Unending Love, Amazing Grace

Darkness.  Black, sticky darkness.

That is what I saw inside.  Every 'i' dotted, every 't' crossed, and all I had was darkness in my soul.  A black tar-pit of sin sucking me down. Jesus did not want me.  How could He? He had given me everything - a functional family, a good father, a lovely mother, the perfect church, an incredible pastor - I had all the teachings, all the tools.  Yet inside was nothing but blackness. Despair swallowed me. I had no desire to even try anymore.

Then I read the scripture, I Corinthians 5:10,

10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad.

My breath caught in my throat.  I was going to have to stand before Jesus, look into His eyes full of love and disappointment and explain to Him why I had failed.  I would literally rather burn in hell than see the look I imagined in the eyes of the one I loved.  "Let me go. Let me die," I prayed, "Just don't let me see my failure in Jesus' eyes."

I staggered into church that Sunday.  I heard them speaking of grace...a grace I did not deserve and had not earned.  A grace I had surely used up long since.

We were setting out the meal when a dear sister asked me how I was...and all I could do was cry. She grabbed another sister and took me off into a corner to pray and talk.

"What's wrong?"

So I told them.  Told them what I had done, how I had failed my Jesus. How He had given me everything, and yet I was faithless. How He could not possibly want me anymore.  How I wanted the flames to burn out all that I hated inside...only don't make me look into the eyes of Jesus.

"Oh, no!" they said, "He's not like that.  It's not that way at all.  He knows you can't do this.  That is why He came...why He died...He is your righteousness."

Then they began pulling out scriptures: I Corinthians 1:30

But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

He is become our righteousness...because our own righteousness was only filthy rags.

"Jesus would not give up on you. Have you read this scripture?"

He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall!  My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. (Lam. 3:16-20)

Wow.  That described exactly how I was feeling.  Who knew such things were in the Bible?  The sister kept reading,

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lam. 3:21-23)

Wait a minute!  I've read my Bible through many times, and I could swear Lamentations 3 does not say that!  I asked her to read it again,

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 

ESV translation, but the words resonated inside of my soul.  A thin beam of light pierced the shell around my being. Could it be true?  Could His steadfast love still apply to me in the midst of all my unbelief?

I began to study grace; books like Romans and Galatians.

The light began to burn a jagged crack down the side of my shell.  I began to "remember my Creator from the days of my youth".  To remember the days when I was young and Jesus was my friend - often my only friend.  I remembered His faithfulness as a teen, through my college years, when my father died.  All the times He had been with me.

I also remembered that I had thought I was pretty close to perfect.

In my darkness, I thought Jesus had left me.  I know now that was a lie.  Jesus was there, every step of the way.  He had only backed away to allow me to see myself.  Because, until you see the blackness of your own soul, you cannot understand what Jesus has saved you from.  Until you have felt the weight of your own sins and broken under that burden and learn that you cannot bear even your own sins, you will never comprehend the incredible weight that Jesus bore when He took not just your sins, but the sins of the whole world upon His shoulders.  Bore them without adding a single sin of His own and then allowed Himself to be killed for them - not accepting relief.  He carried them all the way to the grave and buried them in His own blood so that we can be free.

The crack widens, and my shell begins to split apart, the light flooding my darkness.  I take the blackness in my hands, and I push it under the flow of that blood.  Not my righteousness, not my efforts, but I claim the righteousness of Jesus.

Then the voices start hammering at me:  "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."  I look it up. Philippians 2:12

12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

Yep.  There it is. But, hush, voices. Read the next line, vs. 13

13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

My salvation is of God, not by my own strength.

Ah, but it says we are to wash our robes and make them white.  Grab the fuller's soap and a washboard and get to work.  No, voices.  Read the whole scripture: Revelation 7:14

14 ... And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

It is the blood of the Lamb that makes our robes white, not our own efforts.

Then I hear a story.  A story told by one I love dearly.  He had gotten angry, very angry.  He testified that Jesus had gotten so mad at him for getting angry that He had refused to speak to him for almost a week.  My heart bled for my loved one.  "No, no!" I wanted to say, "He's not like that. He is not a human full of sin and wrath, but the perfect Saviour. Slow to anger and of great mercy. Yes, He sometimes lets us stew in our own juices, but not because He is angry."  The time was not right, and I said nothing, but his story ate at my heart as I reviewed again and again the things I had been learning:

"His mercies are new every morning." (Lam. 3:22) Even if He was angry, He would not have held a grudge.

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy." (Psalm 103:8) The verse uses mercy twice.

"Be ye angry and sin not, let not the sun go down upon your wrath." (Eph. 4:26)  If the Lord expects this of us, does He not live by it Himself?  He is to be our example.

"Beloved, if our heart condemn us, He is greater than our heart and knoweth all things." (I John 3:20) Do you not think the Lord understood your anger and could have compassion?

The story convicted me.  What was the difference between his story and the way I had believed for eight years?

CRACK!!!!

I heard it.  I heard the chains breaking off my soul.  I felt the shell falling away.  I felt wings lifting my soul.

I   WAS  FREE!!!

Not my righteousness, but Christ's.  Not my works, but His grace.  Not because I am worthy or can make myself worthy, but because Jesus is worthy.

My sin does not hold me.  Yes, sometimes I do what I should not.  Yes, I still fail.  But each time I do, I take that sin and shove it under the blood.  And each time, my sin is forgiven.  I feel my heart changing.  I feel my desires changing.  As I look to Jesus, and give all to Jesus again and again, He is doing inside of me what I could never do.

Sometimes every day is a fight, but it is no longer my fight.  I hold to Jesus and let Him do the work.

For the first time, I can say with Paul,

"...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. (II Tim. 1:12)

God Bless,

Jules

A New Reason For Marriage

"You two amaze me.  I've never seen a couple go through as much as you have and still be together."

The words shocked me.  They came from my husband's doctor.  He had no idea what all we had been through.

Oh.  He was talking about David's health.  My mind flashed back to those terrible days when David had pancreatitis.  He was barely conscious most of the time.  Tubes and iv's hooked up everywhere - including one pumping every drop of digestive juice out of his stomach.  His pancreas was trying to digest itself and the doctors were trying to stop it. For six months we were in and out of the hospital. I spent every non-working moment at his side.  I had watched my father die.  I had no illusions that we might be immune to that fate. During this time, a dear friend came to see me.  She, of course, inquired as to David's health, and I explained as well as I could. Then she asked, "But how is your marriage doing?"

My marriage?

My husband was camped out at death's door.  What did she expect from our marriage right then? My mind could not even grapple with the question at that moment. "Fine," I managed to stammer. I had no idea what she was really asking.  "Well, let's see, the intimacy isn't quite what it used to be...and, you know, he hasn't taken me to dinner lately.  I'm feeling sooo neglected!"  Honestly, what kind of question was that?  I still cannot believe that anyone would be so callous as to leave someone they said they loved dying in a hospital because the ill person was not "doing their part" for the marriage.

Are we really that shallow?

Apparently, the answer is yes.  Lisa Jacobson expressed the same shock in her blog "The Power of Grace To Hold Your Marriage Together".  She had born a daughter with severe health problems and was told, "Most parents who give birth to this kind of child end up in divorce."  Really?  Not in her world! (If you have not read this blog, you should.)

Is it that Americans are too self-absorbed to hold a marriage together?  Or is it that this God-given institution is under direct attack?

"We aren't in love anymore."

"We have nothing in common.  We need a divorce so we can find a relationship that is more fulfilling."

I have seen hobbies destroy relationships as the spouse involved spends more time with the hobby than with the person to whom they have pledged their life.

I have seen young couples ripped apart by disapproving family members who attack every chink they can find in the marital armour.

Then we hear from Heidi St. John that the disease is hitting the blogging community.  In her recent post, "Gird Up! Christian Blogging Moms Under Pressure", she sends out a warning.  Women who have encouraged others in their marriages are suddenly having problems of their own in that same area.

Let's face it: Times are hard.  We see the pressure all around: Financial pressures; social media pressures; illnesses; deaths.  Instead of turning toward each other, couples are retreating into themselves and whatever distraction can keep them occupied and thinking of something besides their real problems.  Frustration builds, communication lags, kindness is forgotten, harsh words become more common... and marriages are falling apart.

What makes the difference?  Why do some couples become stronger while others fracture?

I received an answer the other day from a good friend, quoting her husband,

"You don’t marry because it’ll bring you good times. You marry because it will sustain you during horrible times."

Suddenly, everything fell into place.  Here is the answer...in a nutshell.

Why did I marry David?  Because when my father was dying in the hospital, David was there for me. We were in Missoula, not at home.  David took me to and from the hospital.  When he was around, my worries lifted; my burden eased. I looked at him on the way back to where I was staying one evening and thought, "I can trust him.  This is the man I am going to marry."

My friend's husband hit the nail on the head.  The one thing I knew about my husband before I married him, was that he would be there during the horrible times.

When we start chasing the "good times", it is easy to become discontented with both our lot and our spouse.  When we instead cling to each other, and help each other through the "horrible times", not only are those horrible times made easier, but our relationships are made stronger. We find ourselves more contented with our lot...even if it is not the one we would have chosen.

Thank-you, my friend, for sharing that quote with me.  You reminded me of things I had forgotten.

I think I'll go love on my husband now.

Blessings,

Jules