A New Reason For Marriage

"You two amaze me.  I've never seen a couple go through as much as you have and still be together."

The words shocked me.  They came from my husband's doctor.  He had no idea what all we had been through.

Oh.  He was talking about David's health.  My mind flashed back to those terrible days when David had pancreatitis.  He was barely conscious most of the time.  Tubes and iv's hooked up everywhere - including one pumping every drop of digestive juice out of his stomach.  His pancreas was trying to digest itself and the doctors were trying to stop it. For six months we were in and out of the hospital. I spent every non-working moment at his side.  I had watched my father die.  I had no illusions that we might be immune to that fate. During this time, a dear friend came to see me.  She, of course, inquired as to David's health, and I explained as well as I could. Then she asked, "But how is your marriage doing?"

My marriage?

My husband was camped out at death's door.  What did she expect from our marriage right then? My mind could not even grapple with the question at that moment. "Fine," I managed to stammer. I had no idea what she was really asking.  "Well, let's see, the intimacy isn't quite what it used to be...and, you know, he hasn't taken me to dinner lately.  I'm feeling sooo neglected!"  Honestly, what kind of question was that?  I still cannot believe that anyone would be so callous as to leave someone they said they loved dying in a hospital because the ill person was not "doing their part" for the marriage.

Are we really that shallow?

Apparently, the answer is yes.  Lisa Jacobson expressed the same shock in her blog "The Power of Grace To Hold Your Marriage Together".  She had born a daughter with severe health problems and was told, "Most parents who give birth to this kind of child end up in divorce."  Really?  Not in her world! (If you have not read this blog, you should.)

Is it that Americans are too self-absorbed to hold a marriage together?  Or is it that this God-given institution is under direct attack?

"We aren't in love anymore."

"We have nothing in common.  We need a divorce so we can find a relationship that is more fulfilling."

I have seen hobbies destroy relationships as the spouse involved spends more time with the hobby than with the person to whom they have pledged their life.

I have seen young couples ripped apart by disapproving family members who attack every chink they can find in the marital armour.

Then we hear from Heidi St. John that the disease is hitting the blogging community.  In her recent post, "Gird Up! Christian Blogging Moms Under Pressure", she sends out a warning.  Women who have encouraged others in their marriages are suddenly having problems of their own in that same area.

Let's face it: Times are hard.  We see the pressure all around: Financial pressures; social media pressures; illnesses; deaths.  Instead of turning toward each other, couples are retreating into themselves and whatever distraction can keep them occupied and thinking of something besides their real problems.  Frustration builds, communication lags, kindness is forgotten, harsh words become more common... and marriages are falling apart.

What makes the difference?  Why do some couples become stronger while others fracture?

I received an answer the other day from a good friend, quoting her husband,

"You don’t marry because it’ll bring you good times. You marry because it will sustain you during horrible times."

Suddenly, everything fell into place.  Here is the answer...in a nutshell.

Why did I marry David?  Because when my father was dying in the hospital, David was there for me. We were in Missoula, not at home.  David took me to and from the hospital.  When he was around, my worries lifted; my burden eased. I looked at him on the way back to where I was staying one evening and thought, "I can trust him.  This is the man I am going to marry."

My friend's husband hit the nail on the head.  The one thing I knew about my husband before I married him, was that he would be there during the horrible times.

When we start chasing the "good times", it is easy to become discontented with both our lot and our spouse.  When we instead cling to each other, and help each other through the "horrible times", not only are those horrible times made easier, but our relationships are made stronger. We find ourselves more contented with our lot...even if it is not the one we would have chosen.

Thank-you, my friend, for sharing that quote with me.  You reminded me of things I had forgotten.

I think I'll go love on my husband now.

Blessings,

Jules

Growing Together - It Takes Two

"You know, Julie, when the Bible says to 'obey your husband', it is not referring to husbands who are not following the Lord."

Really?  Whoopee!  I'm off the hook.  Every time I disagree, I'll just decide my husband is not following the Lord!

I Peter 3:1-2*

3 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

Oops.  There went that excuse. Sigh.

Bombarded on every side by independent, worldly thinking, it is incredibly easy to buy into "Christian" feminism: "Only God has the right to tell me what to do!" (Completely ignoring the above scripture.)

However, experience has taught me that God knew what He was doing when He created men to be the head - and women to be the heart in our "becoming one" experience.

Several years ago, the church I had always attended went through a spiritual war.  My husband quietly quit going.  He never asked me to stop, but the Lord convicted me.  If I was going to truly submit and show the reverence the Bible asks of me, I had to let him take the lead.  I reluctantly told my husband I would not go unless he did.  He sighed as if a deep weight had fallen off his shoulders.

I thought he was wrong.  My family thought he was wrong.  The members of the church thought he was wrong.

A year later, a large group split off that church and formed a home church group.  These people had been so badly abused by the controlling new pastor, that my husband and I saw them as a spiritual ICU.

Following my husband, as painful as I thought it was at the time, had actually spared me an incredible amount of emotional injury.

Bringing it home, when was the last time you asked your husband if there was something you could do to please him?  Something he is reluctant to mention?  Ask him why he feels that way.  You may be surprised by his answer, as I have often been.  Once I know what he is thinking, it is often easier for me to yield...or at least have a direction - a discussion starter.

I could stop here, but it seems this is where everyone stops...at the husband's headship. However, the text does not stop here.  While reminding the ladies that the husband is their head, the following verses remind the gentlemen that their wives, their heart, needs something from them as well.

I Peter 3:7

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

If I could meddle just a bit more?  Husbands, please understand that your wife is an emotional creature. These emotions keep her soft toward you and your children.  They can also make her vulnerable to hurt and deception; easily lured by her love and desire to show mercy.

Once we left the church of my youth, I was lost.  My husband would have been content to build a wall around our home and never leave; completely willing for us to serve God in isolation.  However, understanding me, he saw that I desperately needed the support of other Christians.  We had no idea where to go, but it was up to him to take the lead.  As I bounced in my emotions from group to group, David was our stabilizer.  He kept us moving until we found a place our family could really fit.

If I were to ask one thing of husbands, it would be that they ask their wives what they need for comfort and strength during the hard times.  Women often hide their hurts, and you will either not know, or think they are just in a bad mood.  Sometimes all they need is a weekly coffee date.  A time when they know you will listen, and not write off their concerns as unimportant.

Why bother?

I Peter 3:7b

...so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Matthew 18:19-20

19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.

Is there some struggle in your spirit that you have been enduring silently?  Ask God for wisdom and guidance to bring you agreement on the subject.  It may be easier than you think.

The past seven years have been a difficult journey. It has been made easier because, after talking things through, we found ourselves in agreement on many of the struggles we faced.  Often one of us would feel we should take a certain path and be hesitant to mention it - only to find the other was thinking the same thing.

God gave us a promise that two would become one. Like many of His promises it is a process and requires time and discipline to see it fulfilled.

Hebrews 12:11

11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

We, as men and women, have been created completely differently.  It is God's delight to take our differences and weave them into a cohesive whole.  The fruit is worth the growing pains.

God Bless,

Jules




*Normally, I use the King James Version.  However, in this case the ESV states things a bit more clearly.  How can you have a conversation without a word?

I Do! or Do I?

"As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two."  Thomas Adams

Had an interesting experience at the doctor's office the other day. The doctor looked at us and said, "You guys are amazing.  In all my years of practice, I have never seen a couple go through all the things you've been through and still be together."

What?  Seriously?  People leave their spouses when they're sick?  Trust me, that particular day I was not feeling warm gushies, nor did I feel amazing, but neither had I any thought of leaving.  The doctor has no idea the storms David and I have weathered together, and he expected me to leave him over illness?  On the one hand, I appreciated the compliment.  On the other, I was aghast.

At first, such a statement did not make any sense to me.  However, the more I thought about it, the more I saw why there might be a problem.  Our vows read: "For richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, to death do us part."  The problem is that "in sickness" leads to "for poorer" which, of course, creates "for worse".  Throw in a healthy rival, and we have a perfect soup for sin.  Usually with our friends cheering us on... "You shouldn't have to put up with that!"  or "You've done enough, give yourself a break".

I'm going to let you in on a little secret:  The negatives are included in the vows because negatives happen!  They do.  Know what else?  They are hard.  Yet it is the negatives that build us together and strengthen our bond with one another.

I confess to having little mercy toward many people who choose divorce. Yes, some couples have legitimate problems, but more often these are the excuses I hear (granting that I am not usually privy to any other details):  "We got married because we were friends, but I don't really love him.  I need to find someone who is my 'soul mate'." Sweetheart, it's the friendship that gets you through the tough times. Or there's this excuse: "We just grew apart." Fine, grow back together.  Another one? "I don't have feelings for them anymore."  I've got news for you:  Warm gushies come and go.  Love is a verb... sometimes you have to make it happen.

I'm beginning to wonder if the real problem with many of these couples is that they did not face enough problems.  If they did not have enough times when they had only each other...times when they desperately needed to pull together. David and I were thrown some hurdles our first year that truly cemented us together, for better or for worse.  We were three thousand miles from family and only had each other.  The truth is, choosing to stay together and work things out when you do not want to brings you through your situation with a deeper love, appreciation, and commitment to each other.  Do you really want to have to start all over again with someone else?

I know there are times when you feel like you are just "done".  You want the struggle to be over. You want to just get in your car and drive away... and not come back. Sometimes I feel that way, too.  (I confess to being particularly judgmental during those times..."If I have to do it, so should you.")

Do you know how you get through these times?  You don't allow yourself another option. And you hold with everything you've got to the God before whom you made those vows. In the midst of these trials, remember that God is in control. There is something He wants to build in your life through all the circumstances that come your way.  He takes pleasure in taking the impossible and turning it to His glory.

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (I Corinthians 10:13)

Here's another one:

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6)


Finally, Galatians 6:

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

"Integrity is keeping your commitments after the circumstances under which you made that commitment have changed."  David Jeremiah (Twitter) (Isn't that a cool name?)

What does this look like in real life?  Let me share a story.

A dear sister of mine, (let's call her Lynn, as I'm not sure she wants this publicized), had the circumstances under which she wed change dramatically.  She married a good, solid, hard-working, God-fearing man.  Then, after more than 20 years, something happened to him.  He had an illness that affected his mind as well as his body.  He became less and less able to do the things he needed to do, eventually losing his job, as he was unable to work.  This went on for at least two years, possibly longer.

Lynn had to pick up the pieces and keep things going during this time.  She took on odd jobs, did a lot of house cleaning, etc., encouraged and supported her husband in every way she could.  She had every reason to complain.  Every excuse to say, "Enough, I'm done." She never did.  She set her shoulder to the wheel and kept going.  I never saw her without a cheerful attitude.  Even more amazing, she had begun homeschooling her daughter before all this started.  Her boys had both graduated from a Christian school in the area, and turned out fine.  Her daughter had fallen behind and needed extra help, thus the homeschooling. With all that was happening, Lynn had every reason to give up on homeschooling and send "Gail" back to the Christian school.  She chose not to.  She kept her commitment to her daughter as well as to her husband.

Last summer, things took a turn for the worse, as they received a foreclosure notice on their house. Perfect time to nail her husband's hide to the wall and finally get angry.  Not Lynn.  I was in town at the time.  When I heard the news, I showed up at her door, rolled up my sleeves and said, "What do you want me to do?"

Her answer?  "Nothing.  God is going to take care of us."

Poor Lynn.  She was swimming in "de Nile".  Then her husband had a dream.  I don't remember exactly what it was, but the general message was, "This is almost over.  I am going to heal you."

Three months later, her husband, doing much better, had started up his own business. His business was doing so well, Lynn had to learn to do the billing.  Her husband didn't have time.  He had done the work, but not been paid, when the foreclosure came due.  A generous friend helped them get paid up on their house, and they were able to keep it.

God did take care of them.

What a testimony they now have!  What a bond have they now formed!

How has God taken tragedy and worked it for His Glory!

The best part?  Neither is off by themselves, alone and hurting.  They have each other, and they are more one than ever before.

Dear wife and mother, I know it is hard.  I know you have frustrations.  I know you wish your man would do this, that, or the other thing.  I also know he sometimes feels the same toward you.  But remember our God has a purpose in all of this.  He put you together for a reason.  He plans to bring glory from your union.

Let Him.

Mark 10:

7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

God Bless,

Jules