Why Go To Church?

Wow!

As I travel through the holidays this year, I am constantly struck with a sense of "deja-vu" - or should I say "deja - this is SO different!"

Last year at this time, I was a broken, bleeding wreck, terrified of having to go a whole three weeks without Bible Study Fellowship, and even more terrified of going two weeks without attending my new church while we went on a trip over Christmas. I had reason to be terrified. By Christmas, I was a complete basket case, emotionally crawling from one day to the next. By January second, I slipped away for a quiet Bible study at Shari's and spent most of the time crying into my coffee. I don't know what the waitress must have thought.

It wasn't missing the services that bothered me. It was being without the people. Precious people who had taken me into their arms, their hearts, and their prayers. Especially their prayers. The people held me steady, and even a few days without their influence found me struggling against debilitating depression.

Last year, at this time, I was less than two months away from the day I handed my knife to my counselor, and promised to quit planning ways to take my own life. I did not give it to her because I thought I could actually keep such a promise. I gave it to her because the woman who listened in our sessions had looked me in the eye and said,

"She needs to hear you make the decision to live...and so do I."

She was almost in tears. Knowing someone cared that much gave me the courage to look hard at what she was asking of me - and the reasons I was resisting.

It was not an easy decision to make. Even though I had knelt at the foot of the cross and accepted Jesus Christ as the first, final, and only sacrifice for sin, had felt His cleansing blood wash away the black tar of sin that covered my soul, and experienced His joy flooding my being, I was still afraid to give up my only way out when life became unbearable.

But because of the love in my friend's eyes, because of the pleading in my counselor's eyes, because there were two women in my life who desperately wanted me to live, I stepped out in my baby faith, and made the decision they were asking for - but only if they promised to walk through the hard times with me.

I have SEVERE DEPRESSIVE DISORDER. It's written just like that, in all caps, across all my medical records. Did they have to do it in all caps? I mean, it's a little embarrassing. They put it there because almost two years ago, I was a slender thread away from committing suicide. I had the tool, I had the plan...but my conscience would not quite let me leave my children.

Today, I still have moments of severe depression, but suicide is no longer an option. Really. The truth is, such an act would accomplish nothing except to cause incredible damage to my family - and the people who love me. I belong to Christ. I have a solid foundation in my life. I have people who pray for me all the time. And I know depression for what it is - an emotional headache triggered by lies I tell myself. I can't always control the emotion of depression, but I can usually keep it at bay by countering the lies with truth.

This year, going a few weeks without Bible Study Fellowship is no big deal. It just gives me some time to work on my other studies. I rarely see my counselor, and I have no fear of what might happen if I'm separated from church for some reason. And while I still spiral into severe depression at times, my spirals have a bottom.

I know the depression is not me.

Two weeks ago, I had one of those horrible episodes when I ended up hiding in my room. More specifically, hiding under a blanket in my room, shaking. But something was different: while the depression crushed me under a terrible weight of worthlessness and failure, there was no guilt. It's gone. With the guilt gone, so was the anger - the intense urge to punish myself was simply nonexistent. Jesus already took my punishment. What could I add to His sacrifice?

Even better, with the anger at myself gone, so was the danger of lashing out at my children.

This is a huge change from two years ago. I used to have to lock myself in my room, with noise blaring to keep me from thinking, so I would quit hitting myself, and if my children disturbed me, I would find myself screaming at them. They learned to stay away from me during those times.

This time, when my littlest disturbed me, I didn't push him away. I hugged him. When another child asked a question, I crawled out from under my blanket to answer him. And I found once I started moving, I could keep moving, even if slowly. So I cleaned the girls' room. One. Object. At. A. Time. It was all I could do, but it kept that unbearable weight of depression from crushing me.

It took me a few days to get back on my feet and start thinking clearly again, but when I did, I was able to see the differences in how I reacted. I may still have to fight depression, but God has done an incredible work in my life. Even during my worst episodes, I am stronger than I was.

I did not get here by myself. God used people. Because that's what God does. That's what He has always done. God could have taken the animals through the Flood by leading them to a really high mountain - but he chose to lead them into an ark built by a man. This time of year, we are reminded that God could have sent His Son to earth as a full grown man - but He chose to send Him as a tiny baby completely reliant on frail humans to nurture, protect, teach, and raise Him to the adult Who could be our Savior.

Nearly two years ago, God used my sister to drag my hopeless self off my couch and insist David take me to a doctor. God used a doctor to diagnose me and get me the medical help I needed. God used a woman at church who saw me crying, and took me to someone who could show me Christ. And when that wasn't enough, God used a counselor  to make me face my fears and teach me how to counter them with truth. God used a total stranger who came and listened at those counseling sessions to show me His unconditional love.

Except for the doctor, I met all of these people at a church. Along with a woman who barely knew me, but prayed for me for four years, and another who insisted I go to the Ladies Retreat where I found, for the first time, people I could be myself with. The person who insisted I go didn't make it, but God had two others standing by to give me a ride and make sure I didn't feel awkward around so many people I didn't know.

God used the simple sharing of another's tragedy to point me to where I could find help. God used the heart-wrenching journey of a debilitating disease that left behind a wife and two children to show me how He holds those who are His, no matter what circumstances come their way.

The list goes on.

Each of these people are a gift from God to me. And I would have met none of them had I refused to go to church. I need these people.

I know I'm an extreme case. There's a theory going around that church is just for babies in the Lord who aren't strong enough to stand on their own, and don't know enough Bible to teach themselves. While at one time, I thought this idea might have some validity, I could not make it on my own. My belief in this idea led to the belief that Jesus was angry with me because I failed to be strong enough to stand on my own.

The truth is, I was never meant to stand alone. None of us were. The Bible is very clear on this subject:

"And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching."  Heb 10:24-25

This is not a law to control people, but a way of fulfilling the command given by Jesus: 

 "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another."  John 13:34-35

"Love" is a verb - it requires action. We are not left to figure it out on our own, but the Scriptures define what love looks like: 

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."  Ephesians 4:32

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord."  
Colossians 3:16

and

"Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do."
I Thessalonians 5:11

But my personal favorite, putting it very simply, is

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."
Galatians 6:2  

How do you keep this command when you either don't go to church at all, or refuse to build relationships with those in the church you attend? Yes, the church is the people, not the building or the services, but you meet the people by going to the building for the services. You find out about their lives and their needs by talking to them after those services. And, yes, they find out about yours.

And because they found out about mine, people have stepped up and borne my burdens for the past year. I no longer have to be carried, but I still appreciate their continual support, encouragement and prayers.

Sometimes I can even give back...if only just a bit. My heart bleeds for the widow who lost her husband recently. I don't have the words of wisdom to give her and only see her occasionally, but I can give my love and certainly my prayers. And I watch with gratitude to our Lord when I see others who know her better gather around and support her and her family.

If we are not part of a church family, how can we possibly pray for and support those who are grieving? We may think our relationship with God is so strong we don't need anybody else, and we may even get away with that kind of thinking for a time. But are we then withholding the gift of our strength from a weaker brother or sister who needs us?

What happens when tragedy strikes our home? When I am the one with a husband that's suffering, I want someone to come around, to pray with me, to sit with me in the hospital, to give me hugs and remind me that no matter how bad it gets, God is still in control, and He will bring me through.

No one gets through life without a few hard times. Are you rejecting the gift of people God would use to bless you?

Lord Jesus, please break down the walls of pride that keep me from accepting the people you place in my life. Give me the grace to accept strength and counsel from those you send me for that purpose, and the wisdom to give strength and counsel to those who need what you've already given me. Amen.



Jules

Gratitude

Have you ever just been grateful for where you are at?

Stop.

Take a quiet moment.

Breathe.

Quit worrying about all the things you should be doing and allow yourself to feel the love of the Lord surrounding you.

What has God done in your life?

No matter what chaos swirls around me, I always have a ground zero - a foundation from which the rest of my life flows. My one hope, my solid ground, my anchor, is the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, His covering blood, His constant intercession fro me guaranteeing my entrance into His eternal Kingdom.

How sure is my hope? It is guaranteed by two things in which it is impossible for God to lie: the word of God, and (just to make sure we know He meant it) His oath. He swore by Himself as the highest power He could swear by. We find this promise in Hebrews 6:17-20

Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath:

That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us:

Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec.

If there is nothing else in my life for which I can be grateful, I can begin there.

But there is more.

From my basic salvation, I can meditate on the character of the God who sent me that salvation - His love, His justice, His faithfulness...

I love the way His love and faithfulness come together in Jeremiah 31:3 (ESV)

I have loved you with an everlasting love;    therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

He is faithful because He loves. His love never ends because He is faithful.

Reminded of God's love and faithfulness, my heart turns toward the people He has placed around me. I am not making this journey alone. God has surrounded me with people who love Him and who love me. People who walk with me, cry with me, laugh with me, and pray with me.

Every time my journey takes a turn and I am at a loss over what to do next, my Lord sends one of His servants into my life to take my hand and help to guide me through the next phase of my journey.

There was a time when I was cut off from other believers. A time when God isolated me because my heart was closed and I had to become desperate before I would open it. But even then, I was not truly alone. My Jesus was right beside me every step making sure my tears and despair worked for His purposes and not my destruction.

For that time, too, I am grateful.

Had the Lord not led me through those dark times, I would never have discovered the precious gifts that enrich my life today: gifts of His people, gifts of truths found in His Word, gifts of truths about Who He is and, the most beautiful gift of all - His gift of grace.

For by grace are ye saved through faith. And that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God. 
Ephesians 2:8

So this morning, I sit in a quiet moment - warm, comfortable, looking out on a beautiful day, and feeling a deep contentment rooted in the perfect love of my dear Savior, my Lord, my King, my friend, and my God.

Jesus, indeed, paid it all.

How could I possibly respond with anything less than

All to Him I owe.

May your day be rich in His blessings, 

Jules

Serving the I AM

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

I can't stop crying, so I guess it's time to write. I'm not crying because I am sad, but because my heart has been touched by grief and overwhelmed by gratitude.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

An old man wanders the halls of the new church I have been attending. He seems a little lost, a little unsure on his feet. Yet... a slight smile tugs at the corner of his mouth, and there's a twinkle in his eye. I smile back. I don't remember seeing him before. Something about him catches my attention and I turn to watch him as he passes unsteadily down the hall. I wonder if he has had a stroke.

Later, I find out it is worse than a stroke... and Jim isn't as old as he looks. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. Now he has a brain tumor - yet his eyes are saying, 

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I will never forget the first time I met his wife, Virginia. I was wandering over to one of the few people I knew in a sea of unfamiliar faces. My friend was talking to Virginia and graciously introduced us. In a few words, my friend told me what Jim was going through, and that she was asking Virginia for an update. Virginia, equally gracious, allowed me, a total stranger, into her world and included me in her report. 

I was struck by her calmness as she told us her husband's mind and abilities were deteriorating, and it was only going to get worse.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

Two images flashed simultaneously across my memory. The first, my ungodly, alcoholic grandfather. Although diagnosed with dementia in his final years, my aunt always said he had "pickled brain." The more his mind deteriorated, the meaner he became, saying nasty things to people and spitting in the faces of the nurses who tried to feed him.

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

The second image was of my husband's grandmother, Grandma Eileen. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she could remember nothing more recent than forty years ago. Yet the day she met me, she patted me on the hand and said, "Oh, Honey, he (David) doesn't have to introduce you - I would never forget you!" Everything that woman did was aimed at making sure the people around her were happy and cared for - she even left sandwiches laying around for the helpers at the nursing home because, "they are growing boys and boys are always hungry." Her love for Jesus shone in her eyes and permeated her actions.

It was Grandma Eileen’s testimony that broke the final chains binding me to legalism and convinced me of the finality of Christ's work on the cross.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Hearing Virginia voice her concerns about what Jim's deterioration might do to his personality, I blurted out, 

"In my experience, the more a person's mind deteriorates, the more we see what Jesus has built in them."

What was I thinking? Open mouth, insert foot. Who was I to offer such advice to someone I didn't even know? I meant to be encouraging, but I must have sounded terribly condescending. Virginia only flashed me a beautiful smile and explained the drugs they were giving her husband were known to change personalities and to make people mean. There was nothing more I could say except that I would pray.

And pray I did. I prayed... and I watched. I don't know if Virginia even remembers meeting me, but I've spent the past eight months watching them like a hawk. I was new to faith in total salvation by Christ alone. I had been raised to believe only people who understood the doctrine of perfection could live a transformed life...and since people outside that fellowship did not believe in perfection.... Yet, I had seen Grandma Eileen, while not perfect, living a life so transformed, so different from the ordinary, it had convinced me of Jesus' complete ability to save us in spite of ourselves.

So I prayed, and I watched. Would it happen again? Was the God I now served more powerful than brain tumors, troublesome medications, and doctor's predictions? Had I just put a huge stumblingblock in front of a grieving wife?

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

February came, and with it the annual Ladies' Retreat. Virginia gave her testimony. A beautiful testimony of God's grace as He walked with her family through these terrible times... of how Jim's faith remained secure... of Jim laughing in times of clarity at things he'd done during times of confusion.,. of them being able to share their faith, love, and joy in spite of the medications and that terrible tumor. 

Over the spring and summer, I watched Jim age another ten years as he continued to decline. In all that time, I never once saw his smile waver.  In all that time, I saw only faith and courage in Virginia - and her still beautiful smile.

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

When my father went through his cancer twenty years ago, we prayed God would heal him - we begged God to heal him. Death was a frightening thing to one who had not yet reached perfection. Therefore, all our prayers centered on my dad being healed. Although my pastor did not teach faith healings, there were whispers around the edges...if only we had enough faith.... Then my father’s friend called him from California, "God told me He was going to heal you!"

My father was not afraid. He ignored both the nonsense about his rumored lack of faith and the hopeful prophecies. Somehow, the Lord he served his entire life had gotten past our perfectionist doctrine and assured my dad that he was saved. He had no doubt where he was going when he died. 

It is well, with my soul,

Unfortunately, while my dad rested in the peace of his Savior, the faith of others rested in dad's healing. When he was not healed, their faith was severely shaken. At least two people left the church over it. The rest of us sought comfort in believing maybe he reached perfection in his last hours. 

What a contrast I saw that night at Jim's memorial! The family was grieving - but only for themselves. Not one person there doubted where Jim was. Not one person wondered whether or not he reached perfection. Not one person secretly doubted if Jim was righteous enough to be saved.

Because it was not Jim's righteousness that mattered! It was Christ's righteousness. Jim had believed in the saving power of the cross of Christ and accepted Christ's righteousness as his own. Longtime friends testified to the transformation they had seen in Jim when he became a believer. Those who knew him well testified that he was not perfect, but he took his faults, his insecurities, his needs to the cross where his Savior met him every   single   time.

It is well, with my soul,

Instead of faith being shaken when Jim was not healed, faith was strengthened as people witnessed the faith of Jim and Virginia and the provision of their Lord as they walked through his final weeks...days...hours.

In the end, when Jim could barely talk, the pastor asked him what verse was helping him through these last days. (I noticed he did not ask if there was a verse - he knew there was one.) Jim's answer had me crying for days. On a piece of paper, with shaking hand, Jim wrote the reference Isaiah 26:3. 

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”

Jim and Virginia do not serve an If-Then God bound by circumstances. They serve the I AM.  

I have my answer.  Our Lord Jesus Christ is still bigger than brain tumors, troublesome medications and doctor's predictions. Is it any wonder the first song at his memorial was "It is Well?"

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well,

With my soul.

Dear Virginia, I know the days ahead are going to be hard. Please know that my prayers are still with you and your boys. Know as well that the I AM who brought you this far is still with you, keeping you, loving you. Rest in Him. 

God Bless, 

Jules

See story behind "It is Well" here.

"If - Then" or "I AM"

I serve a different God now than the one I served as a child. Oh, it's not the fault of the people who raised me. I just somehow had my perspective skewed. My understanding of God now is so completely different, it almost feels like I've changed religions. The Bible is the same. The terminology is the same. I don't have the right words to describe exactly what has changed. But my God is not the same.

It's like going from a 22-inch TV screen to Omnimax; or perhaps from a scratchy recording to surround sound - from one-dimensional to multi-dimensional.

The God I served as a child was puny and limited. The God I serve now is OMNIPOTENT.

Omnipotent. 

What a word! He's not a flat character bound by our choices and limited by our self-will because He's such a gentleman.

He's not a gentleman. He's the Almighty God. 

"Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases." Psalm 115:3 ESV.

Job discovered this:

"But he is in one mind, and who can turn him? and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth." Job 23:13 KJV

"Behold, God exalteth by his power: who teacheth like him? Who hath enjoined him his way? or who can say, Thou hast wrought iniquity?" Job 36:22-23

Horrible things were happening to Job. He did not understand why these were happening to him - but his grief and pain did not change his faith in his God. 

"Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips." Job 2:9-10

Why?

Because Job did not serve an "If - Then" God. His faith was not grounded in his prosperity or the things he hoped to gain in this life by serving God. His faith was grounded in Who God was and what He promised.

Sitting in the ash heap, scraping away boils, he resolutely declared,

"For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me." Job 19:25-27

Wow! Job had just lost his wealth, his children and his health. Why wasn't he shaken? Why did he still believe in his redeemer?

I used to hate the book of Job. It made absolutely no sense to me, because I, like Job's wife and friends, served an "If-Then" God.  "If" I did well, "then" God would bless me. "If" God was displeased with me "then" He would not bless me. When bad things happened, it was because God was trying to perfect me. "If" I handled the bad thing perfectly, "then" He would take it away and bless me again. "If" I did not handle it perfectly, "then" God would make me go through it again...and again...and again until I finally got it right.

The problem with this type of thinking, was that the "ifs" became my gods, and I did not even know it. 

"Think of those things in life that mean a great deal to you. If you were to lose this thing, would it destroy you?" ("The Sin of Idolatry", Rashid Alamir)

When I read Alamir’s article, my heart almost stopped beating. I had no idea my "ifs" were idols. I thought they were just what I was supposed to do. Then, one by one, the Lord took away my "if’s." One by one, everything I did to prove I was righteous became impossible for me to do. Each one left a hole in my foundation until at last I could not even attend church. And it completely destroyed me. I became a weeping, broken, non-functional mess.

In spite of my raging idolatry, Jesus loved me. How amazing is that? He loved me enough to destroy each of those idols - and kept me from doing something irreparable while He took them.

Only when all my works were gone and my own righteousness revealed as filthy rags could I finally come face to face with Who my Savior is, and what He has done for me. The more I understand the awesome power of His gift of grace, the more I realize circumstances do not matter. Good or bad, everything can be turned to God's glory, if we will let Him work through and in us. Sometimes the hardest circumstances are the ones where we discover the depth of our Lord's love and power in our lives.

Which brings me to the second reason Alamir's quote stopped my heart: 

I can no longer be destroyed!

My works did not gain me salvation. Christ's work bought my salvation. I did nothing to earn it; therefore I can do nothing to lose it. I am free - free to serve the I AM. 

The I AM who created the universe - created me.

"Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." Psalm 100:3

I don't have a lot of special talents or gifts. I can make a mean cup of coffee with any kind of machine you care to throw at me, and that's about it for talent. But my limitations don't matter - because the God who made me knows all of that - and He wants to use me.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

Isn't that incredible? No matter how ordinary or talented we are, God has already decided what He wants us to do. Look at that last phrase: "...that we should walk in them." To walk implies motion - if the door closes on one thing, we can be sure He has something else lined up. All I have to do is keep my eyes and heart open for the opportunities. I don't need any "if" idols to be secure in the love of my Savior.

What other idols did I hold?

I did not consider my church an idol, but losing it nearly cost me my soul. Why? Because I believed God could only be found within its walls. I was taught "If" I left that church "then" I would be cut off from God. But I don't serve a God limited by location any more. I serve the I AM.

The I AM who is omnipresent. 

I had understood God was always present, but somehow it's not the same. Changing the "always" to "omni-" adds the sense of being surrounded. I love the church I attend now. But if it falls apart or I have to leave it for some reason, I will still have my Savior. There are other churches, but there is only one Jesus. I don't have to be afraid of being abandoned.

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." Joshua 1:9

My heart sings. I want to dance for joy.

“Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 

If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10

What a beautiful promise! I cannot be destroyed by a change of location.

I serve the I AM.

ª   The I AM who is not bound by circumstances, not limited by location, not forced to conform to man's ideals, not subject to my demands.

ª   The I AM who is the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6)

ª   The I AM who is "...able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think..."  (Eph. 3:20)

ª   The I AM who remains faithful even when I am faithless. (II Timothy 2:13)

ª   The I AM - "...the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending... which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty." (Revelation 1:8)

Do we know who our God is?

Today, I am only beginning to touch the edges of His reality. It may take me all of eternity to even come close to knowing Him.

Thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus, I will have that eternity.

So can you.

God Bless, 

Jules

Baptism

Yes, On Sunday, June 21, 2015, I was baptized in a church completely unrelated to the fellowship where I grew up.

No, I have not lost either my mind or my faith.

Instead, I have learned a completely different Christ than the one I served as a child. Strange term - "learned Christ" - but it comes from the Bible. Interesting verse: Ephesians 4:20

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

Paul is talking about the change from the old man to the new. Backing up to verse 17:

17 This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,

18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:

Verse 19 lists various sins, then we get to verse 20:

 "But ye have not so learned Christ."

I saw that verse for the first time nearly a year ago, and it has haunted me ever since. What does that mean, "Ye have not so learned Christ?" What does it mean to "learn Christ?" I did not know, but it seemed important. I think I am starting to understand it now.

I lived for forty-four years with my understanding darkened, alienated from the life of God, blind in my heart, because I had not learned who Christ was and what His sacrifice meant.

I thought Jesus died just to give us the gift of the Holy Ghost. I thought the Holy Ghost was what was supposed to make me perfect, though I did not know how. I thought Jesus could only use me if I was perfect. I saw Jesus as a righteous judge, sitting on His throne, throwing hardships at me that I had to navigate perfectly or He would send them again and again until I got it right.

I wasn't getting it right. 

I was getting it wrong - again, and again, and again, and again, and again...

Every. Single. Day.

No matter how determined I was when I woke up in the morning, I had failed miserably by the end of the day - usually long before noon.

I spiraled into a pool of miserable blackness, completely unable to wash my robe white - to make myself clean.  I could not wash my sins away. I had learned a Jesus who only paid for my past sins; my present sins were my responsibility.

And I could not bear them.

The trials came fast and furious, and I failed every test. I could not look at myself in the mirror. I became convinced that Jesus could not stand to look at me either. Why should He? I had "learned Christ" from a very young age, I should be able to please Him by now, and I could not.

Broken and bleeding on the inside, I ended up in a doctor's office, getting a prescription that would hopefully keep me from committing suicide, along with an order to get into counseling.

Where could I go?  

There was nothing the fellowship I was raised with could tell me I did not already know. Besides, my former counselor had moved to Illinois. The Portland splits were so angry with each other, I trusted none of them for objective counsel. I certainly could not go to a secular counselor when my despair was based on the belief my God had forsaken me.

Expecting nothing, I reluctantly went to the counseling program at a place called Southwest Hills Baptist Church.

Sitting in that room, hating the questions I was forced to answer, mentally arguing with everything the counselor said, I met Jesus.

A different Jesus whom I had not met before.

Not a cold judge, but a loving Savior.

One who left his majestic glory as King of the universe, and somehow was contained in the body of a tiny helpless babe.  He lived the life of a poor child of questionable birth during a time so barbaric, our Christianized minds shrink back from its brutality. He walked this earth as a human, with all the temptations of humanity thrown at Him from every side, yet He did not sin - even in His thoughts! Because He says in Matthew 5:27-28

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."

Also, Proverbs 23:7 states, 

 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Even in the most private of His thoughts, Jesus kept Himself pure. 

In over forty years of walking the path of perfection, I have not met one single saint who can make the same claim. I have met many who are as exhausted as I was from trying.

After healing the sick, raising the dead, giving sight to the blind, and endlessly teaching his disciples, He allowed Himself to be offered as a pure, spotless sacrifice for our sins. All of our sins, past, present, and future. Because He knew we would fail, but He did not. There is absolutely nothing we can add to that sacrifice.

Why?

Because the minute we sin, we've disqualified ourselves. The sacrificial lambs had to be without a single blemish to be accepted. As Isaiah 64:6 says,

"But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away."

Fortunately, we don't have to depend on our own righteousness. Christ has become our righteousness. I Corinthians 1:6

"But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:"

All we have to do is believe.  Romans 3:22

"Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe..."

Because Jesus didn't stay in the grave. He rose from the dead and ascended to His Father where He sits, making intercession for us.  Romans 8:34

"Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us."

Intercession - coming between us and the judgment we deserve. He didn't have to do that. He could have told His Father He was done with us - humanity was not worth it. Instead, I John 1:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Every. Single. Time.

Day after day. As Lamentations 3:21-24 says, 

21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. 22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Wow. What a way to learn Christ!

When I finally grasped all of this, when I understood that this beautiful redemption could be for me, it changed everything!

I cannot find words to describe the complete transformation in my life since the day I fully accepted Jesus as the final sacrifice for my every sin. I can only say I am not the same person I was a year ago. I don't even recognize that person as me. My memories of those terrible times are like the story of a stranger.

My despair has changed to hope. My grief has been replaced with peace. My turmoil transformed to trust. My failures eclipsed by His victories.

I know what it means to have the joy of the Lord be my strength. When I remember what His sacrifice did for me, my soul dances and sings and circumstances can't touch me anymore.

I know what it means to have a peace that passes understanding. When I realize He has orchestrated every tiny detail of my life to bring me to where I am today, I have an absolute trust that He is in control of where He wants me to be tomorrow. He has a plan and a purpose and it's for my good!

When I see the enormity of the care He has taken of me these past eight years, I am overwhelmed by His love and His faithfulness.

He is so much bigger than I ever believed He could be, so much nearer than I could ever comprehend, and so much more involved with every aspect of my existence. I can truly say that

"...in him we live, and move, and have our being;" Acts 17:28a

The changes in my mind and heart are so great, I can only say I have been saved. Even though I have served God my entire life, I was only saved last August. Therefore, I needed to be baptized.

It seemed only right to share that moment with the people who taught me the meaning of the word, "grace".

They saved my life.

So, yes, I was baptized at Southwest Hills Baptist Church. I have learned much from them. They are a studious people, hungry for the Word, passionate to share the Gospel, full of the life of the Lord. I love where God has brought me. He has truly done great things.

God Bless,

Jules