Serving the I AM

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

I can't stop crying, so I guess it's time to write. I'm not crying because I am sad, but because my heart has been touched by grief and overwhelmed by gratitude.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

An old man wanders the halls of the new church I have been attending. He seems a little lost, a little unsure on his feet. Yet... a slight smile tugs at the corner of his mouth, and there's a twinkle in his eye. I smile back. I don't remember seeing him before. Something about him catches my attention and I turn to watch him as he passes unsteadily down the hall. I wonder if he has had a stroke.

Later, I find out it is worse than a stroke... and Jim isn't as old as he looks. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. Now he has a brain tumor - yet his eyes are saying, 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I will never forget the first time I met his wife, Virginia. I was wandering over to one of the few people I knew in a sea of unfamiliar faces. My friend was talking to Virginia and graciously introduced us. In a few words, my friend told me what Jim was going through, and that she was asking Virginia for an update. Virginia, equally gracious, allowed me, a total stranger, into her world and included me in her report. 

I was struck by her calmness as she told us her husband's mind and abilities were deteriorating, and it was only going to get worse.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

Two images flashed simultaneously across my memory. The first, my ungodly, alcoholic grandfather. Although diagnosed with dementia in his final years, my aunt always said he had "pickled brain." The more his mind deteriorated, the meaner he became, saying nasty things to people and spitting in the faces of the nurses who tried to feed him.

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

The second image was of my husband's grandmother, Grandma Eileen. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she could remember nothing more recent than forty years ago. Yet the day she met me, she patted me on the hand and said, "Oh, Honey, he (David) doesn't have to introduce you - I would never forget you!" Everything that woman did was aimed at making sure the people around her were happy and cared for - she even left sandwiches laying around for the helpers at the nursing home because, "they are growing boys and boys are always hungry." Her love for Jesus shone in her eyes and permeated her actions.

It was Grandma Eileen’s testimony that broke the final chains binding me to legalism and convinced me of the finality of Christ's work on the cross.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Hearing Virginia voice her concerns about what Jim's deterioration might do to his personality, I blurted out, 

"In my experience, the more a person's mind deteriorates, the more we see what Jesus has built in them."

What was I thinking? Open mouth, insert foot. Who was I to offer such advice to someone I didn't even know? I meant to be encouraging, but I must have sounded terribly condescending. Virginia only flashed me a beautiful smile and explained the drugs they were giving her husband were known to change personalities and to make people mean. There was nothing more I could say except that I would pray.

And pray I did. I prayed... and I watched. I don't know if Virginia even remembers meeting me, but I've spent the past eight months watching them like a hawk. I was new to faith in total salvation by Christ alone. I had been raised to believe only people who understood the doctrine of perfection could live a transformed life...and since people outside that fellowship did not believe in perfection.... Yet, I had seen Grandma Eileen, while not perfect, living a life so transformed, so different from the ordinary, it had convinced me of Jesus' complete ability to save us in spite of ourselves.

So I prayed, and I watched. Would it happen again? Was the God I now served more powerful than brain tumors, troublesome medications, and doctor's predictions? Had I just put a huge stumblingblock in front of a grieving wife?

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

February came, and with it the annual Ladies' Retreat. Virginia gave her testimony. A beautiful testimony of God's grace as He walked with her family through these terrible times... of how Jim's faith remained secure... of Jim laughing in times of clarity at things he'd done during times of confusion.,. of them being able to share their faith, love, and joy in spite of the medications and that terrible tumor. 

Over the spring and summer, I watched Jim age another ten years as he continued to decline. In all that time, I never once saw his smile waver.  In all that time, I saw only faith and courage in Virginia - and her still beautiful smile.

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

When my father went through his cancer twenty years ago, we prayed God would heal him - we begged God to heal him. Death was a frightening thing to one who had not yet reached perfection. Therefore, all our prayers centered on my dad being healed. Although my pastor did not teach faith healings, there were whispers around the edges...if only we had enough faith.... Then my father’s friend called him from California, "God told me He was going to heal you!"

My father was not afraid. He ignored both the nonsense about his rumored lack of faith and the hopeful prophecies. Somehow, the Lord he served his entire life had gotten past our perfectionist doctrine and assured my dad that he was saved. He had no doubt where he was going when he died. 

It is well, with my soul,

Unfortunately, while my dad rested in the peace of his Savior, the faith of others rested in dad's healing. When he was not healed, their faith was severely shaken. At least two people left the church over it. The rest of us sought comfort in believing maybe he reached perfection in his last hours. 

What a contrast I saw that night at Jim's memorial! The family was grieving - but only for themselves. Not one person there doubted where Jim was. Not one person wondered whether or not he reached perfection. Not one person secretly doubted if Jim was righteous enough to be saved.

Because it was not Jim's righteousness that mattered! It was Christ's righteousness. Jim had believed in the saving power of the cross of Christ and accepted Christ's righteousness as his own. Longtime friends testified to the transformation they had seen in Jim when he became a believer. Those who knew him well testified that he was not perfect, but he took his faults, his insecurities, his needs to the cross where his Savior met him every   single   time.

It is well, with my soul,

Instead of faith being shaken when Jim was not healed, faith was strengthened as people witnessed the faith of Jim and Virginia and the provision of their Lord as they walked through his final weeks...days...hours.

In the end, when Jim could barely talk, the pastor asked him what verse was helping him through these last days. (I noticed he did not ask if there was a verse - he knew there was one.) Jim's answer had me crying for days. On a piece of paper, with shaking hand, Jim wrote the reference Isaiah 26:3. 

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”

Jim and Virginia do not serve an If-Then God bound by circumstances. They serve the I AM.  

I have my answer.  Our Lord Jesus Christ is still bigger than brain tumors, troublesome medications and doctor's predictions. Is it any wonder the first song at his memorial was "It is Well?"

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well,

With my soul.

Dear Virginia, I know the days ahead are going to be hard. Please know that my prayers are still with you and your boys. Know as well that the I AM who brought you this far is still with you, keeping you, loving you. Rest in Him. 

God Bless, 

Jules

See story behind "It is Well" here.

In the Eye of the Storm

I have not written in a long time, and I do apologize.  The Lord has been moving me into a new era in my life.  I feel as though I am walking through a massive tornado - but safely held in the eye of the storm while events swirl crazily around me.  Events - ideas - new ways of thinking - wrongs being turned right - impossible heartache being redeemed.  There is so much to learn!  So much I need to study!  So many questions to ask!

As I begin to understand more and more about the sacrifice of Jesus and His cleansing blood, there is a cascading effect on my thinking patterns.  Everything is inter-connected.  If it is the blood that saves me and not my own works, how does that effect the doctrine of resurrection? What I was taught was very complicated.  I was taught there was a heavenly body waiting for those who reached perfection, and an earthly body waiting for those who did not.  However, there is no record in the New Testament that anyone has ever reached Jesus-level perfection in this life.  There are, however, many references to being covered bythe righteousness of Christ.

Romans is particularly eloquent on the subject.  In chapter three, for example, Paul makes it clear that we cannot be righteous in our selves:

10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:

And,

20 Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight...

Therefore I can only rely on a righteousness given by God - which is provided through faith in His Son:

22 Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference:

23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

25 Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God;

26 To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

Did you notice that verse 24 says that we are justified freely?  That word denotes generosity - open handedness.  It also denotes a complete lack of attached requirements for those who will believe.

So if it is the righteousness of God and not our own that saves us, how would it be decided who received an earthly resurrection and who gets a heavenly one?  (Assuming there are two different resurrections, which I now doubt.)  The answer I was given, and that I find curiously comforting, is Colossians 3:3

3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 

Somehow, that is enough.  I can leave the question in the hands of my Saviour.

In the doctrine of perfection, I was taught that Christ paid for my past sins, but my present and future sins were my responsibility.

Here's the problem:  Sin can only be atoned for with a spotless sacrifice.  As soon as I sin, my soul is stained, and I am no longer qualified as a sacrifice.  How in the world could I then cleanse myself from my present and future sins?  I cannot.  Nor can I find anything in the New Testament that tells me I should.  The scriptures are very clear about what I should do with my sins.
I John 1:9

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Again, it is Jesus that washes us clean.  How?

7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

Through His blood, shed for me at Calvary.

Do you know what is really wonderful about all of this?  The blood was shed so that we could have access to the Father.  I was raised to ignore the Father.  Somehow, once I learned that it is through the blood of the Son that we come to the Father, I delight in doing exactly that.

There is such a beautiful picture of this found in the Tabernacle in the Wilderness.  I have recently joined Bible Study International, an organization founded in 1959 by a woman who believed women should be better acquainted with their Bibles.  We are studying the life of Moses, and therefore, the Tabernacle.  What a beautiful walk-through of the Gospel this is!  There is only one entrance into the courtyard of the Tabernacle.  In John 14:6, Jesus said,

6 ...I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Not clear enough?  There's another verse in John 10:9,

9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved.

We begin our journey into God's presence by coming through His Son, Jesus.  Once we have entered the outer court, the first thing we see is the brazen altar, where all the sacrifices were brought.  Over and over again it is made clear that the need of every one of these sacrifices was fulfilled in the sacrifice of Jesus.  Hebrews 10:9 states it quite clearly:

12 But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins for ever, sat down on the right hand of God;

But you know the verse I really like?

14 For by one offering he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.

It is through His sacrifice that we are perfected.  Funny thing. The only place we are asked to sacrifice ourselves is in Romans 12:1:

 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

Here, we are called a living sacrifice, offered as the only reasonable response to His perfect sacrifice.

Once the sacrifice is made, we come to the brazen laver, where we are washed and made clean. Ephesians 5:26

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it (the church) with the washing of water by the word

Why do we need to be washed with the word?  How else will we find out what needs to be cleansed? Jesus atones for our sins, but we do need to bring them to Him.  Revelation 7:14

14 ... And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

 Note, it is the blood of the Lamb that makes the robes white.  Not our own efforts.

Once clean, we can take the sweet incense of our prayers,
Revelation 8:4

4 And the smoke of the incense, which came with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.

light that incense with the coals from the sacrifice of Jesus, and come boldly into the Tabernacle itself, where the veil has been rent, from top to bottom, giving us full access to our Heavenly Father.

Hebrews 4:16

16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Isn't that a beautiful picture?

I am grateful - deliriously, rapturously, supremely grateful that my precious Saviour did not leave me to rot in the sins I could not cleanse, struggling to pay a price He had already paid.  I was completely oblivious to what His sacrifice meant for me, and He could have left me there.

I am afraid I have caused Him no end of trouble with my "Julie do it!" attitude.  Like a four-year-old who wants to do everything for themselves and cannot understand why they fail.  I was not looking for answers.  I accepted my failure and expected to die in my sin.  But the Lord was gracious.  He sent me person after person to tell me the message of grace.  And when I still could not believe, He sent me a special friend to be an example of His grace.  Never underestimate what can happen when you let Jesus love through you!

Eight years.  Eight long years of me struggling and screaming and accusing my loving Saviour of all sorts of terrible things.  He endured it all.  Patiently blocking me from going here, opening a door for me to go there, sneaking a lesson in during the rare times I was calm enough to listen.

I stand today, washed clean, basking in my Saviour's amazing grace, and able to daily kneel at my Father's feet because of one thing:  I have a God who does not fail and would not give up.


The Lord bless you and keep you;  the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift up His countenance unto you, and give you peace.  Numbers 6:24-26



Jules

Am I Saved?

I've had an interesting month.  It started with a Ladies' Retreat in Seattle.  I went because I wanted to see some friends I've not seen in a while.  The entire retreat was an echo of the grief that prompted me to write my previous post.  Women grieving for their children and grandchildren who are not serving the Lord.  Children who are being devoured by the world and the "I have a right to be happy" mentality... a mentality that ironically brings the opposite: anxiety and depressive self-centeredness that ends in misery and loneliness.  I prayed and grieved with these women, but had very little comfort to give.  I am struggling to teach my own children why the "I have a right to be happy" worldview can never succeed. The other reason that I could not give comfort is, of course, because none of these children are still at home.  Their mothers' time is done.  Mine has just begun.

Am I doing any better?

One of the most distressing things I witnessed at the Retreat was the testimony of one of the few younger women there.  In desperation, the moderator asked this 24-year-old why she was still in the church.  Her answer, "Because I follow the path of least resistance.  I'm still living at home... it is easier to go with my parents than not."  I am not making this up.  Even worse, no one saw a problem with her statement.

It broke my heart.

As the others smiled indulgently,  I cried over what I did not hear.  I did not hear, "I stayed because I love the Lord. Because Jesus died on the cross to cover my sins. Because I am hungry for the Word of God. Because I want to be with God's people. Because I want to serve the Lord."

"Because I am saved."

I did not hear those things because they are not there.  Because this young woman whom I care about very much is not saved.  Therefore, over time, the thin threads of family and friends and convenience that keep her darkening the church doors will fray and separate, and she, like so many before her, will be lost.

I do not want my children to be lost.

Yet, how can I help them, when I feel lost myself.  You see, I traveled over 6000 miles this summer.  I saw people from many different churches, and I learned something important.  The people who are saved?  You can see it in their eyes and in their life... and what I have seen in them I do not always see in me.  It is the life of Christ that bubbles out of them and brings peace, joy, and assurance no matter what their circumstances.  I have tasted it, but I do not live it.  And it is the one thing that can save my children.

But am I saved?  How can I lead my children to Christ if I am not saved?

I have a pedigree that reads like the Apostle Paul's.  My father was a minister in the church that I attended faithfully for 38 years.

But am I saved?

I was raised up under one of the greatest Bible teachers in the Body of Christ. I studied diligently.  I have been memorizing scripture since I was 5 years old.

But am I saved?

I served God's people faithfully.  I was in Band and Choir.  I made coffee every Sunday.  I was at every work-day, I worked long hours with no sleep every Conference.  I did it all with joy.

But am I saved?

Like Paul, I speak as a fool.

Because when my circumstances changed, my joy disappeared.  When I could no longer do the works, my faith crumbled.  If I could not do the works, God must not want me anymore.  How could I possibly be saved if I was not doing enough good works?

Can you hear it? The sound of works righteousness.  The sound of me trying to gain salvation through my own works.


James 2:18-20

18 Yea, a man may say, Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith by my works.

19 Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.

20 But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?

This scripture is my creed.  Yet, in the end, my works could not save me.  My righteousness is nothing but filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).  Oh, and when the scripture makes that statement, it isn't talking about ordinary dirt.  The actual translation would read "menstrual rags".  Ewww!

When I was attending to all the good works in the church, I never understood this scripture.  I understand it now.  When the peripheries were taken away and I had to focus on myself and my family, I found that all my knowledge and good works meant nothing.  In spite of all I "know" about how to be a good wife and mother, I find I fail at it every day.  I cannot do it by myself.  My own sense of righteousness is not enough; I have not the strength and the energy to show my husband the reverence God has asked of me, nor to show my children the patience and love they need on a daily basis.  All the good I thought I had has vanished in the daily grind of trying to be perfect through my own works.

Turns out, I am not saved.

I forgot Galatians 2:21-22

20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain.

I am a fantastic law keeper.  My mistake was in thinking that the law would save me.  "If I just dress right, attend the right church, pray right, serve right, then God will love me and bless me."  Then, when things go wrong, "I must not be doing something right.  Jesus, just tell me what to do and I'll do it.  What am I doing wrong?!"

The answer?  Nothing.  I need to be saved.  I need to understand that there is none good in themselves.  Jesus makes a point of this in Mark:
Mark 10:17-18

17 And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?

18 And Jesus said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God.

What? Do you mean Jesus was not good?  That's not what He said. He said there is none good but God. The man was kneeling at His feet asking for eternal life. Did the man know that Jesus was the Christ? That He was God and therefore good? The Lord then tests him - He tells him to keep the law. The man proudly asserts he's done all that - he's been good. Has he really? Jesus asks him one more question:

21 Then Jesus beholding him loved him, and said unto him, One thing thou lackest: go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me.

22 And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions.

The man had bowed to Jesus and spoken to Him as though he believed He was the Messiah, yet was unwilling to follow Him. Why?

Romans 8:7-8

7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.

8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.

This man had done all he knew to do in the flesh, and it was not enough - it can never be enough.

What, then, must I do to be saved?

In Acts, there was another who asked that question.  Paul was thrown in prison.  The prison was hit with an earthquake that not only opened the prison doors, but also freed Paul and Silas from their chains.  But, instead of getting out while the getting was good, they stayed and preached to their jailer instead.  In awe at the power of their God, he asked that question:

Acts 16:27-31

26 And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.

27 And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.

28 But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here.

29 Then he called for a light, and sprang in, and came trembling, and fell down before Paul and Silas,

30 And brought them out, and said, Sirs, what must I do to be saved?

31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

He and his house were saved.  Right then.  Right there.  They were not given a list of things to do, they were only asked to do one thing.  Just one.

Believe.

Okay, great! I believe.  Now what do I do to be saved?

Believe.

Yes, yes, then what?

Believe.

But I need to "work out my own salvation"... I need to earn this grace. I need to show I'm something special.  I need to...

Believe.

It is not up to me to make myself righteous. My righteousness is not just worthless, it is bloody and disgusting and needs to be thrown away - preferably burned. Only the righteousness of Jesus can make me clean.

Romans 5:18

18 Therefore as by the offence of one judgment came upon all men to condemnation; even so by the righteousness of one the free gift came upon all men unto justification of life.

Jesus came that we might have life, that righteousness might reign in our hearts.  We cannot do it in ourselves, but must turn our eyes on Jesus who is the "author and finisher of our faith".  (Hebrews 12:2) What does that mean?  The author decides the outcome of the story.  He also decides every event that happens.  He even writes how we get through those events.  We can have faith that He is in control and so live in peace.

Romans 5:1-2

5 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

But everything is going wrong!  He's either not in control, or He just doesn't care about me anymore.

Believe.

Romans 5:3-5

3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

Believe that our God does all things well.  Believe that what He is doing right now is to work His glory in your life.  He called you, specifically, because he loves you specifically.

John 14:6

6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

You would not even be interested in God if He had not drawn you, personally to Him.  Still think you can gain or destroy your own salvation?  Here is another scripture for you:

John 6:44

44 No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.

Not only did God draw you to His Son, but His Son has drawn you back to the Father. They are both interested in your salvation.  Did you read the last line?  Both God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ have predestined you for salvation.  You could not know nor care about Him otherwise.

This gives new meaning to Ecclesiastes 4:12

12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

You can resist, but they two will prevail against you.  What happens when you surrender?  When you allow yourself to become part of that threefold cord?

Romans 8:31

31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

Believe.

Having drawn you, He has no intention of letting you go.  Remember, He is not just the author of your faith, but also the finisher.

Romans 8:35-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jesus does not lose those who are truly His.

Believe.

Lord, I believe.  Help thou mine unbelief.