Singles

Okay, this is an odd one. Be forewarned, you may disagree with some of my thoughts. My thoughts are neither Bible nor the voice of God. Check them out with the scriptures yourself and feel free to discard what doesn't line up... but please remember I am still on a journey, and still learning.


The church where I grew up had a dormitory where many singles lived. It wasn't planned, we just happened upon a cheap piece of property when looking for a place to build our church building. The dorm happened to be on the property and seemed a good place for single people to live. My family lived right next to the property when I was growing up and I loved prowling around the grounds and attending various functions on the campus. I even lived there for a year or so before I married. Bro. Baxter saw the dorm as an excellent place to show hospitality and to promote fellowship within the church family. It did work that way at first, but as time went on and young, outgoing singles turned into old maids and bachelors, the residents of the dorm quit engaging in hospitality and tended to retreat to their cells. The dormitory became more like a cloister than a dorm.

Thinking about it, the term "dormitory" implies someplace temporary, like a college campus or a campground. It worked that way for me, and several other young people. However, attitudes changed when it became a permanent residence for people. Looking back, it seems that the building, while providing a safe place for single women, also discouraged women (not so much men) from reaching for their full potential in God.

What do I mean by that?

It all goes back to creation. Woman was created because man needed her. Gen. 2:



18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.



Men seem to know that they should not be alone, and from this woman's perspective, are not fully content single, although they may accept singleness as the Lord's will. Women, on the other hand, take this scripture and say, "Men may need women, but I don't need anyone!" (Our feminist culture has ensured that we think this way.)

The fact is, women DO need men. We need them for protection, and for direction, if not for provision.

What happened in the dorm? Single women were kept safe and protected by the building and the men who lived there (on a completely separate floor, by the way); and when their emotions got the better of them and they needed direction, Bro. Baxter's door was always open. In essence, he unintentionally took the place of a husband - without the joining and the fulfilling purpose of a marriage. A little bit like the scripture found in Isaiah 4:1



And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach.



Ouch. We did not recognize this attitude at the time. Nor do I think it was true of those who married. However, many of the women who stayed in the dorm became ultra-independent and developed extremely negative attitudes toward marriage and men. For example, at a bridal shower recently we were being asked to give advice on marriage to the soon-to-be bride. One of these women said simply, "Don't do it". Followed by a barrage of negative comments on men and marriage and the benefits of remaining single. Yes, she may have held these views before she lived in the dorm, but the dorm life did nothing to encourage a more positive viewpoint.

By the time the church exploded and the dorm essentially closed down 30 years later, there was a plethera of single women, most in their 40's and 50's, and none with any desire to change their status.

Some of these women will never marry because that is God's will, but some of them will never marry because they have decided they don't need a man, and do not understand the very purpose for which they were created. They have never been taught these things (I never was), and have, in fact, been taught that they can serve the Lord much better as a single. (Seed on good ground brought forth fruit, some thirty some sixty, some an hundredfold... singles bring forth the hundredfold, but couples can only do sixty, and those poor idiots with children, only produce thirtyfold in fruit to the Lord)

Where do we get such ideas?

Try I Cor. 7



34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.



i.e. The distraction of a wife and children or husband and children, as the case may be. It is right there in the Bible. Family is bad, a distraction from serving the Lord. Paul said so. How many children have been lost from the family of God because preacher dad wanted to prove that he did not care for the things of the world and would not allow himself to be "distracted" by his children? It's not dad's fault, he was just trying to be like Paul. Unfortunately, the result has been that the very term "preacher's kid" is synonymous with a rebellious spirit and a wild lifestyle.

As for the single women of my church family (I can't speak for others), many of them took this seriously and would not even look for a husband, firmly believing they could not fully serve God if they were married.

Oh, Paul. Did you have any idea how much trouble you were causing with that one little chapter? How many thousands of men and women would hide themselves away from the world and ignore completely the purpose of their creation so that they could "better serve the Lord"? How many "preacher's kids" would be lost to sin because their fathers deemed them a "distraction"?

It is interesting that our whole attitude on marriage comes from I Cor. 7... a chapter written by a man who had no real understanding of marriage and who confesses he is speaking by permission and not by commandment.



6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.



There you have it. Marriage is for people who cannot contain themselves.


But that is not what the rest of the Bible says. Should we discount the entire body of scripture on men and women based on one chapter? Man did not ordain marriage. God did. Right from the beginning, from the creation of the first man and the first woman: Before a man had a father and mother, he was told to leave his father and mother and become one flesh with his wife. This union is so important that Paul (the same Paul who wrote 1 Cor 7) later wrote to Timothy (I Tim. 4) that to forbid this union, a person must



1 ...depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;

2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

3 Forbidding to marry, ...



"Oh, this scripture doesn't mean you are supposed to get married, just that you shouldn't forbid it."


Really? If marriage is unimportant, why is the language so strong?


Don't get me wrong, there are people, like Paul, whom God has called to be single.  However, before we start thinking that this is the optimal state for a Christian, we need to remember a few things.


First, I Cor. 7 was written in direct response to a question from the church in Corinth... and we don't know what the question was, but we do see unmarried Paul uncomfortably answering questions that concern the physical side of marriage. It makes one wonder if our interpretation of those verses might be different if we knew the original question.


Second, God never does anything without a reason. He could have made us unisex, but he chose to make men and women completely different from each other. On purpose. Intentionally. We don't think alike, yet we are supposed to become one. Why?


Because something happens when those opposites merge. We were not created as whole creatures. Adam was, but when God created Eve, He divided something that was whole. As an individual, I am only half a being in God's eyes. God can use me, but to reach my full potential, I truly do need my other half.


Why? Because only when we are joined together can we produce godly seed. Any male and female can produce seed. But God wants a godly seed. He wants His glory to fill the earth. (See my blog Why Are We Here?) He wants the earth to be filled with people who serve and love him.


After 16 years of marriage, I've noticed something interesting. The differences in David and I are like puzzle pieces coming together. We do not fit, we are not on the same page, we "discuss", we don't fit, we get frustrated, we "discuss"... repeat, repeat, re...HEY! WE FIT! How did that happen? Not only have our differences suddenly come together, but they came together to form something better than what we had before. A clearer picture of what Jesus is forming in our lives.


The process is, at times, excruciating. No wonder the elders were told to have only one wife! Yet, the strength and beauty that is created as each piece is put together cannot be duplicated any other way. As a woman, I can only have half a picture. Other women can help me focus my half of the picture, but only MY man can supply the other half.


Yes, I put "MY" in caps on purpose. To try fitting my pieces with another man's is to try becoming one in thought with another man... I call that spiritual adultery. (see my blog Should Women Be Silent?). The problem with uniting my thoughts with some other man's is that he may not see it the way my husband does. Not only am I fitting with another, but my doing so would then create a wedge between myself and the man God gave me. A clear violation of Matthew 19:6


Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.


What does this say to single women? It says that when they are following another woman's man, and trying to fit their thought patterns to his, they are, in essence, coming between that man and his wife. Also, they are providing for themselves (eating their own bread), subject to no one but themselves (wearing their own apparel), yet proclaiming themselves subject to their pastor, being named as one of his sheep, so that they appear holy and submissive (being called by his name to take away their reproach). (This is dangerous for both single and married women. For example, I was at one time told to obey my pastor, rather than my husband, and a friend was told to leave her husband because, "I can save you, but there's no hope for him." Praise the Lord for His mercy, we both chose to join ourselves to our husbands instead of to another man!) Therefore, back to I Cor. 7



2 Nevertheless, to avoid (spiritual) fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.



Yes, I added the "spiritual". We need to be careful, married or single, not to join our spirits with one to whom we are not married.


Once again, I do understand: some are truly called to be single. God can grant these the grace to follow Him, and not be joined to another, naturally or spiritually. If this is you, then, like Paul, God may have a specific purpose for your life. I only ask that you consider... are you willing to be part of a larger union if that is what God wants for you?


Let your heart be open. Seek the Lord's will. Repent, if your heart is hard and your attitude rebellious. Then... leave it in the Lord's hands. He will provide exactly what you need.



Love in Christ,

Jules