Growing Together - It Takes Two

"You know, Julie, when the Bible says to 'obey your husband', it is not referring to husbands who are not following the Lord."

Really?  Whoopee!  I'm off the hook.  Every time I disagree, I'll just decide my husband is not following the Lord!

I Peter 3:1-2*

3 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

Oops.  There went that excuse. Sigh.

Bombarded on every side by independent, worldly thinking, it is incredibly easy to buy into "Christian" feminism: "Only God has the right to tell me what to do!" (Completely ignoring the above scripture.)

However, experience has taught me that God knew what He was doing when He created men to be the head - and women to be the heart in our "becoming one" experience.

Several years ago, the church I had always attended went through a spiritual war.  My husband quietly quit going.  He never asked me to stop, but the Lord convicted me.  If I was going to truly submit and show the reverence the Bible asks of me, I had to let him take the lead.  I reluctantly told my husband I would not go unless he did.  He sighed as if a deep weight had fallen off his shoulders.

I thought he was wrong.  My family thought he was wrong.  The members of the church thought he was wrong.

A year later, a large group split off that church and formed a home church group.  These people had been so badly abused by the controlling new pastor, that my husband and I saw them as a spiritual ICU.

Following my husband, as painful as I thought it was at the time, had actually spared me an incredible amount of emotional injury.

Bringing it home, when was the last time you asked your husband if there was something you could do to please him?  Something he is reluctant to mention?  Ask him why he feels that way.  You may be surprised by his answer, as I have often been.  Once I know what he is thinking, it is often easier for me to yield...or at least have a direction - a discussion starter.

I could stop here, but it seems this is where everyone stops...at the husband's headship. However, the text does not stop here.  While reminding the ladies that the husband is their head, the following verses remind the gentlemen that their wives, their heart, needs something from them as well.

I Peter 3:7

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

If I could meddle just a bit more?  Husbands, please understand that your wife is an emotional creature. These emotions keep her soft toward you and your children.  They can also make her vulnerable to hurt and deception; easily lured by her love and desire to show mercy.

Once we left the church of my youth, I was lost.  My husband would have been content to build a wall around our home and never leave; completely willing for us to serve God in isolation.  However, understanding me, he saw that I desperately needed the support of other Christians.  We had no idea where to go, but it was up to him to take the lead.  As I bounced in my emotions from group to group, David was our stabilizer.  He kept us moving until we found a place our family could really fit.

If I were to ask one thing of husbands, it would be that they ask their wives what they need for comfort and strength during the hard times.  Women often hide their hurts, and you will either not know, or think they are just in a bad mood.  Sometimes all they need is a weekly coffee date.  A time when they know you will listen, and not write off their concerns as unimportant.

Why bother?

I Peter 3:7b

...so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Matthew 18:19-20

19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.

Is there some struggle in your spirit that you have been enduring silently?  Ask God for wisdom and guidance to bring you agreement on the subject.  It may be easier than you think.

The past seven years have been a difficult journey. It has been made easier because, after talking things through, we found ourselves in agreement on many of the struggles we faced.  Often one of us would feel we should take a certain path and be hesitant to mention it - only to find the other was thinking the same thing.

God gave us a promise that two would become one. Like many of His promises it is a process and requires time and discipline to see it fulfilled.

Hebrews 12:11

11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We, as men and women, have been created completely differently.  It is God's delight to take our differences and weave them into a cohesive whole.  The fruit is worth the growing pains.

God Bless,

Jules




*Normally, I use the King James Version.  However, in this case the ESV states things a bit more clearly.  How can you have a conversation without a word?

I Do! or Do I?

"As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two."  Thomas Adams

Had an interesting experience at the doctor's office the other day. The doctor looked at us and said, "You guys are amazing.  In all my years of practice, I have never seen a couple go through all the things you've been through and still be together."

What?  Seriously?  People leave their spouses when they're sick?  Trust me, that particular day I was not feeling warm gushies, nor did I feel amazing, but neither had I any thought of leaving.  The doctor has no idea the storms David and I have weathered together, and he expected me to leave him over illness?  On the one hand, I appreciated the compliment.  On the other, I was aghast.

At first, such a statement did not make any sense to me.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I saw why there might be a problem.  Our vows read: "For richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, to death do us part."  The problem is that "in sickness" leads to "for poorer" which, of course, creates "for worse".  Throw in a healthy rival, and we have a perfect soup for sin.  Usually with our friends cheering us on... "You shouldn't have to put up with that!"  or "You've done enough, give yourself a break".

I'm going to let you in on a little secret:  The negatives are included in the vows because negatives happen!  They do.  Know what else?  They are hard.  Yet it is the negatives that build us together and strengthen our bond with one another.

I confess to having little mercy toward many people who choose divorce. Yes, some couples have legitimate problems, but more often these are the excuses I hear (granting that I am not usually privy to any other details):  "We got married because we were friends, but I don't really love him.  I need to find someone who is my 'soul mate'." Sweetheart, it's the friendship that gets you through the tough times. Or there's this excuse: "We just grew apart." Fine, grow back together.  Another one? "I don't have feelings for them anymore."  I've got news for you:  Warm gushies come and go.  Love is a verb... sometimes you have to make it happen.

I'm beginning to wonder if the real problem with many of these couples is that they did not face enough problems.  If they did not have enough times when they had only each other...times when they desperately needed to pull together. David and I were thrown some hurdles our first year that truly cemented us together, for better or for worse.  We were three thousand miles from family and only had each other.  The truth is, choosing to stay together and work things out when you do not want to brings you through your situation with a deeper love, appreciation, and commitment to each other.  Do you really want to have to start all over again with someone else?

I know there are times when you feel like you are just "done".  You want the struggle to be over. You want to just get in your car and drive away... and not come back. Sometimes I feel that way, too.  (I confess to being particularly judgmental during those times..."If I have to do it, so should you.")

Do you know how you get through these times?  You don't allow yourself another option. And you hold with everything you've got to the God before whom you made those vows. In the midst of these trials, remember that God is in control. There is something He wants to build in your life through all the circumstances that come your way.  He takes pleasure in taking the impossible and turning it to His glory.

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (I Corinthians 10:13)

Here's another one:

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6)


Finally, Galatians 6:

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

"Integrity is keeping your commitments after the circumstances under which you made that commitment have changed."  David Jeremiah (Twitter) (Isn't that a cool name?)

What does this look like in real life?  Let me share a story.

A dear sister of mine, (let's call her Lynn, as I'm not sure she wants this publicized), had the circumstances under which she wed change dramatically.  She married a good, solid, hard-working, God-fearing man.  Then, after more than 20 years, something happened to him.  He had an illness that affected his mind as well as his body.  He became less and less able to do the things he needed to do, eventually losing his job, as he was unable to work.  This went on for at least two years, possibly longer.

Lynn had to pick up the pieces and keep things going during this time.  She took on odd jobs, did a lot of house cleaning, etc., encouraged and supported her husband in every way she could.  She had every reason to complain.  Every excuse to say, "Enough, I'm done." She never did.  She set her shoulder to the wheel and kept going.  I never saw her without a cheerful attitude.  Even more amazing, she had begun homeschooling her daughter before all this started.  Her boys had both graduated from a Christian school in the area, and turned out fine.  Her daughter had fallen behind and needed extra help, thus the homeschooling. With all that was happening, Lynn had every reason to give up on homeschooling and send "Gail" back to the Christian school.  She chose not to.  She kept her commitment to her daughter as well as to her husband.

Last summer, things took a turn for the worse, as they received a foreclosure notice on their house. Perfect time to nail her husband's hide to the wall and finally get angry.  Not Lynn.  I was in town at the time.  When I heard the news, I showed up at her door, rolled up my sleeves and said, "What do you want me to do?"

Her answer?  "Nothing.  God is going to take care of us."

Poor Lynn.  She was swimming in "de Nile".  Then her husband had a dream.  I don't remember exactly what it was, but the general message was, "This is almost over.  I am going to heal you."

Three months later, her husband, doing much better, had started up his own business. His business was doing so well, Lynn had to learn to do the billing.  Her husband didn't have time.  He had done the work, but not been paid, when the foreclosure came due.  A generous friend helped them get paid up on their house, and they were able to keep it.

God did take care of them.

What a testimony they now have!  What a bond have they now formed!

How has God taken tragedy and worked it for His Glory!

The best part?  Neither is off by themselves, alone and hurting.  They have each other, and they are more one than ever before.

Dear wife and mother, I know it is hard.  I know you have frustrations.  I know you wish your man would do this, that, or the other thing.  I also know he sometimes feels the same toward you.  But remember our God has a purpose in all of this.  He put you together for a reason.  He plans to bring glory from your union.

Let Him.

Mark 10:

7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

God Bless,

Jules

Singles

Okay, this is an odd one. Be forewarned, you may disagree with some of my thoughts. My thoughts are neither Bible nor the voice of God. Check them out with the scriptures yourself and feel free to discard what doesn't line up... but please remember I am still on a journey, and still learning.


The church where I grew up had a dormitory where many singles lived. It wasn't planned, we just happened upon a cheap piece of property when looking for a place to build our church building. The dorm happened to be on the property and seemed a good place for single people to live. My family lived right next to the property when I was growing up and I loved prowling around the grounds and attending various functions on the campus. I even lived there for a year or so before I married. Bro. Baxter saw the dorm as an excellent place to show hospitality and to promote fellowship within the church family. It did work that way at first, but as time went on and young, outgoing singles turned into old maids and bachelors, the residents of the dorm quit engaging in hospitality and tended to retreat to their cells. The dormitory became more like a cloister than a dorm.

Thinking about it, the term "dormitory" implies someplace temporary, like a college campus or a campground. It worked that way for me, and several other young people. However, attitudes changed when it became a permanent residence for people. Looking back, it seems that the building, while providing a safe place for single women, also discouraged women (not so much men) from reaching for their full potential in God.

What do I mean by that?

It all goes back to creation. Woman was created because man needed her. Gen. 2:



18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.



Men seem to know that they should not be alone, and from this woman's perspective, are not fully content single, although they may accept singleness as the Lord's will. Women, on the other hand, take this scripture and say, "Men may need women, but I don't need anyone!" (Our feminist culture has ensured that we think this way.)

The fact is, women DO need men. We need them for protection, and for direction, if not for provision.

What happened in the dorm? Single women were kept safe and protected by the building and the men who lived there (on a completely separate floor, by the way); and when their emotions got the better of them and they needed direction, Bro. Baxter's door was always open. In essence, he unintentionally took the place of a husband - without the joining and the fulfilling purpose of a marriage. A little bit like the scripture found in Isaiah 4:1



And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach.



Ouch. We did not recognize this attitude at the time. Nor do I think it was true of those who married. However, many of the women who stayed in the dorm became ultra-independent and developed extremely negative attitudes toward marriage and men. For example, at a bridal shower recently we were being asked to give advice on marriage to the soon-to-be bride. One of these women said simply, "Don't do it". Followed by a barrage of negative comments on men and marriage and the benefits of remaining single. Yes, she may have held these views before she lived in the dorm, but the dorm life did nothing to encourage a more positive viewpoint.

By the time the church exploded and the dorm essentially closed down 30 years later, there was a plethera of single women, most in their 40's and 50's, and none with any desire to change their status.

Some of these women will never marry because that is God's will, but some of them will never marry because they have decided they don't need a man, and do not understand the very purpose for which they were created. They have never been taught these things (I never was), and have, in fact, been taught that they can serve the Lord much better as a single. (Seed on good ground brought forth fruit, some thirty some sixty, some an hundredfold... singles bring forth the hundredfold, but couples can only do sixty, and those poor idiots with children, only produce thirtyfold in fruit to the Lord)

Where do we get such ideas?

Try I Cor. 7



34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.



i.e. The distraction of a wife and children or husband and children, as the case may be. It is right there in the Bible. Family is bad, a distraction from serving the Lord. Paul said so. How many children have been lost from the family of God because preacher dad wanted to prove that he did not care for the things of the world and would not allow himself to be "distracted" by his children? It's not dad's fault, he was just trying to be like Paul. Unfortunately, the result has been that the very term "preacher's kid" is synonymous with a rebellious spirit and a wild lifestyle.

As for the single women of my church family (I can't speak for others), many of them took this seriously and would not even look for a husband, firmly believing they could not fully serve God if they were married.

Oh, Paul. Did you have any idea how much trouble you were causing with that one little chapter? How many thousands of men and women would hide themselves away from the world and ignore completely the purpose of their creation so that they could "better serve the Lord"? How many "preacher's kids" would be lost to sin because their fathers deemed them a "distraction"?

It is interesting that our whole attitude on marriage comes from I Cor. 7... a chapter written by a man who had no real understanding of marriage and who confesses he is speaking by permission and not by commandment.



6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.



There you have it. Marriage is for people who cannot contain themselves.


But that is not what the rest of the Bible says. Should we discount the entire body of scripture on men and women based on one chapter? Man did not ordain marriage. God did. Right from the beginning, from the creation of the first man and the first woman: Before a man had a father and mother, he was told to leave his father and mother and become one flesh with his wife. This union is so important that Paul (the same Paul who wrote 1 Cor 7) later wrote to Timothy (I Tim. 4) that to forbid this union, a person must



1 ...depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;

2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

3 Forbidding to marry, ...



"Oh, this scripture doesn't mean you are supposed to get married, just that you shouldn't forbid it."


Really? If marriage is unimportant, why is the language so strong?


Don't get me wrong, there are people, like Paul, whom God has called to be single.  However, before we start thinking that this is the optimal state for a Christian, we need to remember a few things.


First, I Cor. 7 was written in direct response to a question from the church in Corinth... and we don't know what the question was, but we do see unmarried Paul uncomfortably answering questions that concern the physical side of marriage. It makes one wonder if our interpretation of those verses might be different if we knew the original question.


Second, God never does anything without a reason. He could have made us unisex, but he chose to make men and women completely different from each other. On purpose. Intentionally. We don't think alike, yet we are supposed to become one. Why?


Because something happens when those opposites merge. We were not created as whole creatures. Adam was, but when God created Eve, He divided something that was whole. As an individual, I am only half a being in God's eyes. God can use me, but to reach my full potential, I truly do need my other half.


Why? Because only when we are joined together can we produce godly seed. Any male and female can produce seed. But God wants a godly seed. He wants His glory to fill the earth. (See my blog Why Are We Here?) He wants the earth to be filled with people who serve and love him.


After 16 years of marriage, I've noticed something interesting. The differences in David and I are like puzzle pieces coming together. We do not fit, we are not on the same page, we "discuss", we don't fit, we get frustrated, we "discuss"... repeat, repeat, re...HEY! WE FIT! How did that happen? Not only have our differences suddenly come together, but they came together to form something better than what we had before. A clearer picture of what Jesus is forming in our lives.


The process is, at times, excruciating. No wonder the elders were told to have only one wife! Yet, the strength and beauty that is created as each piece is put together cannot be duplicated any other way. As a woman, I can only have half a picture. Other women can help me focus my half of the picture, but only MY man can supply the other half.


Yes, I put "MY" in caps on purpose. To try fitting my pieces with another man's is to try becoming one in thought with another man... I call that spiritual adultery. (see my blog Should Women Be Silent?). The problem with uniting my thoughts with some other man's is that he may not see it the way my husband does. Not only am I fitting with another, but my doing so would then create a wedge between myself and the man God gave me. A clear violation of Matthew 19:6


Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.


What does this say to single women? It says that when they are following another woman's man, and trying to fit their thought patterns to his, they are, in essence, coming between that man and his wife. Also, they are providing for themselves (eating their own bread), subject to no one but themselves (wearing their own apparel), yet proclaiming themselves subject to their pastor, being named as one of his sheep, so that they appear holy and submissive (being called by his name to take away their reproach). (This is dangerous for both single and married women. For example, I was at one time told to obey my pastor, rather than my husband, and a friend was told to leave her husband because, "I can save you, but there's no hope for him." Praise the Lord for His mercy, we both chose to join ourselves to our husbands instead of to another man!) Therefore, back to I Cor. 7



2 Nevertheless, to avoid (spiritual) fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.



Yes, I added the "spiritual". We need to be careful, married or single, not to join our spirits with one to whom we are not married.


Once again, I do understand: some are truly called to be single. God can grant these the grace to follow Him, and not be joined to another, naturally or spiritually. If this is you, then, like Paul, God may have a specific purpose for your life. I only ask that you consider... are you willing to be part of a larger union if that is what God wants for you?


Let your heart be open. Seek the Lord's will. Repent, if your heart is hard and your attitude rebellious. Then... leave it in the Lord's hands. He will provide exactly what you need.



Love in Christ,

Jules