Baptism

Yes, On Sunday, June 21, 2015, I was baptized in a church completely unrelated to the fellowship where I grew up.

No, I have not lost either my mind or my faith.

Instead, I have learned a completely different Christ than the one I served as a child. Strange term - "learned Christ" - but it comes from the Bible. Interesting verse: Ephesians 4:20

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

Paul is talking about the change from the old man to the new. Backing up to verse 17:

17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,

18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:

Verse 19 lists various sins, then we get to verse 20:

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

I saw that verse for the first time nearly a year ago, and it has haunted me ever since. What does that mean, "Ye have not so learned Christ?" What does it mean to "learn Christ?" I did not know, but it seemed important. I think I am starting to understand it now.

I lived for forty-four years with my understanding darkened, alienated from the life of God, blind in my heart, because I had not learned who Christ was and what His sacrifice meant.

I thought Jesus died just to give us the gift of the Holy Ghost. I thought the Holy Ghost was what was supposed to make me perfect, though I did not know how. I thought Jesus could only use me if I was perfect. I saw Jesus as a righteous judge, sitting on His throne, throwing hardships at me that I had to navigate perfectly or He would send them again and again until I got it right.

I wasn't getting it right. 

I was getting it wrong - again, and again, and again, and again, and again...

Every. Single. Day.

No matter how determined I was when I woke up in the morning, I had failed miserably by the end of the day - usually long before noon.

I spiraled into a pool of miserable blackness, completely unable to wash my robe white - to make myself clean.  I could not wash my sins away. I had learned a Jesus who only paid for my past sins; my present sins were my responsibility.

And I could not bear them.

The trials came fast and furious, and I failed every test. I could not look at myself in the mirror. I became convinced that Jesus could not stand to look at me either. Why should He? I had "learned Christ" from a very young age, I should be able to please Him by now, and I could not.

Broken and bleeding on the inside, I ended up in a doctor's office, getting a prescription that would hopefully keep me from committing suicide, along with an order to get into counseling.

Where could I go?  

There was nothing the fellowship I was raised with could tell me I did not already know. Besides, my former counselor had moved to Illinois. The Portland splits were so angry with each other, I trusted none of them for objective counsel. I certainly could not go to a secular counselor when my despair was based on the belief my God had forsaken me.

Expecting nothing, I reluctantly went to the counseling program at a place called Southwest Hills Baptist Church.

Sitting in that room, hating the questions I was forced to answer, mentally arguing with everything the counselor said, I met Jesus.

A different Jesus whom I had not met before.

Not a cold judge, but a loving Savior.

One who left his majestic glory as King of the universe, and somehow was contained in the body of a tiny helpless babe.  He lived the life of a poor child of questionable birth during a time so barbaric, our Christianized minds shrink back from its brutality. He walked this earth as a human, with all the temptations of humanity thrown at Him from every side, yet He did not sin - even in His thoughts! Because He says in Matthew 5:27-28

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Also, Proverbs 23:7 states, 

 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Even in the most private of His thoughts, Jesus kept Himself pure. 

In over forty years of walking the path of perfection, I have not met one single saint who can make the same claim. I have met many who are as exhausted as I was from trying.

After healing the sick, raising the dead, giving sight to the blind, and endlessly teaching his disciples, He allowed Himself to be offered as a pure, spotless sacrifice for our sins. All of our sins, past, present, and future. Because He knew we would fail, but He did not. There is absolutely nothing we can add to that sacrifice.

Why?

Because the minute we sin, we've disqualified ourselves. The sacrificial lambs had to be without a single blemish to be accepted. As Isaiah 64:6 says,

"But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away."

Fortunately, we don't have to depend on our own righteousness. Christ has become our righteousness. I Corinthians 1:6

"But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:"

All we have to do is believe.  Romans 3:22

"Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe..."

Because Jesus didn't stay in the grave. He rose from the dead and ascended to His Father where He sits, making intercession for us.  Romans 8:34

"Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

Intercession - coming between us and the judgment we deserve. He didn't have to do that. He could have told His Father He was done with us - humanity was not worth it. Instead, I John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Every. Single. Time.

Day after day. As Lamentations 3:21-24 says, 

21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Wow. What a way to learn Christ!

When I finally grasped all of this, when I understood that this beautiful redemption could be for me, it changed everything!

I cannot find words to describe the complete transformation in my life since the day I fully accepted Jesus as the final sacrifice for my every sin. I can only say I am not the same person I was a year ago. I don't even recognize that person as me. My memories of those terrible times are like the story of a stranger.

My despair has changed to hope. My grief has been replaced with peace. My turmoil transformed to trust. My failures eclipsed by His victories.

I know what it means to have the joy of the Lord be my strength. When I remember what His sacrifice did for me, my soul dances and sings and circumstances can't touch me anymore.

I know what it means to have a peace that passes understanding. When I realize He has orchestrated every tiny detail of my life to bring me to where I am today, I have an absolute trust that He is in control of where He wants me to be tomorrow. He has a plan and a purpose and it's for my good!

When I see the enormity of the care He has taken of me these past eight years, I am overwhelmed by His love and His faithfulness.

He is so much bigger than I ever believed He could be, so much nearer than I could ever comprehend, and so much more involved with every aspect of my existence. I can truly say that

"...in him we live, and move, and have our being;" Acts 17:28a

The changes in my mind and heart are so great, I can only say I have been saved. Even though I have served God my entire life, I was only saved last August. Therefore, I needed to be baptized.

It seemed only right to share that moment with the people who taught me the meaning of the word, "grace".

They saved my life.

So, yes, I was baptized at Southwest Hills Baptist Church. I have learned much from them. They are a studious people, hungry for the Word, passionate to share the Gospel, full of the life of the Lord. I love where God has brought me. He has truly done great things.

God Bless,

Jules