A New Reason For Marriage

"You two amaze me.  I've never seen a couple go through as much as you have and still be together."

The words shocked me.  They came from my husband's doctor.  He had no idea what all we had been through.

Oh.  He was talking about David's health.  My mind flashed back to those terrible days when David had pancreatitis.  He was barely conscious most of the time.  Tubes and iv's hooked up everywhere - including one pumping every drop of digestive juice out of his stomach.  His pancreas was trying to digest itself and the doctors were trying to stop it. For six months we were in and out of the hospital. I spent every non-working moment at his side.  I had watched my father die.  I had no illusions that we might be immune to that fate. During this time, a dear friend came to see me.  She, of course, inquired as to David's health, and I explained as well as I could. Then she asked, "But how is your marriage doing?"

My marriage?

My husband was camped out at death's door.  What did she expect from our marriage right then? My mind could not even grapple with the question at that moment. "Fine," I managed to stammer. I had no idea what she was really asking.  "Well, let's see, the intimacy isn't quite what it used to be...and, you know, he hasn't taken me to dinner lately.  I'm feeling sooo neglected!"  Honestly, what kind of question was that?  I still cannot believe that anyone would be so callous as to leave someone they said they loved dying in a hospital because the ill person was not "doing their part" for the marriage.

Are we really that shallow?

Apparently, the answer is yes.  Lisa Jacobson expressed the same shock in her blog "The Power of Grace To Hold Your Marriage Together".  She had born a daughter with severe health problems and was told, "Most parents who give birth to this kind of child end up in divorce."  Really?  Not in her world! (If you have not read this blog, you should.)

Is it that Americans are too self-absorbed to hold a marriage together?  Or is it that this God-given institution is under direct attack?

"We aren't in love anymore."

"We have nothing in common.  We need a divorce so we can find a relationship that is more fulfilling."

I have seen hobbies destroy relationships as the spouse involved spends more time with the hobby than with the person to whom they have pledged their life.

I have seen young couples ripped apart by disapproving family members who attack every chink they can find in the marital armour.

Then we hear from Heidi St. John that the disease is hitting the blogging community.  In her recent post, "Gird Up! Christian Blogging Moms Under Pressure", she sends out a warning.  Women who have encouraged others in their marriages are suddenly having problems of their own in that same area.

Let's face it: Times are hard.  We see the pressure all around: Financial pressures; social media pressures; illnesses; deaths.  Instead of turning toward each other, couples are retreating into themselves and whatever distraction can keep them occupied and thinking of something besides their real problems.  Frustration builds, communication lags, kindness is forgotten, harsh words become more common... and marriages are falling apart.

What makes the difference?  Why do some couples become stronger while others fracture?

I received an answer the other day from a good friend, quoting her husband,

"You don’t marry because it’ll bring you good times. You marry because it will sustain you during horrible times."

Suddenly, everything fell into place.  Here is the answer...in a nutshell.

Why did I marry David?  Because when my father was dying in the hospital, David was there for me. We were in Missoula, not at home.  David took me to and from the hospital.  When he was around, my worries lifted; my burden eased. I looked at him on the way back to where I was staying one evening and thought, "I can trust him.  This is the man I am going to marry."

My friend's husband hit the nail on the head.  The one thing I knew about my husband before I married him, was that he would be there during the horrible times.

When we start chasing the "good times", it is easy to become discontented with both our lot and our spouse.  When we instead cling to each other, and help each other through the "horrible times", not only are those horrible times made easier, but our relationships are made stronger. We find ourselves more contented with our lot...even if it is not the one we would have chosen.

Thank-you, my friend, for sharing that quote with me.  You reminded me of things I had forgotten.

I think I'll go love on my husband now.

Blessings,

Jules