Why Do Our Children Leave?

I guess this is appropriate, coming on the heels of my last blog, although I did not plan this.

The fellowship we have been visiting while here in Portland has raised concerns over their children and the choices their children have made as they became adults.  They feel they need to start youth-based, youth directed Bible studies (under the guidance of an experienced, adult couple) because their youth are leaving their church and attending other churches after attaining adulthood.  Let me state, before anything else, that I think the Bible study as they have outlined it is a fantastic idea.  How can our children learn to be adults if we never give them the opportunity to do adult things?

That said, when I look at their reasons for doing this, my heart screams in agony.  I pray to God that He will allow me to voice my heart cry so that others may understand.

First of all, dear, precious people of God, fall on your knees before a merciful God and praise His name in absolute gratitude that your children are still serving Him... no matter what church.  My beloved brothers and sisters, for the most part, are not.  There were 17 of us, from different families, but we grew up together, went to the same church together, learned the same lessons, had the same joys and losses... we were siblings.  Even if some them prefer not to claim me, I will always claim them. Out of the 17,  four are serving the Lord.  Count them.  Four.

Every one of them had the gift of the Holy Ghost.  Every one can quote Bible and most can prove our beliefs from Bible scriptures.  Every one, at some point in time, had a personal experience with God.  And one by one, I watched them leave... because, of the four that are still serving the Lord, only one couple is a part of what is left of our church... and they left and came back.

You see, I am the one that stayed.  At least until the war came and what we had was destroyed.

You may think I am not qualified to speak on this issue because I have not raised any children to adulthood in church.  You are right.  As a parent, I am not qualified.  But as a child who grew up in church, please hear me.

First of all, do not be offended if your adult sons and daughters feel the need to explore.  I was a certified "church angel".  Ask anyone who knew me.  I went to the most wonderful church on the planet (according to me).  We had a pastor that always had something fresh to share, and I wouldn't have traded him for anything.  I still miss him.  Yet, there came a time when I felt that there was something else God wanted to teach me, and I couldn't learn it where I was at.  I needed to see life and the Bible from a new perspective in order to grow.  I needed to leave the place I was in to get that perspective. This is not an insult.  It is part of growing up in the Lord.

Second, creating a bubble for the young people to keep them entertained and interested is how the youth groups we see all around us began.  "The young people need something more, let's create a program just for them, where they can associate with their own age.  Then they'll want to stay."  It works great... until the kids outgrow the bubble, then what?

Thus, the cycle repeats itself.  One of the principles that Household of Faith was founded on is that church needs to be age-integrated.  It is one of the things that make fellowship there such a relief for my family.  Please don't make the mistake of tossing that principle out the window, of making the same mistake as hundreds before you.  (Please don't feel bad, it is a very common mistake.)  The mistake is that you are treating the symptoms, not the problem.  We are buying into the very ideals that are helping to destroy our public schools.  When you segregate children by age, they have only themselves to look to for examples.  Children trying to impress other children rarely produce anything good.  We don't want our children to be raised by children.  This is one of the reasons we homeschool.  We want our children to become adults.

Understand, this is only one woman's perspective, but the main reason I see/had for wanting to go someplace besides where one is raised, is that the people who raised us have a tendency to not let us grow up.  Giving them a Bible study or other such event, while good training, will not help them in this area.  It's like patting them on the head and saying, "You're such a good kid, why don't you come play adult for a while."  Meanwhile the non-supervising adults go back to their concerns; back to ignoring the young people.  Did you hear what I just said?

The young people aren't leaving because you are not providing them enough entertainment.  They are leaving because you are not making them a part of your world.  Don't believe me?  Look around after services, during fellowships, at special events... What do you see?  You see adults talking to adults, and young people talking to young people.  You see adults clustered at one end of the table, little children clustered at the other end, and the young people at a completely separate table.  (I am as guilty here as anyone.)  When was the last time you, as an adult, joined a group of young people and had a conversation with them?  At the time when they should be integrating among you, they are becoming more and more set apart.  Because we adults are living in denial.  In our minds, they are still 10 years old...they can't possibly be sixteen already, they were cutting their teeth just yesterday.  Dave Ramsey calls it the powdered bum syndrome... once you've powdered their bum, you don't want to listen to what they have to say.

Let me illustrate my point.  When I was 18, I was thrilled to be graduating.  I was finally going to be an adult!  I had always preferred adult company.  Graduation meant I finally could join their ranks.  It was my graduation party.  I had the certificate in my hand proclaiming my entrance into adulthood.  MY party!  Where everyone was congratulating me for becoming an adult.  Joyful in my success, I approached a table where two older people were talking and sat down... or started to sit down.  The older woman turned to me and said, rather angrily, "Do you mind?  We're having an adult conversation here."

Are you still wondering why children feel the need to go elsewhere as adults?

One more story, then I'm done.  When I was 28, I came back after being in another state for a year.  I was given a job teaching in the church school under a principal that had not been in the church when I was a child.  She would ask what I thought about certain situations, and when I told her, SHE LISTENED!!!  I was flabergasted.  She actually acted like what I said mattered, and was something to be considered.  I wish I could put you in my heart so you could feel what these two examples did to my emotions.

I would like to say that emotions do not matter, but they do.  God, for whatever reason, made us to be emotional people.  Please don't forget that when raising up young people.

In closing, I want to point out that causing separation will not win your children's hearts.  We need to be looking for ways to bind them to us, if we want them to stay, or even come back for visits.  They need to be integrated into our world, or they will leave, and find their own world.

Teach them well, lay the foundations in their lives, and then make them a part of your life.  Not a distraction, not an obligation, but a real, living, equal value, integral part of your life.

Let them cease to be your children and become your brothers in sisters in the Lord.

God Bless,

Julie Streit