man is Christ, the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God."

I am beginning to think this is the most abused and poorly understood scripture in the Bible. Let me give you an example:

There is a couple, whom I love dearly, who have been married for nearly 50 years. The husband is always gleefully embarking on some project or other - always busy, always totally focused on his latest adventure. The wife is completely obedient to whatever he decides to do. She does his laundry, cooks his meals, and patiently endures whatever project he's currently involved in. She does what she must as the dutiful wife - then goes and lives her life. Separately. She has her own projects, her own friends, her own amusements. They live together; they are fond of and comfortable with each other; but they are more roommates than heartmates. He embarks on his projects, and comes in for meals - often leaving for hours at a time without even telling her he's left. She puts up with him when he asks something of her and ignores him otherwise. Yet, according to fundamentalist teachings, she is technically an obedient wife. She believes that he is her head. Looking at their relationship, any woman with half a backbone might say, "I don't want any man to be my head!" I understand their disdain, but I contend that not only is he NOT her head, but also that she has totally abdicated her function - as his heart.

Let me explain: when I started letting David be responsible for the finances in our house, that meant I quit fighting with him over how he would bring in income. I let him decide how to support the family. I let him take point, to use a military term. In return, he relaxed and turned the allocation of funds over to me. We now discuss what needs to be spent, then he makes the money, and I put it where it needs to go. If we don't have enough, I let him know what we need, and we either do not spend in a certain area, or he finds a way to bring in more funds. He is the head financially, but he does not do it all himself. I am the heart. I take care of the inner details. When both of us are working at it together, we reach our financial goals much more smoothly and easily. Instead of two people each striving to reach their own goals and fighting each other to get their piece, we have two people striving to reach an agreed goal and reinforcing each other - and getting peace.

The couple in the above story are living two completely separate lives. She may obey him, but she is not a part of anything he does. Since she has made it clear that she does not want to be a part of anything he does, he does not confide in her, he does not value her input, and she is not his heart. His heart is in his projects. She has not let him be her head. She does not care how he thinks, she has not let him take point on the path they are on. The result is that they are following separate paths. For him to be her head, she has to be more than obedient. She must not only follow his lead, but also help him to reach his goals. After all, why was a woman created? She was created to be his "help meet". (Something women should think about BEFORE they get married.)

Another couple I know, also married for around 50 years, have found a way to tap in to this promise through a word of advice given when they were first married. I don't remember the exact words, but the advice went something like this: "Whatever path you're on, make sure you are walking it together." They have followed this advice. One would never consider her an abused, put down, pitiful woman. She does not fearfully ask his permission to do anything that I've observed. She does things with him and without him. Yet he is always a part of her world, and she is a part of his. They enjoy each other. They don't think about who is in charge. They simply walk their road of life together, hand in hand. She lets him take point, and he makes sure she is protected and cared for. They work together, and, without even thinking about it, become more and more one with each passing year. A simple, sweet fulfillment of the promise of God. May I have the grace to someday obtain the same.



Jules

The Beginning

My journey began 7 years ago when my second son was a year old. We were having financial difficulties: paying rent and utilities - barely - but completely unable to pay on old debts. I was advised to get a job to make up the difference and leave my husband if he couldn't take care of us properly. Somehow, I just couldn't look into the eyes of my two little boys who adored their daddy, and tell them they couldn't be with him because he didn't make enough money to suit me. I did, however, obediently try to find a way to make money myself.

So began 6 months of hell. My dishonor toward my husband and feelings of financial superiority ruined the joy of our home. To make things worse, every time I found a way to make money of my own, David's sources of income completely dried up and we were worse off than when I wasn't earning money.

Then came the straw that broke the rebellious wife's back. While my husband was completely unable to work for a month due to surgery, I turned up pregnant. It wasn't planned. It was, however, the end of any possibility of me going to work. Child care with three kids under 5 would completely eat up anything I would be able to make. I completely surrendered and said, "Ok, Lord, it's David's job to provide for this family. If our credit is ruined; if our lights get shut off; if we have to live on the streets; that's his responsibility. Not mine. My job is to take care of my husband, my home and my family. I can't do any more than that."

I couldn't believe what happened next.

For the first time in over a year, I felt completely at peace. I felt joy enter my heart. I felt like someone had set the reset button on my heart. I felt hope. Not only that, but during that month when it was impossible for David to work, we were able to sell two pianos and pay all our bills. It was three years before we had another monetary problem, and we have never had a run of poor income as bad as we had for those 6 months and the 3 months prior.

From this I learned two important lessons: First (and there's people who won't like this!), my husband, not my pastor, is my head. (Yes, it was my pastor I was trying to obey when I tried to get my own job.) Second, there is definitely a dividing line between my responsibilities and my husband's. While this is different for each couple, I would like, in these posts, to explore where the Bible draws the line.

A Question:

When God created Adam, He made him complete and self-sufficient. But then He decided it was NOT good that man should be alone. It is the first time in the Bible that God says anything is not good. So God made a woman. God could have made another complete, self-sufficient being to keep man company. But He didn't. Instead, He made man incomplete, made a woman who was also incomplete, and then decreed that the two should come together to be complete. Which leads me to my question: Why did God make women different? What does He expect of me BECAUSE of that difference? I am surrounded by women who want to be men. They want the same tasks, the same responsibilities. Christian women say, "There is no male and female in the Lord." Maybe in terms of salvation. However, if that is really true, why did God make us different?