Morning Prayer

My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.   Psalm 5:3

This Psalm has echoed in my heart since the first day I read it. Morning has always been my time for devotions.  If I did not take that time first thing in the morning, it did not happen. Then I started having babies. Lack of sleep and general morning chaos wrecked havoc with my devotions. Add in the confusion and despair that followed my church break-up, and my devotions became almost nonexistent. There were seasons when I would begin them again, but I could not seem to keep them going.

Then, last summer, the doctor put me on a medication that gave me lots of energy. Bouncing off the walls energy. I couldn't sit still for more than a few minutes, and I began waking up early in the morning - early meaning 5:30 AM or earlier. This is not normal for me. Since I was up that early anyway, I thought this would be a good prayer time. The only problem was that every time I tried to pray, someone else would get up and want attention. (My children tend to be early risers.) Frustrated, I began walking in the morning, just to have some quiet time.

This habit has become a treasured time for me. I handle the frustrations of the day much better if I have my morning time with the Lord. I was only on the medication for a brief time, but the energy and habit of waking early has stayed with me. I have been surprised by this, but thought maybe it was simply a lingering aftereffect.

Then came daylight savings.  I thought, This is it. There is no way I will be able to get up an hour earlier. I did not get up an hour earlier. I got up two hours earlier. It was completely bizarre.  Not only was I getting up earlier than normal, but I was also more wide awake than normal!

As I was walking on the second morning of this, an unbelievable thought popped into my head.

Maybe, just maybe, the Lord wants to talk to me in the morning as much as I want to talk to Him!

What an incredible thought! It's even in the Scriptures.

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Psalm 62:8

Arise, cry out in the night: in the beginning of the watches pour out thine heart like water before the face of the Lord:  Lamentations 2:19

I am completely blown away. The God of Heaven actually wants me to talk to Him. Somehow, I thought that prayer was only for my benefit - something I was supposed to do to show my faith.

But prayer is so much more than that. Prayer is how we build our relationship with God. The same God who sent His Son to redeem His fallen creation wants to have an ongoing relationship with us. That's what love is. Love is doing whatever you can to spend time with the ones you love. Whether that means taking time out of your schedule, sacrificing your resources, mending bridges...these are things we do when we love someone. God is not an absent parent - making sure we have what we need physically while He goes off and does something else. Instead, He wants to be fully integrated into every part of our lives. My mind has difficulty grasping this kind of love from the Creator of the universe.

I have learned more about prayer during these morning walks than I ever thought possible. As the wonder of Christ's saving work becomes more clear in my life, I have completely changed the way I pray. In my group at Bible Study Fellowship, we are handed a list of prayer requests, or A.S.K.'s, each week. Do not call them Asks. They are A.S.K.'s, and any leader in BSF will correct you immediately if you forget. Why?

A.S.K. comes from Matthew 7:7-8

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Okay, I get that. Why the big deal? Ask, A.S.K. - it's still just a prayer request, right? Not exactly. There is sooo much more to it than that, as I discovered a few months ago.

Sometime in February, I came to a crossroads in my life. I needed some answers to something that was critically important. I knew if I sought for counsel among those I loved, I would get diametrically opposed answers. I needed to know the truth for myself. I needed the Lord to make the answer clear to me from His Word. Without realizing it, I applied the A.S.K. principle.

I started asking questions, and seeking for their answers in the Word of God. At first, I did not find much except more questions. I needed to seek some more. I would tweak my questions, seek for more answers in the Word of God, and once again, knock at the door of heaven. I repeated this process over and over. One amazing day, the door of heaven opened, and the light nearly blinded me. I had my answer, and it seemed so clear and simple I could not understand why I had not seen it before. With the answer to my question, came also an understanding of what it meant to A.S.K.

Ask:

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  Philippians 4:6

I think most of us have this part down, although the thanksgiving part sometimes eludes me.


Seek:

This is the step I tend to forget. Oh, I remember the obvious application:

Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Isaiah 55:6

but there is another application that I have often neglected:

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33

In my quest for answers, this part was critical.


Knock:

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: Matthew 7:7

This principal has completely changed the way I pray. I begin with thanking the Lord - for the opportunity to meet with Him one more time, for the day, for the beauty around me, for the sacrifice of Jesus, and for anything else I can think of. Then, as I bring people and situations before the Lord, I try also to seek the Kingdom of God - to ask that God will bring His glory into the situation. I bring all to the Lord with a humble heart, instead of pounding, begging, or demanding, as I used to do. I recognize that He is in control. I knock gently as I lay these requests at His door.

The results have been incredible. Most of the circumstances I've prayed for have not changed, but the hearts of the people involved have changed dramatically - even mine. Perhaps especially mine. I am beginning to understand what it means to have a peace that passes understanding, and a joy that the world does not give and cannot take away. Peace and joy that are not dependent on circumstances but are instead dependent on my relationship with the Savior of my soul, and with an absolute trust that He loves me more than I love me. A trust that His love is far greater than mine, and whatever the circumstances, He is only interested in the absolute best for me and for those I love.

When I can remember these things, my heart dances, and I rejoice.

May the Lord wrap you in His arms and may you also rejoice in His love.

Jules

Writing By Faith

Voices.

It's the voices that get to me.

Soundless voices that echo endlessly in the back of my head.

It began with a still, small voice that told me to write. A compulsive command that resonated through my veins and made my fingers itch. I ignored it as long as I could, but it was relentless. Almost a year ago now, I gave up, and I began to write my story.

I like that voice. That voice gives me permission to do what I want to do anyway. To play with words and weave pictures and somehow, somehow proclaim to the world the glorious song of redemption that plays endlessly in my heart. I can't sing it - but maybe I can write it.

But as I get deeper into my story, deeper into the pit from which I've been redeemed, the other voices begin hounding me. Sometimes barely audible, sometimes like a pack of yipping chihuahuas, tearing at the edges of my paper,

"What do you think you're doing? Nobody's going to want to read this! Why would they? Who wants to read about someone else's personal angst?"

I hesitate. My fingers fumble at the keys. My words refuse to flow smoothly. Maybe the chihuahuas are right, I am being stupid.

"Write."

It's that still, quiet voice again, and it is a command. I obey, but inside, the battle rages.

However, as my Bible Study Fellowship leader keeps repeating, we serve a kind, gracious God who never calls us to do what He will not equip us to finish.

Just when the yipping starts to pull me under, it is time for the Winter 2015 Oregon Christian Writer's Conference. I am tired. I am ready to give up. I don't really want to go - but my son and my sister are going. I have promised a report to my critique group. I've already registered. Pride won't let me back out, so I go.

I go to a place my Heavenly Father prepared for me months ago, before I even knew I would have a need. I find I am not the only one who writes simply because that quiet voice won't let me stop.

It begins early...before the keynote speaker is even introduced. Maxine begins with devotions, reminding us for whom we write, asking God to be the center of our works, asking that He will use our writing to bring glory to Him and value to the reader.

She then brings us to Isaiah 41:17-20

17 When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue faileth for thirst, I the Lord will hear them, I the God of Israel will not forsake them.

18 I will open rivers in high places, and fountains in the midst of the valleys: I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.

19 I will plant in the wilderness the cedar, the shittah tree, and the myrtle, and the oil tree; I will set in the desert the fir tree, and the pine, and the box tree together:

20 That they may see, and know, and consider, and understand together, that the hand of the Lord hath done this, and the Holy One of Israel hath created it.

Trees found in the desert. Many varieties, each with a distinctive use. Because we all come from different backgrounds - different soils, if you will - yet those very differences have equipped us with everything we need to accomplish the purpose God has designed for us. We are HIS. What He has spoken will come to pass.  Isaiah 55:11

11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

As these words sink into my doubting heart, the keynote speaker, Bill Giovannetti is introduced.

Bill brings us to the story of Peter walking on the water - but he gives the story a twist. He points out that the miracle of the story is not that Peter walked on water - physics is easy for the creator of physics. The real miracle of the story is that Peter got out of the ship. He hitched up his robe and stepped over the side with the other disciples (like my yipping chihuahuas) watching in fear from the safety of the ship. He likened Peter stepping out on the water to our putting pen to paper - or fingers to the keyboard, for the more technologically minded.

The point is that our job is faith. Our job is to get out of the boat - to start writing. It is God's job to control the outcome. He sees the big picture and weaves together our stories with the stories of others. We can't see where our writing may lead - all we see is the mess. "Heaven is less interested in our getting published than in our keeping faith with God." Nothing leaves you as vulnerable as stepping out in faith. However, "If you walk in faith, grace will find you."

"If God has called you to write, the only way to sink is to stop writing."

Forget the yapping chihuahuas, the nay-sayers, the fearful who try to keep you in the boat. Jesus expects you to live a life of bold faith.

Why?

Because He is standing right beside you. It is not the size of your faith that matters. It is the fact of your faith - and the size of your Savior. "If you have enough faith to pray, you have faith enough."

That was just the first session. In the second session, Bill got personal.

He talked about the labels that have been slapped on us. Words and attitudes that have been hammered at us until we believed them and made them our own.

But those labels are not who we are - not anymore - not once we have accepted the sacrifice of Christ.

As Christians, Christ is our identity.

Paul said it best in Galatians 2:20

20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

When we come to Christ and accept His grace, the first thing grace does is rehab our identity.

Through grace we are transformed from sinner to saint; addict to redeemed.

Through grace the guilty are forgiven and the worthless become precious.

By grace, those labeled stupid or incompetent find themselves able to do all things through Christ.

By grace, the lost and forgotten are engraved on the palms of His hands.

Forget the labels this world has pasted on you - go write the words God has given you. Write from your pain, your passion, your fear, your joys. All good writing is emotional. Emotions are the threads that bind our writing to the hearts of our readers. Humans need heat and light - the light of God's truth mediated through the heat of our emotions.

In the end, the goal of our writing, our aim, the outcome we pray the Lord will grant us is to

"Take the reader by the hand, and walk them home to their true self in Christ."


If my story can do that for one person, then it is worth it to write.

God bless,

Jules

In the Eye of the Storm

I have not written in a long time, and I do apologize.  The Lord has been moving me into a new era in my life.  I feel as though I am walking through a massive tornado - but safely held in the eye of the storm while events swirl crazily around me.  Events - ideas - new ways of thinking - wrongs being turned right - impossible heartache being redeemed.  There is so much to learn!  So much I need to study!  So many questions to ask!

As I begin to understand more and more about the sacrifice of Jesus and His cleansing blood, there is a cascading effect on my thinking patterns.  Everything is inter-connected.  If it is the blood that saves me and not my own works, how does that effect the doctrine of resurrection? What I was taught was very complicated.  I was taught there was a heavenly body waiting for those who reached perfection, and an earthly body waiting for those who did not.  However, there is no record in the New Testament that anyone has ever reached Jesus-level perfection in this life.  There are, however, many references to being covered bythe righteousness of Christ.

Romans is particularly eloquent on the subject.  In chapter three, for example, Paul makes it clear that we cannot be righteous in our selves:

10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:

And,

20 Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified in his sight...

Therefore I can only rely on a righteousness given by God - which is provided through faith in His Son:

22 Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference:

23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

25 Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God;

26 To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus.

Did you notice that verse 24 says that we are justified freely?  That word denotes generosity - open handedness.  It also denotes a complete lack of attached requirements for those who will believe.

So if it is the righteousness of God and not our own that saves us, how would it be decided who received an earthly resurrection and who gets a heavenly one?  (Assuming there are two different resurrections, which I now doubt.)  The answer I was given, and that I find curiously comforting, is Colossians 3:3

3 For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. 

Somehow, that is enough.  I can leave the question in the hands of my Saviour.

In the doctrine of perfection, I was taught that Christ paid for my past sins, but my present and future sins were my responsibility.

Here's the problem:  Sin can only be atoned for with a spotless sacrifice.  As soon as I sin, my soul is stained, and I am no longer qualified as a sacrifice.  How in the world could I then cleanse myself from my present and future sins?  I cannot.  Nor can I find anything in the New Testament that tells me I should.  The scriptures are very clear about what I should do with my sins.
I John 1:9

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Again, it is Jesus that washes us clean.  How?

7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

Through His blood, shed for me at Calvary.

Do you know what is really wonderful about all of this?  The blood was shed so that we could have access to the Father.  I was raised to ignore the Father.  Somehow, once I learned that it is through the blood of the Son that we come to the Father, I delight in doing exactly that.

There is such a beautiful picture of this found in the Tabernacle in the Wilderness.  I have recently joined Bible Study International, an organization founded in 1959 by a woman who believed women should be better acquainted with their Bibles.  We are studying the life of Moses, and therefore, the Tabernacle.  What a beautiful walk-through of the Gospel this is!  There is only one entrance into the courtyard of the Tabernacle.  In John 14:6, Jesus said,

6 ...I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Not clear enough?  There's another verse in John 10:9,

9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved.

We begin our journey into God's presence by coming through His Son, Jesus.  Once we have entered the outer court, the first thing we see is the brazen altar, where all the sacrifices were brought.  Over and over again it is made clear that the need of every one of these sacrifices was fulfilled in the sacrifice of Jesus.  Hebrews 10:9 states it quite clearly:

12 But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins for ever, sat down on the right hand of God;

But you know the verse I really like?

14 For by one offering he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified.

It is through His sacrifice that we are perfected.  Funny thing. The only place we are asked to sacrifice ourselves is in Romans 12:1:

 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

Here, we are called a living sacrifice, offered as the only reasonable response to His perfect sacrifice.

Once the sacrifice is made, we come to the brazen laver, where we are washed and made clean. Ephesians 5:26

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it (the church) with the washing of water by the word

Why do we need to be washed with the word?  How else will we find out what needs to be cleansed? Jesus atones for our sins, but we do need to bring them to Him.  Revelation 7:14

14 ... And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

 Note, it is the blood of the Lamb that makes the robes white.  Not our own efforts.

Once clean, we can take the sweet incense of our prayers,
Revelation 8:4

4 And the smoke of the incense, which came with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.

light that incense with the coals from the sacrifice of Jesus, and come boldly into the Tabernacle itself, where the veil has been rent, from top to bottom, giving us full access to our Heavenly Father.

Hebrews 4:16

16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Isn't that a beautiful picture?

I am grateful - deliriously, rapturously, supremely grateful that my precious Saviour did not leave me to rot in the sins I could not cleanse, struggling to pay a price He had already paid.  I was completely oblivious to what His sacrifice meant for me, and He could have left me there.

I am afraid I have caused Him no end of trouble with my "Julie do it!" attitude.  Like a four-year-old who wants to do everything for themselves and cannot understand why they fail.  I was not looking for answers.  I accepted my failure and expected to die in my sin.  But the Lord was gracious.  He sent me person after person to tell me the message of grace.  And when I still could not believe, He sent me a special friend to be an example of His grace.  Never underestimate what can happen when you let Jesus love through you!

Eight years.  Eight long years of me struggling and screaming and accusing my loving Saviour of all sorts of terrible things.  He endured it all.  Patiently blocking me from going here, opening a door for me to go there, sneaking a lesson in during the rare times I was calm enough to listen.

I stand today, washed clean, basking in my Saviour's amazing grace, and able to daily kneel at my Father's feet because of one thing:  I have a God who does not fail and would not give up.


The Lord bless you and keep you;  the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift up His countenance unto you, and give you peace.  Numbers 6:24-26



Jules

Being Broken

"Jesus adopts all the messy people and all the broken people and all the imperfect people into His tree and His story and His heart, and He gives you His family name and His absolute happy perfectness and He makes you alive and fully free."
Ann Voscamp


Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, Jesus.  Because I am messy and I am broken, and I am imperfect and that fact has never been made more clear than it was three weeks ago.

So...It's been a rough three weeks.  But, as often happens, the rough times are accompanied by some deep lessons.  I would like to share mine with you, if I can get my thoughts to translate coherently.

This particular lesson began when I picked up a book called Engaging Today's Prodigal by Carol Barnier.  I picked it up out of sheer curiosity.  (Okay, call it what it is - I'm nosy.) It was not supposed to be about me! I do not consider myself a prodigal - although there are some who might - yet, I keep running into sections that speak to me - or to my circumstances.

Six weeks ago, when I first read the book, I laughed a bit at the first section.  Then I found myself getting angry, but did not really know why.  Carol claims that it is a myth that perfect parenting produces perfect children, and then wonders where we got that idea.  I can tell her where we got it: We got it from books like To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debi Pearl.  Michael and Debi raised five wonderful children who gave them nothing but joy and are now happily serving the Lord and raising perfectly wonderful children of their own. Their method makes a lot of sense, and seems to work well... if only I could follow it.  But I have not the resources of Michael, the energy of Debi, nor the consistent temperament needed to keep up with it all.  Let's face it, I do not train my children as well as I'd like - I'm too busy trying to survive them.

Where else did we get the idea that perfect parenting makes perfect children?  We got it from walking into a church full of happily homeschooled, perfect children.  I am sure their parents would say they are not perfect, but I have never seen children like these.  I'm serious.  Every child there is respectful, obedient, courteous, willing to work, always looking out for the little ones, kind to each other, and, above all, they never, ever fight. My son came up to me, wide-eyed after our first visit, and said, "Mom, the teenagers here are nice!"

Obviously, Mrs. Barnier just hadn't met the right parents yet.

Fast forward three weeks: An event occurred that reminded me just how much of a failure I really am. In the chaos of the moment, I was not paying attention, and nearly lost my three-year-old.  It was my fault.  I have no excuses.  By the grace of God, my son was safe and unharmed, but the enormity of my mistake and the "what might have happened's" continue to plague me.

This weekend, there was another incident - just a little one. My children were playing happily, although a bit loudly while my husband was tuning a  church piano.  David sent me a text to let me know that the customer was getting upset with the noise.  It was the matter of a minute to settle them down on a quieter game, but the incident completely unnerved me.  It seemed that even when my children were being good, they were bad, and it was all my fault.  They are never good enough, because I am not good enough.  How many more mistakes will I make before I ruin them entirely?

We have spent a year in the church with the perfect families, trying to figure out how they do that. What are those parents doing that I am not?  How do they get children that well-behaved?  I am as clueless now as I was a year ago. And my time has run out.  Our life is taking yet another turn and we will no longer be able to make the trip, but must go somewhere closer to home.

Weeping over my guilt and failure, I grabbed a book to stop the spiral.  The book happened to be Prodigal, and I opened to the first chapter and began reading,  "Myth: Perfect Parenting Produces Perfect Children." This time, I am not scoffing. I read the chapter. Then I read it again. And again.

I am not a perfect parent.  My children are not perfect children.  I can no more make my children perfect than I can make myself perfect.  But Carol points out that there was once a perfect parent, who perfectly raised two children who should have been perfect.  They lived in a perfect place and had only one rule. It should have been easy for them to obey.  But they still sinned.  Adam and Eve were God's children, and the consequences of their sin impacted the entire human race.

As I read and re-read the chapter, a peace began to steal into my heart that was as absurd as my earlier anger had been. Maybe I can be forgiven for not being a perfect parent.  Because, perfect parent or not, model children or hooligans, in the end, they all become adults who have to make their own choices.  In the end, there is only one Saviour - and it is not me.  Yes, I must keep trying, but I must also do with my children as I do with my own soul. I must take them to the cross and leave them there.  Jesus gave me these children knowing exactly what my weaknesses are.  It is time for me to trust Him to make up the difference.

Calmer, I take my changing circumstances, and, instead of fighting them, I shine the light of Romans 8:28 on them. Because this new path is not the one I want to take and it is breaking my heart.  I love the people I am leaving, and I do not know when I will see them again.  Normally, I would take a nose dive into the Slough of Despond.  But when I forced myself to examine my loss from the perspective that God is working these things for my good, something changed in my heart. I could see that these people I love taught me an important lesson: they taught me about grace.  Now it is time to learn the next lesson.  I may not know exactly what it is, but I know it will be equally important.

Then, a dear friend, who knows my circumstances, sent me a text: "Read #18, pg. 31 in that book we gave you."  That book is A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent.  I am on #15, but I dutifully skip ahead to #18...and start laughing.  God has a sense of humor, and tends to plan things out well in advance. Six months ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the passage. Now, because of what God has been teaching me, it not only makes sense, but I find myself beginning to live here:

"...every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me.  When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials.  The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good to me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ."

Timing is everything.  Once again, I see the Master Planner at work. There are things happening now that were set into motion four years ago.  Then, four months ago, a stranger crossed my path.  I thought I would never see her again, but God had other plans.  She chose to become my friend, and, through her, A Gospel Primer was put into my hands so that I would have it now, when I need it. Four months ago, I attended a workshop given by Carol Barnier at the OCEANetwork conference. She gave us a brief teaser about her salvation journey and aroused my curiosity enough that I bought a book I would never have considered otherwise. Yet God knew I needed to hear the message it contains. Or, more properly, several of the messages it contains.

I am once again amazed and humbled by the extremely detailed way God is working in my life.

Yes, I still fail as a mother, nearly every day. Every day I must go to Jesus again and again and ask for His grace, His mercy, and His wisdom. I am so grateful for the reminder in Lamentations 3:

22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Thank-you, Lord, for forgiving me, even in my lowest places.


May God bless you all and give you peace.


Jules

Unending Love, Amazing Grace

Darkness.  Black, sticky darkness.

That is what I saw inside.  Every 'i' dotted, every 't' crossed, and all I had was darkness in my soul.  A black tar-pit of sin sucking me down. Jesus did not want me.  How could He? He had given me everything - a functional family, a good father, a lovely mother, the perfect church, an incredible pastor - I had all the teachings, all the tools.  Yet inside was nothing but blackness. Despair swallowed me. I had no desire to even try anymore.

Then I read the scripture, I Corinthians 5:10,

10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad.

My breath caught in my throat.  I was going to have to stand before Jesus, look into His eyes full of love and disappointment and explain to Him why I had failed.  I would literally rather burn in hell than see the look I imagined in the eyes of the one I loved.  "Let me go. Let me die," I prayed, "Just don't let me see my failure in Jesus' eyes."

I staggered into church that Sunday.  I heard them speaking of grace...a grace I did not deserve and had not earned.  A grace I had surely used up long since.

We were setting out the meal when a dear sister asked me how I was...and all I could do was cry. She grabbed another sister and took me off into a corner to pray and talk.

"What's wrong?"

So I told them.  Told them what I had done, how I had failed my Jesus. How He had given me everything, and yet I was faithless. How He could not possibly want me anymore.  How I wanted the flames to burn out all that I hated inside...only don't make me look into the eyes of Jesus.

"Oh, no!" they said, "He's not like that.  It's not that way at all.  He knows you can't do this.  That is why He came...why He died...He is your righteousness."

Then they began pulling out scriptures: I Corinthians 1:30

But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

He is become our righteousness...because our own righteousness was only filthy rags.

"Jesus would not give up on you. Have you read this scripture?"

He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall!  My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. (Lam. 3:16-20)

Wow.  That described exactly how I was feeling.  Who knew such things were in the Bible?  The sister kept reading,

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lam. 3:21-23)

Wait a minute!  I've read my Bible through many times, and I could swear Lamentations 3 does not say that!  I asked her to read it again,

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 

ESV translation, but the words resonated inside of my soul.  A thin beam of light pierced the shell around my being. Could it be true?  Could His steadfast love still apply to me in the midst of all my unbelief?

I began to study grace; books like Romans and Galatians.

The light began to burn a jagged crack down the side of my shell.  I began to "remember my Creator from the days of my youth".  To remember the days when I was young and Jesus was my friend - often my only friend.  I remembered His faithfulness as a teen, through my college years, when my father died.  All the times He had been with me.

I also remembered that I had thought I was pretty close to perfect.

In my darkness, I thought Jesus had left me.  I know now that was a lie.  Jesus was there, every step of the way.  He had only backed away to allow me to see myself.  Because, until you see the blackness of your own soul, you cannot understand what Jesus has saved you from.  Until you have felt the weight of your own sins and broken under that burden and learn that you cannot bear even your own sins, you will never comprehend the incredible weight that Jesus bore when He took not just your sins, but the sins of the whole world upon His shoulders.  Bore them without adding a single sin of His own and then allowed Himself to be killed for them - not accepting relief.  He carried them all the way to the grave and buried them in His own blood so that we can be free.

The crack widens, and my shell begins to split apart, the light flooding my darkness.  I take the blackness in my hands, and I push it under the flow of that blood.  Not my righteousness, not my efforts, but I claim the righteousness of Jesus.

Then the voices start hammering at me:  "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."  I look it up. Philippians 2:12

12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

Yep.  There it is. But, hush, voices. Read the next line, vs. 13

13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

My salvation is of God, not by my own strength.

Ah, but it says we are to wash our robes and make them white.  Grab the fuller's soap and a washboard and get to work.  No, voices.  Read the whole scripture: Revelation 7:14

14 ... And he said to me, These are they which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

It is the blood of the Lamb that makes our robes white, not our own efforts.

Then I hear a story.  A story told by one I love dearly.  He had gotten angry, very angry.  He testified that Jesus had gotten so mad at him for getting angry that He had refused to speak to him for almost a week.  My heart bled for my loved one.  "No, no!" I wanted to say, "He's not like that. He is not a human full of sin and wrath, but the perfect Saviour. Slow to anger and of great mercy. Yes, He sometimes lets us stew in our own juices, but not because He is angry."  The time was not right, and I said nothing, but his story ate at my heart as I reviewed again and again the things I had been learning:

"His mercies are new every morning." (Lam. 3:22) Even if He was angry, He would not have held a grudge.

"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy." (Psalm 103:8) The verse uses mercy twice.

"Be ye angry and sin not, let not the sun go down upon your wrath." (Eph. 4:26)  If the Lord expects this of us, does He not live by it Himself?  He is to be our example.

"Beloved, if our heart condemn us, He is greater than our heart and knoweth all things." (I John 3:20) Do you not think the Lord understood your anger and could have compassion?

The story convicted me.  What was the difference between his story and the way I had believed for eight years?

CRACK!!!!

I heard it.  I heard the chains breaking off my soul.  I felt the shell falling away.  I felt wings lifting my soul.

I   WAS  FREE!!!

Not my righteousness, but Christ's.  Not my works, but His grace.  Not because I am worthy or can make myself worthy, but because Jesus is worthy.

My sin does not hold me.  Yes, sometimes I do what I should not.  Yes, I still fail.  But each time I do, I take that sin and shove it under the blood.  And each time, my sin is forgiven.  I feel my heart changing.  I feel my desires changing.  As I look to Jesus, and give all to Jesus again and again, He is doing inside of me what I could never do.

Sometimes every day is a fight, but it is no longer my fight.  I hold to Jesus and let Him do the work.

For the first time, I can say with Paul,

"...for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day. (II Tim. 1:12)

God Bless,

Jules

A New Reason For Marriage

"You two amaze me.  I've never seen a couple go through as much as you have and still be together."

The words shocked me.  They came from my husband's doctor.  He had no idea what all we had been through.

Oh.  He was talking about David's health.  My mind flashed back to those terrible days when David had pancreatitis.  He was barely conscious most of the time.  Tubes and iv's hooked up everywhere - including one pumping every drop of digestive juice out of his stomach.  His pancreas was trying to digest itself and the doctors were trying to stop it. For six months we were in and out of the hospital. I spent every non-working moment at his side.  I had watched my father die.  I had no illusions that we might be immune to that fate. During this time, a dear friend came to see me.  She, of course, inquired as to David's health, and I explained as well as I could. Then she asked, "But how is your marriage doing?"

My marriage?

My husband was camped out at death's door.  What did she expect from our marriage right then? My mind could not even grapple with the question at that moment. "Fine," I managed to stammer. I had no idea what she was really asking.  "Well, let's see, the intimacy isn't quite what it used to be...and, you know, he hasn't taken me to dinner lately.  I'm feeling sooo neglected!"  Honestly, what kind of question was that?  I still cannot believe that anyone would be so callous as to leave someone they said they loved dying in a hospital because the ill person was not "doing their part" for the marriage.

Are we really that shallow?

Apparently, the answer is yes.  Lisa Jacobson expressed the same shock in her blog "The Power of Grace To Hold Your Marriage Together".  She had born a daughter with severe health problems and was told, "Most parents who give birth to this kind of child end up in divorce."  Really?  Not in her world! (If you have not read this blog, you should.)

Is it that Americans are too self-absorbed to hold a marriage together?  Or is it that this God-given institution is under direct attack?

"We aren't in love anymore."

"We have nothing in common.  We need a divorce so we can find a relationship that is more fulfilling."

I have seen hobbies destroy relationships as the spouse involved spends more time with the hobby than with the person to whom they have pledged their life.

I have seen young couples ripped apart by disapproving family members who attack every chink they can find in the marital armour.

Then we hear from Heidi St. John that the disease is hitting the blogging community.  In her recent post, "Gird Up! Christian Blogging Moms Under Pressure", she sends out a warning.  Women who have encouraged others in their marriages are suddenly having problems of their own in that same area.

Let's face it: Times are hard.  We see the pressure all around: Financial pressures; social media pressures; illnesses; deaths.  Instead of turning toward each other, couples are retreating into themselves and whatever distraction can keep them occupied and thinking of something besides their real problems.  Frustration builds, communication lags, kindness is forgotten, harsh words become more common... and marriages are falling apart.

What makes the difference?  Why do some couples become stronger while others fracture?

I received an answer the other day from a good friend, quoting her husband,

"You don’t marry because it’ll bring you good times. You marry because it will sustain you during horrible times."

Suddenly, everything fell into place.  Here is the answer...in a nutshell.

Why did I marry David?  Because when my father was dying in the hospital, David was there for me. We were in Missoula, not at home.  David took me to and from the hospital.  When he was around, my worries lifted; my burden eased. I looked at him on the way back to where I was staying one evening and thought, "I can trust him.  This is the man I am going to marry."

My friend's husband hit the nail on the head.  The one thing I knew about my husband before I married him, was that he would be there during the horrible times.

When we start chasing the "good times", it is easy to become discontented with both our lot and our spouse.  When we instead cling to each other, and help each other through the "horrible times", not only are those horrible times made easier, but our relationships are made stronger. We find ourselves more contented with our lot...even if it is not the one we would have chosen.

Thank-you, my friend, for sharing that quote with me.  You reminded me of things I had forgotten.

I think I'll go love on my husband now.

Blessings,

Jules

Amarelis

9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9

Even when she was little, there was something different about Amarelis.  I taught her when she was in second grade.  Her breathing was labored, even when at rest, but she never complained. Schoolwork was not her strong point, but she kept plugging away. While the other children were trying to get their own way, Amarelis was giving way. When the other children squabbled, Amarelis gently sought for peace. She loved Jesus, and, in quiet ways, His light shone through her, although I did not realize what it was back then.  I have learned to recognize it now...now that I have learned the difference between "being nice" and "being in Christ".  As far as I know, she never lost that.

At my wedding, Amarelis caught my bouquet. The second time...the first time a married woman caught it as I was trying to throw over the heads of the little girls to the single women.  I threw too far and had to try again.  If it had to be a little girl who caught it, I was glad it was Amarelis. Another girl tried to take it from her.  Amarelis, being generous, would have given it up, but I forbade her.  I told her she could give the girl one of the flowers, but she must keep the bouquet.  Her face lit up. I had given her an excuse to say no.

At her graduation, she shone as a lovely young woman who still loved the Lord and touched the hearts of those around her.

I saw her again this last May.  On accident - or by design?  The Lord had been teaching me just that morning about grace...and about the fact that HE is the author, and finisher of our salvation.  It is not all on our shoulders, but it is on His.  We can't do it, but He can.  

I had gone to lunch at Red Robins, and coincidentally, was finishing my meal just as Amarelis was finishing her shift. Amarelis was one of the casualties of our church war. She still loved the Lord, but was wandering. Even though she was not going to church, her smile was as sweet as ever.  When I told her the Lord had shown me something that morning, her eyes lit up, and she was eager to hear.  I told her about grace...that the Lord still loved her, and that He would and could complete her salvation.  I did not know why it was so important, but I felt I HAD to tell her.  Now I know why. God sent me to Red Robins just to tell Amarelis that He loves her.

I have no way of knowing what path she followed once she left that day, but I hope it was one that led her to Jesus who loves her. I pray that, as her laboring lungs finally gave up, she fell into the arms of the Lord she had always loved.  I believe she has.

We love you, Amarelis.

Jules