Baptism

Yes, On Sunday, June 21, 2015, I was baptized in a church completely unrelated to the fellowship where I grew up.

No, I have not lost either my mind or my faith.

Instead, I have learned a completely different Christ than the one I served as a child. Strange term - "learned Christ" - but it comes from the Bible. Interesting verse: Ephesians 4:20

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

Paul is talking about the change from the old man to the new. Backing up to verse 17:

17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,

18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:

Verse 19 lists various sins, then we get to verse 20:

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

I saw that verse for the first time nearly a year ago, and it has haunted me ever since. What does that mean, "Ye have not so learned Christ?" What does it mean to "learn Christ?" I did not know, but it seemed important. I think I am starting to understand it now.

I lived for forty-four years with my understanding darkened, alienated from the life of God, blind in my heart, because I had not learned who Christ was and what His sacrifice meant.

I thought Jesus died just to give us the gift of the Holy Ghost. I thought the Holy Ghost was what was supposed to make me perfect, though I did not know how. I thought Jesus could only use me if I was perfect. I saw Jesus as a righteous judge, sitting on His throne, throwing hardships at me that I had to navigate perfectly or He would send them again and again until I got it right.

I wasn't getting it right. 

I was getting it wrong - again, and again, and again, and again, and again...

Every. Single. Day.

No matter how determined I was when I woke up in the morning, I had failed miserably by the end of the day - usually long before noon.

I spiraled into a pool of miserable blackness, completely unable to wash my robe white - to make myself clean.  I could not wash my sins away. I had learned a Jesus who only paid for my past sins; my present sins were my responsibility.

And I could not bear them.

The trials came fast and furious, and I failed every test. I could not look at myself in the mirror. I became convinced that Jesus could not stand to look at me either. Why should He? I had "learned Christ" from a very young age, I should be able to please Him by now, and I could not.

Broken and bleeding on the inside, I ended up in a doctor's office, getting a prescription that would hopefully keep me from committing suicide, along with an order to get into counseling.

Where could I go?  

There was nothing the fellowship I was raised with could tell me I did not already know. Besides, my former counselor had moved to Illinois. The Portland splits were so angry with each other, I trusted none of them for objective counsel. I certainly could not go to a secular counselor when my despair was based on the belief my God had forsaken me.

Expecting nothing, I reluctantly went to the counseling program at a place called Southwest Hills Baptist Church.

Sitting in that room, hating the questions I was forced to answer, mentally arguing with everything the counselor said, I met Jesus.

A different Jesus whom I had not met before.

Not a cold judge, but a loving Savior.

One who left his majestic glory as King of the universe, and somehow was contained in the body of a tiny helpless babe.  He lived the life of a poor child of questionable birth during a time so barbaric, our Christianized minds shrink back from its brutality. He walked this earth as a human, with all the temptations of humanity thrown at Him from every side, yet He did not sin - even in His thoughts! Because He says in Matthew 5:27-28

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Also, Proverbs 23:7 states, 

 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Even in the most private of His thoughts, Jesus kept Himself pure. 

In over forty years of walking the path of perfection, I have not met one single saint who can make the same claim. I have met many who are as exhausted as I was from trying.

After healing the sick, raising the dead, giving sight to the blind, and endlessly teaching his disciples, He allowed Himself to be offered as a pure, spotless sacrifice for our sins. All of our sins, past, present, and future. Because He knew we would fail, but He did not. There is absolutely nothing we can add to that sacrifice.

Why?

Because the minute we sin, we've disqualified ourselves. The sacrificial lambs had to be without a single blemish to be accepted. As Isaiah 64:6 says,

"But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away."

Fortunately, we don't have to depend on our own righteousness. Christ has become our righteousness. I Corinthians 1:6

"But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:"

All we have to do is believe.  Romans 3:22

"Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe..."

Because Jesus didn't stay in the grave. He rose from the dead and ascended to His Father where He sits, making intercession for us.  Romans 8:34

"Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

Intercession - coming between us and the judgment we deserve. He didn't have to do that. He could have told His Father He was done with us - humanity was not worth it. Instead, I John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Every. Single. Time.

Day after day. As Lamentations 3:21-24 says, 

21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Wow. What a way to learn Christ!

When I finally grasped all of this, when I understood that this beautiful redemption could be for me, it changed everything!

I cannot find words to describe the complete transformation in my life since the day I fully accepted Jesus as the final sacrifice for my every sin. I can only say I am not the same person I was a year ago. I don't even recognize that person as me. My memories of those terrible times are like the story of a stranger.

My despair has changed to hope. My grief has been replaced with peace. My turmoil transformed to trust. My failures eclipsed by His victories.

I know what it means to have the joy of the Lord be my strength. When I remember what His sacrifice did for me, my soul dances and sings and circumstances can't touch me anymore.

I know what it means to have a peace that passes understanding. When I realize He has orchestrated every tiny detail of my life to bring me to where I am today, I have an absolute trust that He is in control of where He wants me to be tomorrow. He has a plan and a purpose and it's for my good!

When I see the enormity of the care He has taken of me these past eight years, I am overwhelmed by His love and His faithfulness.

He is so much bigger than I ever believed He could be, so much nearer than I could ever comprehend, and so much more involved with every aspect of my existence. I can truly say that

"...in him we live, and move, and have our being;" Acts 17:28a

The changes in my mind and heart are so great, I can only say I have been saved. Even though I have served God my entire life, I was only saved last August. Therefore, I needed to be baptized.

It seemed only right to share that moment with the people who taught me the meaning of the word, "grace".

They saved my life.

So, yes, I was baptized at Southwest Hills Baptist Church. I have learned much from them. They are a studious people, hungry for the Word, passionate to share the Gospel, full of the life of the Lord. I love where God has brought me. He has truly done great things.

God Bless,

Jules

Writing By Faith

Voices.

It's the voices that get to me.

Soundless voices that echo endlessly in the back of my head.

It began with a still, small voice that told me to write. A compulsive command that resonated through my veins and made my fingers itch. I ignored it as long as I could, but it was relentless. Almost a year ago now, I gave up, and I began to write my story.

I like that voice. That voice gives me permission to do what I want to do anyway. To play with words and weave pictures and somehow, somehow proclaim to the world the glorious song of redemption that plays endlessly in my heart. I can't sing it - but maybe I can write it.

But as I get deeper into my story, deeper into the pit from which I've been redeemed, the other voices begin hounding me. Sometimes barely audible, sometimes like a pack of yipping chihuahuas, tearing at the edges of my paper,

"What do you think you're doing? Nobody's going to want to read this! Why would they? Who wants to read about someone else's personal angst?"

I hesitate. My fingers fumble at the keys. My words refuse to flow smoothly. Maybe the chihuahuas are right, I am being stupid.

"Write."

It's that still, quiet voice again, and it is a command. I obey, but inside, the battle rages.

However, as my Bible Study Fellowship leader keeps repeating, we serve a kind, gracious God who never calls us to do what He will not equip us to finish.

Just when the yipping starts to pull me under, it is time for the Winter 2015 Oregon Christian Writer's Conference. I am tired. I am ready to give up. I don't really want to go - but my son and my sister are going. I have promised a report to my critique group. I've already registered. Pride won't let me back out, so I go.

I go to a place my Heavenly Father prepared for me months ago, before I even knew I would have a need. I find I am not the only one who writes simply because that quiet voice won't let me stop.

It begins early...before the keynote speaker is even introduced. Maxine begins with devotions, reminding us for whom we write, asking God to be the center of our works, asking that He will use our writing to bring glory to Him and value to the reader.

She then brings us to Isaiah 41:17-20

17 When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

18 I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.

19 I will plant in the wilderness the cedar, the shittah tree, and the myrtle, and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the fir tree, and the pine, and the box tree together:

20 That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand together, that the hand of the Lord hath done this, and the Holy One of Israel hath created it.

Trees found in the desert. Many varieties, each with a distinctive use. Because we all come from different backgrounds - different soils, if you will - yet those very differences have equipped us with everything we need to accomplish the purpose God has designed for us. We are HIS. What He has spoken will come to pass.  Isaiah 55:11

11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

As these words sink into my doubting heart, the keynote speaker, Bill Giovannetti is introduced.

Bill brings us to the story of Peter walking on the water - but he gives the story a twist. He points out that the miracle of the story is not that Peter walked on water - physics is easy for the creator of physics. The real miracle of the story is that Peter got out of the ship. He hitched up his robe and stepped over the side with the other disciples (like my yipping chihuahuas) watching in fear from the safety of the ship. He likened Peter stepping out on the water to our putting pen to paper - or fingers to the keyboard, for the more technologically minded.

The point is that our job is faith. Our job is to get out of the boat - to start writing. It is God's job to control the outcome. He sees the big picture and weaves together our stories with the stories of others. We can't see where our writing may lead - all we see is the mess. "Heaven is less interested in our getting published than in our keeping faith with God." Nothing leaves you as vulnerable as stepping out in faith. However, "If you walk in faith, grace will find you."

"If God has called you to write, the only way to sink is to stop writing."

Forget the yapping chihuahuas, the nay-sayers, the fearful who try to keep you in the boat. Jesus expects you to live a life of bold faith.

Why?

Because He is standing right beside you. It is not the size of your faith that matters. It is the fact of your faith - and the size of your Savior. "If you have enough faith to pray, you have faith enough."

That was just the first session. In the second session, Bill got personal.

He talked about the labels that have been slapped on us. Words and attitudes that have been hammered at us until we believed them and made them our own.

But those labels are not who we are - not anymore - not once we have accepted the sacrifice of Christ.

As Christians, Christ is our identity.

Paul said it best in Galatians 2:20

20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

When we come to Christ and accept His grace, the first thing grace does is rehab our identity.

Through grace we are transformed from sinner to saint; addict to redeemed.

Through grace the guilty are forgiven and the worthless become precious.

By grace, those labeled stupid or incompetent find themselves able to do all things through Christ.

By grace, the lost and forgotten are engraved on the palms of His hands.

Forget the labels this world has pasted on you - go write the words God has given you. Write from your pain, your passion, your fear, your joys. All good writing is emotional. Emotions are the threads that bind our writing to the hearts of our readers. Humans need heat and light - the light of God's truth mediated through the heat of our emotions.

In the end, the goal of our writing, our aim, the outcome we pray the Lord will grant us is to

"Take the reader by the hand, and walk them home to their true self in Christ."


If my story can do that for one person, then it is worth it to write.

God bless,

Jules