Serving the I AM

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

I can't stop crying, so I guess it's time to write. I'm not crying because I am sad, but because my heart has been touched by grief and overwhelmed by gratitude.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

An old man wanders the halls of the new church I have been attending. He seems a little lost, a little unsure on his feet. Yet... a slight smile tugs at the corner of his mouth, and there's a twinkle in his eye. I smile back. I don't remember seeing him before. Something about him catches my attention and I turn to watch him as he passes unsteadily down the hall. I wonder if he has had a stroke.

Later, I find out it is worse than a stroke... and Jim isn't as old as he looks. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. Now he has a brain tumor - yet his eyes are saying, 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I will never forget the first time I met his wife, Virginia. I was wandering over to one of the few people I knew in a sea of unfamiliar faces. My friend was talking to Virginia and graciously introduced us. In a few words, my friend told me what Jim was going through, and that she was asking Virginia for an update. Virginia, equally gracious, allowed me, a total stranger, into her world and included me in her report. 

I was struck by her calmness as she told us her husband's mind and abilities were deteriorating, and it was only going to get worse.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

Two images flashed simultaneously across my memory. The first, my ungodly, alcoholic grandfather. Although diagnosed with dementia in his final years, my aunt always said he had "pickled brain." The more his mind deteriorated, the meaner he became, saying nasty things to people and spitting in the faces of the nurses who tried to feed him.

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

The second image was of my husband's grandmother, Grandma Eileen. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she could remember nothing more recent than forty years ago. Yet the day she met me, she patted me on the hand and said, "Oh, Honey, he (David) doesn't have to introduce you - I would never forget you!" Everything that woman did was aimed at making sure the people around her were happy and cared for - she even left sandwiches laying around for the helpers at the nursing home because, "they are growing boys and boys are always hungry." Her love for Jesus shone in her eyes and permeated her actions.

It was Grandma Eileen’s testimony that broke the final chains binding me to legalism and convinced me of the finality of Christ's work on the cross.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Hearing Virginia voice her concerns about what Jim's deterioration might do to his personality, I blurted out, 

"In my experience, the more a person's mind deteriorates, the more we see what Jesus has built in them."

What was I thinking? Open mouth, insert foot. Who was I to offer such advice to someone I didn't even know? I meant to be encouraging, but I must have sounded terribly condescending. Virginia only flashed me a beautiful smile and explained the drugs they were giving her husband were known to change personalities and to make people mean. There was nothing more I could say except that I would pray.

And pray I did. I prayed... and I watched. I don't know if Virginia even remembers meeting me, but I've spent the past eight months watching them like a hawk. I was new to faith in total salvation by Christ alone. I had been raised to believe only people who understood the doctrine of perfection could live a transformed life...and since people outside that fellowship did not believe in perfection.... Yet, I had seen Grandma Eileen, while not perfect, living a life so transformed, so different from the ordinary, it had convinced me of Jesus' complete ability to save us in spite of ourselves.

So I prayed, and I watched. Would it happen again? Was the God I now served more powerful than brain tumors, troublesome medications, and doctor's predictions? Had I just put a huge stumblingblock in front of a grieving wife?

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

February came, and with it the annual Ladies' Retreat. Virginia gave her testimony. A beautiful testimony of God's grace as He walked with her family through these terrible times... of how Jim's faith remained secure... of Jim laughing in times of clarity at things he'd done during times of confusion.,. of them being able to share their faith, love, and joy in spite of the medications and that terrible tumor. 

Over the spring and summer, I watched Jim age another ten years as he continued to decline. In all that time, I never once saw his smile waver.  In all that time, I saw only faith and courage in Virginia - and her still beautiful smile.

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

When my father went through his cancer twenty years ago, we prayed God would heal him - we begged God to heal him. Death was a frightening thing to one who had not yet reached perfection. Therefore, all our prayers centered on my dad being healed. Although my pastor did not teach faith healings, there were whispers around the edges...if only we had enough faith.... Then my father’s friend called him from California, "God told me He was going to heal you!"

My father was not afraid. He ignored both the nonsense about his rumored lack of faith and the hopeful prophecies. Somehow, the Lord he served his entire life had gotten past our perfectionist doctrine and assured my dad that he was saved. He had no doubt where he was going when he died. 

It is well, with my soul,

Unfortunately, while my dad rested in the peace of his Savior, the faith of others rested in dad's healing. When he was not healed, their faith was severely shaken. At least two people left the church over it. The rest of us sought comfort in believing maybe he reached perfection in his last hours. 

What a contrast I saw that night at Jim's memorial! The family was grieving - but only for themselves. Not one person there doubted where Jim was. Not one person wondered whether or not he reached perfection. Not one person secretly doubted if Jim was righteous enough to be saved.

Because it was not Jim's righteousness that mattered! It was Christ's righteousness. Jim had believed in the saving power of the cross of Christ and accepted Christ's righteousness as his own. Longtime friends testified to the transformation they had seen in Jim when he became a believer. Those who knew him well testified that he was not perfect, but he took his faults, his insecurities, his needs to the cross where his Savior met him every   single   time.

It is well, with my soul,

Instead of faith being shaken when Jim was not healed, faith was strengthened as people witnessed the faith of Jim and Virginia and the provision of their Lord as they walked through his final weeks...days...hours.

In the end, when Jim could barely talk, the pastor asked him what verse was helping him through these last days. (I noticed he did not ask if there was a verse - he knew there was one.) Jim's answer had me crying for days. On a piece of paper, with shaking hand, Jim wrote the reference Isaiah 26:3. 

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”

Jim and Virginia do not serve an If-Then God bound by circumstances. They serve the I AM.  

I have my answer.  Our Lord Jesus Christ is still bigger than brain tumors, troublesome medications and doctor's predictions. Is it any wonder the first song at his memorial was "It is Well?"

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well,

With my soul.

Dear Virginia, I know the days ahead are going to be hard. Please know that my prayers are still with you and your boys. Know as well that the I AM who brought you this far is still with you, keeping you, loving you. Rest in Him. 

God Bless, 

Jules

See story behind "It is Well" here.